We need more than a can for me to communicate what I am feeling.
Especially after how I hurt her. The one thing I didn’t want her to do to me, I did to her.
No, I need a huge gesture, and I’m hoping the one I’ve come up with will work.
It’s Aiden-sized and approved. Now I just need to execute it.
I forgot that coming to the volleyball game would mean I would have to sit with Jakob and Harper. There is no way around it; I have to. If I don’t, they’ll think something is up. My knees bounce, and I draw in very deep breaths while I sit between a visibly upset Harper and a cool as a cucumber Jakob. It’s obvious who knows what. I’m surprised Harper hasn’t blown up on me. Every time she opens her mouth, I prepare for impact. I wait for it, but it hasn’t hit yet. Jakob, though, he hasn’t shut up.
“So, how’s work?”
Nervously, I nod. “Good. Busy as ever.”
“I know you like it that way.”
“I do.”
Suddenly, Jakob stands, “Ooh, they opened the concession stand. Babe, you want anything?”
I almost cry to him not to leave. “No. I’m good,” she bites out, and he looks at me.
I shake my head. “Thanks. I’m not hungry.”
He walks off, and I realize Harper was waiting for him to leave. “You have let me down, Asher Brooks.”
Please come back, Jakob.
I close my eyes, letting my head fall back. “I let myself down, Mama Harper.”
“She loves you. You do realize that, right?”
“I know. I do. I freaked out.”
“You freaked out?” she scolds, shaking her head. “You have known her your whole life. She isn’t some girl you just met! She means something to you.”
“I know,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, you don’t need to apologize to me. You need to apologize to her.”
“I am. I promise. She can’t block me or ignore me here. That’s why I came.”
She shakes her head, practically vibrating with anger. “And then you give her your mom’s ring and lie to her? What did you think that ring would mean to her?”
I cringe. “Is she mad about that?”
She gives me a dry look. “I don’t know because she won’t talk to me.”
“Who? Allison? Ugh, she isn’t back with Taco again, is she?”
Harper and I look up at Jakob. “She better not be,” I say, and he fist-bumps me.
“Not that you’re making sure that never happens,” Harper says on the sly, but I ignore her as Jakob grins at me.
“That’s why you’re my favorite,” he says, sitting down and holding out his nachos to me. He’s offering some to me, but I’m stunned in place. I knew Harper would be mad at me. I get it, I’m mad at myself, but I don’t want Jakob to be when he finds everything out. I clear my throat and look over at him once more. “Hey Jakob, I need to tell you something.”
I feel Harper’s gaze on me as he wipes his teeth with his tongue before looking back at me. “What’s up?”
“I fucked up.” He scrunches up his face, and I beg my heart to be still. “I hurt Ally, and it was completely avoidable, but I was too scared of what I was feeling.”
He pauses, his eyes narrowing on mine. “Okay… Are you fixing it?”
“I’m trying,” I admit, praying that what I have planned will work and she won’t throw our relationship on the shelf to rot. “But I told her a week ago that I wanted to tell you that we are in a relationship. Things are in limbo right now, but I have every intention of spending my life with her.”
“Yet you won’t tell her you love her,” Harper says, and man, Ally is so much like her.
Jakob scoffs, shaking his head. “It’s about damn time.” I blink, and even Harper angles her head around me to look at him in shock. “What? Those two are so in love, it makes us look like we just met.” He then smacks me on the back, knocking the air out of me. I don’t know if he meant it to be so hard, but I’m pretty sure it was a warning. “No worries. You got this, bud. I trust you, and I know my baby will be good as long as she’s with you. We all make mistakes. It’s how you come back from them that matters.”
When he goes back to his nachos, I look down to the court in shock. Okay, so apparently, I am the last to know the truth. I may need to look into getting some help for my emotional issues. But that thought fades away when Ally’s name is called and she runs onto the court, waving to everyone but me, I’m sure. As she reaches her spot, she looks up, grinning. But then our eyes meet. Everything goes hot inside me, I yearn for her, and tears burn my eyes as I stare at her. I want to run down there, wrap my arms around her, and tell her how sorry I am. How fucked up I am that she won’t talk to me. But just as quickly as her eyes fall in line with mine, she looks away.
Almost unaffected.
My shoulders droop. Surely—God, please—surely, this will work. As they finish the lineup, they all turn for the National Anthem. I’m on edge as I stand, honoring our flag. I know my moment is coming, and I pray it works.
When the announcer’s voice fills the gym, I take off my coat and throw it down in my chair as everyone sits down. Harper looks up at me and then smiles. “That’s a sweet shirt.”
I try to smile, but I don’t want to smile for anyone but Ally.
“My heart is on the court,” Jakob reads, and he grins. “Sticky-sweet cute.”
“You would know,” Harper calls over to him, but I swallow hard and gaze down at Ally while I wait.
“Now, if we can have the attention of our captain, there is a message on the jumbotron just for you.”
I watch as Ally’s eyes move to the jumbotron I clean, to see my message I planned.
I’m sorry.
Her eyes move from the screen to me, and I see her read my shirt. And nothing. No smile. There is no emotion on her face. She doesn’t come running up the stairs into my arms; she stands there, looking at me. The whole gym is oohing and aahing, but Ally doesn’t move. Slowly, she shakes her head and then moves her gaze to her team as she yells, “Bring it in, Bullies!”
My heart about falls out of my ass as Jakob asks, “You got another shirt?”
I swallow hard. “Nope. This is it.”
“Got another plan?”
“Nope. I might be super screwed.”
Harper asks, “Why wouldn’t you just say it, Ash?”
“Because I wanted it to be from my heart,” I say on an exhale. “And now it may not matter.”
When she takes my hand in hers, I look at her, and she gives me a strained smile. “Don’t give up. You know how she is when her pride is hurt.”
Jakob laughs. “Yup, she’s a hard nut to crack when she’s in her feelings. Just ask her mom.”
“In her feelings? Who are you?” Harper yells at him, and he grins.
“I coach thirty young hockey players. I listen to more Drake than I care to admit.”
As they argue, I feel the emptiness inside me grow.
I hate the feeling, but I know I won’t give up.
Not when she chases away that emptiness in the way only she can do.