Running into her apartment, I scan the living area quickly before making my way through the rest of the apartment. “Kennedy!”
Silence.
Bursting into the bedroom, I find it empty too, and the bad feeling in my gut expands. I turn to look into the bathroom, and then I see it. A few strands of her silky blonde hair are falling over the edge of the bathtub. The coppery tang of blood tickles my nostrils, it’s filling the air and making me sick to my stomach.
Walking into the room, my heart sinks to my feet, then stops beating all together when her entire body comes into view. Blood. There is so much blood. Her legs, her hands, her stomach, it’s all covered in blood. I don’t even know where it’s all coming from.
Dropping to my knees on the side of the tub, I call her name, praying she’ll wake up. Her face is pale, and her eyes are closed. My hands tremble as I find my phone. I try and type in the code, but my hands are too bloody, my finger slipping over the screen, but nothing happens. The blood on my hands, making it impossible for me to call for help.
Looking down at Kennedy one more time, I decide I don’t care about anything but getting her help. Plucking her up out of the tub, I try not to be bothered by the warmth that covers my hands and belly.
“I’ve got you. I’m going to take you to the hospital. Don’t die on me, Junebug. Do not die on me,” I croak, and it feels like I’m losing Jillian all over again. I did this. I pushed her, and I have to save her. I have to be the one to make sure she is okay.
Carrying her out of the apartment, I can hear each drop of blood as it hits the floor. When I reach my SUV, I open the back door and put her in the seat, laying her across them. Then I climb in and drive. Speeding the entire way there, I don’t even think I breathe until I’m outside the ER, climbing out and carrying her inside.
“Dear lord,” the nurse says when she spots me. Doctors and nurses rush over and take Kennedy from me, and suddenly everything is moving in slow motion. Sinking to the floor, I place my hand against the cool ground. The tears rush in, and like a dam, I release every ounce of emotion I’ve been holding back.
Pain. Hate. Anger. Regret. Shame.
I lost Jillian, and now I’m losing her too.
I’m sorry I never told you I loved you…
26
Kennedy
Peace… I’m finally at peace. No pain or heartache, no disappointment or guilt. My body is numb, and so is my mind. Darkness surrounds me, wrapping me up in a blanket.
I feel as if my body is floating on a cloud, somewhere in between being awake and asleep. Alive but not quite living. I try to think of where I am and how I got here, but every time I form a thought, it slips away.
For a long time, there is nothing but silence. Only me and my friend, the darkness.
“Yes, she is stable now…” A voice suddenly breaks through to me. It seems far away as if I’m standing in one corner of a large room, and someone is in the other, across from me. Something draws me to that voice. I try to move, but my body and mind don’t seem to be connected at the moment.
“No, I won’t leave her side, I promise…” The same voice speaks again, a little bit louder now as if he took a few steps toward me. I strain to hear him again, hoping he comes a little bit closer still. His voice is a beacon of light in the dark.
“Okay, I’ll see you soon…” He stops talking after that, but the sound of heavy footsteps echo in my ears. I think he’s coming closer. When a large warm hand covers mine a moment later, that thought is confirmed.
Part of me wants to pull away from his touch, while some other part of me craves it. I’m confused by the notion until I hear him say his next words.
“Junebug, please, wake up. Please, be okay… I just need you to be okay.”
There is only one person in the world who calls me Junebug… Jackson.
Why is he here? I drag myself out of the heavy fog, fighting with all my might to open my eyes. Cinder blocks weigh them down, but somehow, I blink my lids open. Light blinds me, and I release a groan at the burning of my retinas.
Like paint seeping into paper and spreading in large splotches, the events that got me here unfold in my mind. The cutting. All the blood.
I flinch when Jackson squeezes my hand gently, reminding me that he’s here now.
Cut yourself a little deeper next time…
My entire body is one big ache, and my head is heavy, swimming with thoughts.
“Thank fuck you’re okay!” Jackson says, sighing as if he’s been sitting here watching me for hours.
Tugging my hand from his, I scowl at him. “Don’t touch me!” The words come out so raspy and distorted, I’m not sure if he even understood them.
Anguish contorts his features.
Why is he here?
“I’m sorry, Kennedy. I’m so fucking sorry. This is all my fault. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this better. Whatever you want. Tell me, and I’ll do it.”
“Leave,” I croak, trying to scoot away, but my limbs are still too heavy.
“Anything but that. I won’t leave you and not only because I promised your mom. I’m not leaving because I love you.”
Love? Is he serious?
All I can do is shake my head at him. How can he be talking about love right now? After what he did to me… what he said? I can’t wrap my head around it all. It’s too much. Too many emotions and thoughts rushing to the surface all at once.
“Please, go…”
“I can’t, bug. I can’t leave you. Not after I almost lost you forever.”
Closing my eyes, I turn my head away from him. I don’t want to see him right now, because every time I look at his face, I see him yelling at me. Telling me to cut myself while Tylor is standing next to him, grabbing his crotch. This is worse than my worst nightmare because it’s my reality.
“I won’t touch you or even talk to you if that’s what you want, but I’ll be staying here so I can watch over you.” I hear him retreating from me and taking a seat in the corner of the room. The tension eases from my body only slightly.
I try to go back to sleep, but my head hurts, and the skin on my legs burns too much to find any rest. When I attempt to move again to get comfortable in another position, I yelp out in pain as I tug on something connected to my arm.
“Hold on, don’t move. Let me get the nurse.” Jackson jumps up and rushes to my side. He grabs something behind me, and a moment later, a female voice comes through a speaker.
“Nurses station.”
“She’s awake and needs some more pain meds.”
“I’ll be right there.” The line goes dead, and Jackson takes a step back.
I can only manage to look at him briefly before I turn my head away from him again. Seeing his face hurts too much right now. It’s nothing but a reminder of what he said to me. How he treated me. I trusted him, and he betrayed that fragile trust. He believed Tylor’s lie about me without even asking my side of the story. How could he believe what he told him? Does he think so little of me? I thought we were getting somewhere, letting go of the past. My chest aches at the thoughts rushing through my brain.
Thankfully, the nurse comes in, pulling a small cart behind her, sidetracking my thoughts.