“Yeah, I could have used that heads up earlier.”
Angel laughed.
“Have you been traumatized for life?” she asked.
“Not for life, but dinner’s sure going to be awkward.”
“Only if you let it,” she said. “I swear, the fey don’t care. My understanding is that they didn’t wear much in the caves. Shirtless is their preference, even up here in the snow. I can’t say I mind the views. Their muscles have muscles.” A wistful smile curled her lips.
“Are we trying to unscar me or make some more?”
She chuckled.
“You’ve had to notice. I mean, you’re not blind.”
“Yeah, I’ve noticed. I’ve just been smart enough to keep that notice to myself.”
“Why? These guys would love the ego boost. I accidentally flashed one. I think it was the best day of his life.”
I snorted. Angel had no boundaries, it seemed.
“So, who’s caught your attention?” she asked. “Any fey I know?”
“It wasn’t anyone specific,” I said quickly. “Just general observation.”
“Oh, that’s too bad. Liking one of them would fix your problem.”
“Problem?”
“Having to go on supply runs. You said you didn’t want to ask a fey because you might lose him to a girl. Ever think that maybe you could be that girl?”
She turned up the sidewalk of one of the houses and opened the door for me. I stepped inside before answering.
“Not really,” I said. “Although I suppose now that Uan’s with Mom, he’ll probably get supplies, too.” I kicked off my boots. “I’m not sure I’d want to stop going on supply runs, though.”
“Why’s that?” Angel asked, removing her jacket.
“Going outside the wall is scary. The infected are changing. Getting smarter. If I stop going out there, then something happens to force me out again, I’m not sure I’d have the skills or knowledge to survive. Going out as I am now is forcing me to adapt with the changes.”
She nodded, hung my jacket by the door, and motioned for me to follow.
“Makes sense. But what about the other benefits of having a fey of your own?”
“Like what?”
She went to a kitchen cupboard and pulled out a whole box of snack cakes, which she tossed to me.
“Like not ever having to worry about turning because of a bite to the leg,” she said as I caught the box.
“What kind of relationship would it be if I’m just there for the food and the sex?”
“A really good one?” She grinned. “There are a million reasons to be with a fey, not just food and sex. They’re attentive, caring, funny, affectionate, great at backrubs, loyal, trustworthy—not with secrets, though—and kind, even in the face of extreme prejudice. Should I go on?”
“Kind might be a bit of a stretch,” I said. “It’s definitely circumstantial for those not of the fairer sex.”
I opened the box and ripped into a snack cake.
“You’re right, there. Shax would have tossed Garrett over the wall if I hadn’t stopped him. But that was jealousy.”
She opened her own box of cakes and sat at the table.
“Seriously, you’ve never considered taking up with a fey just for the sake of safety from infection?”
I sat and toyed with my cake.
“That’s what my mom’s doing. I mean, she really does like Uan. But, that’s why she considered hooking up with one of them in the first place so soon after…”
It hurt to think that we’d lost Dad just over a month ago. Yet, it felt like a lifetime. So much had happened. So much had changed and kept changing.
“I’m sorry about your dad,” Angel said softly.
“Me too.” I took a large bite to soothe the ache in my heart.
“Thallirin would give up both testicles to be your grey someone.”
I choked on my cake so hard that I teared up.
“You think I’m kidding, but I’m not,” she said.
I managed to swallow and shook my head at her.
“I know you’re not kidding. However, Thallirin’s complicated.”
“How so?”
“He wants to control everything. It’s beyond stifling. It’s the kind of control where you stop being who you are.”
She tilted her head at me.
“Are you sure about that? I thought Shax wanted me just for the baby. That I was going to be a passing fling. That once the baby was born, he’d go back to wanting Hannah or some other girl. But he proves that theory wrong every day. Instead of assuming something, ask. The fey are incredibly honest. Like run and hide from the embarrassing moments kind of honest. You might find he doesn’t want to control you at all. He probably just doesn’t know how to behave around you. You’re the first girl he’s ever been interested in.”
Thallirin’s words echoed in my mind as I swallowed my last bite of cake. All the other women he’d met had been too terrified of his scars to ever give him a chance. While his scars didn’t scare me, what I’d thought he wanted from me had. And because of my fear, I’d treated him just as horribly as all the rest of the assholes from Whiteman. I was better than that.
With the food in my stomach and Angel’s well-meaning advice, my conscience grew so loud I could no longer ignore it.
“I think I need to take a raincheck on lunch.”
“Oh, no. Why? I swear I can make us just about anything.” She opened a cupboard to show her stock of food. It was downright enviable.
“It’s not that. I appreciate the snack cake a lot. But, I need to go talk to Thallirin. He’s the one I was trying to find,” I admitted.
She grinned at me.
“That’s easy. The best way to find a fey is to just shout his name. Shax can make it to the house in less than a minute, no matter where he is in Tolerance.”
“I’m not going to go out there and yell Thallirin’s name.”
She shrugged.
“Suit yourself. It’s pretty rewarding seeing one run to you.”
“Like a trained dog?”
“No, like a man in love, desperate to keep you safe, fed, and happy.”
I sighed. That was the last thing I wanted to see.
“I think walking to look for him will do me good. I have a lot to think about.”
She nodded and followed me to the door.
“Come back anytime,” she said as I slipped my boots on. “If we don’t answer right away, give us a few minutes.” She winked to make it clear why a few minutes might be needed, then opened the door for me.
“Thanks for the talk,” I said.
“Thanks for listening.”
I walked away from Angel’s house with a lot on my mind.
Every single attribute that Angel had listed about the fey was true. They were decent. Never once had any of the fey done anything to justify the hate the survivors from Whiteman unleashed on them. The idea that I’d been treating Thallirin just as poorly as the Whiteman asshats had treated him didn’t sit well with me. Sure, I could try to justify my bad behavior as the only means to get him to leave me alone, but I knew that wasn’t true. Eden had proven that her suggestion to just tell Thallirin the truth had been the right one.