My fear had blinded me, and I cringed at the thought of what other decisions my emotions might be negatively influencing. Angel’s comment about me being some fey’s girl echoed in my mind.
While I knew women, including my mom, were hooking up with fey for food and immunity, I just couldn’t see it as an option for myself. It felt too much like the decision I’d been forced into back at the bunker. Yet, was I being a fool for ignoring the most obvious answer for safety? The fey, for all their bigness and muscle, were nothing like Van. They were completely naïve about women and many other things, just as Angel had pointed out. And just as I’d pointed out to my mom, neither Drav nor Thallirin had threatened me or even gotten angry when I’d struck out at them.
I sighed heavily.
The bite yesterday had been terrifying. The idea that I could turn and become infected obviously weighed on me, given how much I’d dreamt about it.
Was it foolish to dismiss Thallirin’s interest?
While I wasn’t ready to make the decision Mom made, maybe I should talk to Thallirin and ask some questions about what exactly he wanted from me. Oh, I knew his long-term goal was to get me to be his girl in every way. But what about short-term? He was determined to protect me and had already been providing supplies for us without expecting sex from me. In fact, he’d done all of that while I was being angry and rude. Was it wrong to try to be nice to him in return?
While the answer would be ‘no’ for most people, it wasn’t for me. It felt like all the things he’d done had been to create an obligation for me to be nice.
I sighed in frustration, hating the mental loop I was in.
Even if he continued to do as he’d done, watching out for me and my family, it seemed wrong to decide to just stay home and let the fey take all the risks when I was able-bodied. While it made sense for Angel, given her condition, and Mom, given her limitations, I couldn’t see it ever making sense for me. And I couldn’t imagine a life where I was safely tucked away in a house.
Yet, everyone here seemed okay with the tradeoff. Sex for safety. Although Thallirin had never said anything about sex, I hated that it felt as though everyone was pushing me toward him like he was my prearranged marriage or something.
My steps slowed, and I considered the conversation with Angel in a new light. Had she been doing the same thing?
I shook my head and kept walking. Whether she was or wasn’t didn’t matter because she’d said something that was completely true. Something I’d already determined for myself. I didn’t know Thallirin, and if I wanted to fully understand why he had acted the way he had, then I needed to ask him.
I slowed for a fey walking toward me.
“Have you seen Thallirin?” I asked.
He shook his head but looked around us.
“He should be close,” he said.
“Thanks.”
I stopped a few more fey before giving up. I was starting to think that Angel was right and I’d need to yell his name to find him. My cheeks flushed at the thought. Everyone would think things that weren’t true. While I didn’t care what they thought in theory, I did care in reality because I didn’t want them to go back to treating me like I belonged to Thallirin.
“Brenna.”
I whirled around at the sound of Thallirin’s voice and found him just behind me.
“You’re hard to find,” I said.
“Why are you looking for me?”
“Because you left before we were done talking.”
He studied me in silence, and I glanced around us. The neighborhood seemed quiet, but I knew better. The fey were out there with their sharp eyes and keen ears.
“Is there somewhere we can go to continue our conversation in private?” I asked.
He nodded and started walking in the direction I’d been headed. I hurried to catch up, glancing at his face, trying to read him.
“Are you okay with talking to me?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t tell. It’s hard to read how you’re feeling based on your expression. What does your angry face look like?”
He glanced at me.
“I don’t know.”
“Are you angry now?”
“No.”
That answer made me nervous. If that wasn’t his angry face, I really didn’t want to see him when he was angry. I recalled his cold expression on the roof when he’d thought I’d been bitten. It was just a flash memory because I’d been so terrified myself at the time, but I could remember the worry I’d felt.
“How often do you get angry?” I asked.
“Rarely.”
“Good to know.”
His steps slowed.
“You wanted to talk about my temper?”
“Not really.”
He grunted and kept going. We wove our way toward the center of “town,” and I followed him to a house that matched all the other homes in that section. Opening the front door, he let himself in and turned to wait for me. I hesitated to go inside.
“I thought you said you didn’t have a house.”
“I don’t. This is Uan’s. He’s with your mom.”
“He’s not going to mind if we use it?”
“No, he’s not using it now.” He said it as if it was completely obvious that Uan’s lack of current occupancy meant the house was free to use.
Hoping Uan truly wouldn’t mind, I stepped inside. Thallirin closed the door and then stayed there, standing really close to me. I tipped my head up to look at him then started taking off my jacket.
“What are you thinking?” I asked as he watched me.
“I’m wondering what you want to say to me.”
I hung my jacket in the coat closet and held out my hand.
“Can I have your jacket?”
He shrugged out of it, his chest rippling with the move. The image of him shirtless flashed in my mind. It wasn’t his scars or bites that stood out in the memory but the hard ridges of his abs and the slight dip above his navel. Was I noticing because of Angel’s talk or just because?
I hung the jacket up and kicked off my shoes.
“I guess it’s not just one thing I want to talk about. Let’s go sit in the living room.”
He followed me and waited until I sat on the couch before taking the nearby chair. It creaked under his weight, and I wondered if I looked as dwarfed by him as the chair did.
“I’ve been very vocal about not wanting anything to do with you. Yet, you’ve continued to watch out for me and bring supplies to our house. Why? Is it because of the hope you have that I’ll change my mind?”
“The hope I feel is my burden, not yours. Choose no one. Choose another fey. It won’t matter. I will still keep you safe and see you fed. I want nothing from you.”
“That’s not true. You do want something from me even if you’re trying not to want it. You said you wanted a female for companionship. But we both know that’s not all you want. What about sex?”
“I will not have sex with you.”
The abrupt way he said it surprised me.
“Ever?”
His gaze shifted, searching the room as if he was seeking a quick escape. It was more annoying than funny. He’d already run from me once. I didn’t want that happening again.
“You and I are having problems because we don’t understand each other, and we never will if we keep running away from the conversations we need to have.