“Why were you trying to get ahold of Kayla?”
“Because I wanted to get ahold of Mark. You need to talk to him and deal with your past demons.”
“Wait…what?” I ask, my voice lodging in my throat. “It was you who got Mark to come see me?”
Her brows lift in surprise. “Mark came to see you?”
“Yes.” I laugh. “He showed up at the ER to talk to me last night.”
“I didn’t know,” Lynsey replies, blinking curiously up at me. “Kayla said she’d make some calls. She never told me what happened.”
My heart soars for the woman in front of me who hasn’t given up on me yet. Now I want to show her that it’s not for nothing.
“I brought you something.” I dig into my back pocket and retrieve the letter from Mark I received over a year ago. The letter I found in the rubble of the nursery. The letter I was too afraid to open because of the words it may contain. “I want you to read this.” I press the letter into her hands. “I haven’t opened it because it holds such a dark part of my past. A past that I thought I could erase by changing myself and compartmentalizing everyone I care about into a safe, unattached space. But my past is a part of me, and you’re a part of me, and this baby is a part of me. I don’t want any more secrets, Jones.”
I touch her belly, and she sucks in a shaky breath. I pull back because I don’t want to gaslight her with affection. I want her to make her own decision based on her own mind. She deserves that respect.
“I realized this past week without you that I’m not even fucking living if I’m not with you. I want your big, bright crazy light in my life.”
“Josh—”
“Just read this letter. Please. I haven’t opened it. I don’t even know what it says. It’s probably terrible, but if you can accept the terrible parts of me, then maybe we have a chance at the end of all of this.”
She nods and proceeds to rip open the envelope. I step back and nervously grip my neck as she begins reading out loud.
“Dear Josh,
I’m sorry to be sending this in a letter, but you won’t return my calls or emails, and this seems to be the only way for me to tell you everything I need to tell you.
While this letter should start with an apology from me, I’m going to save that for another time because this is a thank-you letter.
Thank you for loving my son as your own. Thank you for making his last days on this earth memorable and heartfelt. His life was richer because of you. Thank you for being his doctor, his companion, and mostly, his best friend.
Julian was sick…we knew that for years. None of us expected what happened, but it was no one’s fault.
It wasn’t easy to get to this place of peace I’m in, but Sierra is pregnant. And with new life comes new beginnings. And new opportunities to honor Julian’s memory.
I want you to know that we took the settlement money from the lawsuit and set up a scholarship fund in Julian’s name for pre-med students who need financial aid. I did this because the world needs more good doctors like you. And you, my friend, are a great doctor. One of the best.
I can’t thank you enough for gifting us the time we had with Julian. I hope you can find the peace that we have knowing that we all did our best for Julian, and he would want us to be happy. You didn’t fail Julian, Josh. You loved him. Forgive yourself and get in touch. I miss my best friend.
-Mark”
Lynsey looks up from the letter, her voice thick when she says, “He sounds like an amazing friend.”
I nod with a ragged exhale. “I’ve sat on that letter, torturing myself with all the horrible things I thought it would say. I’m honestly speechless.”
“It wasn’t a bad letter at all.” She hands it to me, her eyes glistening in the dim light. “But the real question is, can you actually let go of the past? Are you even capable?”
A heaviness presses against my chest as I step closer to her. I lift my hands to cradle her warm, tender face. “I didn’t want to let go because I didn’t think I deserved to feel happy after everything that happened. But you proved me wrong, Lynsey. You’ve made me happier than I ever thought I could be.”
Her lips thin as her chin trembles. “What does that mean, Josh?”
“I love you,” I say hurriedly, my voice breathy and anxious and a million other emotions I haven’t allowed myself to feel for over two years. “I love you, Lynsey. And I love this baby. Your love has healed my heart in ways I never thought possible. I’m sorry it took Mark’s words to make me realize that, but it’s been you all along.”
I glide my thumbs along her cheekbones just as I’ve done countless times before, cherishing her. “I give my heart to you and this baby, completely.”
She gasps as I drop to my knees in front of her and hold her while pressing my forehead to her belly. “I love you, peanut. I’m sorry I wouldn’t let myself admit that before. I was scared that loving you would mean I couldn’t see everything that could hurt you or scare you. I just was so afraid of losing you like I lost Julian.” My voice cracks, but I push through. “I know I won’t be able to protect you guys from everything, and that’s okay because loving is what makes life worth living.”
I stand and wipe away Lynsey’s tears with my thumbs. “I love you, Jones. I love your crazy laugh. I love that high-pitched voice you do on the phone. I love your insane need to read dirty books to our baby and eat charcuterie for meals. And I love the way you look at me because it makes me feel like the old me.”
Taking a deep breath, I press my forehead to hers; my heart pounds in my chest as that ache grows into a sensation I never want to lose. “Please marry me. Please never take off your ring again because I love you. I’m in love with you. And I will never stop loving you.”
I release her face and reach into my pocket to produce the ring she left behind. “Please marry me, baby. Please let me love you.”
“Holy shit,” she croaks loudly, cupping her hands over her mouth as tears stream down her face. “I thought you were going to come out here and ask me to go to therapy with you, but you just sort of skipped all those steps.”
“I’ve wasted too much time, denying what I knew from the moment I deleted your address in that Uber app that first night.”
Lynsey blinks. “Wait, what?”
I sheepishly shrug. “I wanted you to come home with me that night. I was such a dick—like a kid tugging your pigtails in the schoolyard, but it was only because I wanted you.”
“That’s why the Uber took off after I got out of the car!” Lynsey exclaims as realization dawns. “I always meant to write a strongly worded letter to Uber.”
My shoulders shake with silent laughter. “I should write them a letter of thanks because they gave me a tremendous gift that night.” I touch her belly, feeling closer to her and our peanut than ever. “Between that and you asking me to spank you, I should’ve known I was in love.”
Her emotional face falls and her wide eyes blink back at me in horror. “Really? After that big, romantic speech you’re going to add that my penchant for a little rough play made you fall in love with me?”