He fractured my cheek and his knuckle in the process.
The next time I saw him was in a conference room where I wanted to give up my medical license, but the hospital silenced me and our lawyers worked out a cash settlement for him and his wife for the loss of their son. The settlement meant I got to keep my license and they got money to help with the sting of losing their only child. As if any amount of money could ever dignify what happened to Julian.
“I’m glad you’re still working, Josh,” Mark says, catching me completely off guard. “You’re a brilliant fucking doctor. Wasted in an ER like this, if you ask me, but I’m glad you’re still helping people.”
The muscle in my jaw ticks. “How can you of all people say that?”
Mark exhales heavily and pins me with a sympathetic look. “Josh, if you would have answered any of my fucking calls, emails, or letters, you’d have known how sorry I was for everything that happened after Julian.”
“What the hell do you have to be sorry for?” I ask, my jaw dropping with disbelief. “It was my fault.”
“It wasn’t, man,” he says, shaking his head and moving toward me so we’re only a few feet apart. “And don’t try to convince me it was. I’ve done months of therapy to get where I am right now, and I’ve pored over his medical records. You did everything you could, and I will not let your grief pull me back into the darkness.”
Pull him back? He’s out of the darkness? How? He lost his fucking son. “I don’t understand how you’re okay with everything.”
Mark blinks slowly, a sadness to his eyes that I know all too well. “I’m not okay with it, but I’m living with it. I’m living. Julian would want that.” The corners of his mouth lift into a smile. “I like to imagine he’s always watching, and the happier I am, the happier he is.”
A pressure pushes down on my chest that’s so intense, I have to press my hand to it because I literally feel like my body could split in half right now. My voice is hoarse when I say, “I’m still in the darkness, Mark.”
He nods. “That’s what Kayla said. She said she couldn’t even make eye contact with you when you came to help her with her patient files.”
I blink away the sting in my eyes and try to remember what the fuck I even said to Kayla. I barely remember going to meet her that night. After Lynsey walked out, I destroyed the baby’s room with a fucking wrench and stormed out of the house. I’d been driving around for hours when Kayla called me, begging me for help again. I vaguely remember going to her hotel room and feeling grateful for the distraction. And grateful for the reminder that I’m a doctor and that I can help people. Once I immersed myself in those patient files of hers, my wall came up again, and I was Dr. Richardson. Or Dr. Dick as Lynsey would call me.
Since then, I’ve been working as many hours as the hospital will legally allow me. I haven’t even been home, choosing the bed of the ER on-call rooms over the one that still smells like Lynsey. My entire fucking house is Lynsey. Every square inch is covered with something of hers, and being around it after only a week is too much to bear.
“How’s Kayla’s patient? Do you know?” I ask, trying to get my mind off Lynsey and the baby.
Mark nods. “Sounds like you were right, and they were treating the wrong symptoms. She switched some things around, and the kid is perking up.”
My nostrils flare as I exhale through my nose. “Good.”
“Josh,” Mark says, touching my arm.
I flinch at the contact, bracing for him to knock me out again but also strangely craving it. “Mark, why are you here? You don’t look like you need a doctor.”
“I don’t,” he replies with a half-smile. “I need a friend.”
“Me?” I ask disbelievingly. “Why?”
“Because I need you to meet someone.”
Just then, the door to the exam room opens, and Mark’s wife, Sierra, comes in. Sierra and Mark met when we were interns. I can still remember their wedding like it was yesterday. I remember watching her face and wishing I could have a woman look at me the way Sierra looked at Mark. Funny how life can change.
My eyes move from Sierra’s face to what she’s holding. In her arms is a sleeping baby that looks about six months old. I inhale sharply as Sierra hits me with a warm smile. “Hi, Josh. Long time no see.”
I sniff loudly, my eyes lowering from the baby to the floor. “Hi, Sierra,” I croak, hating that flashes of her sobbing on the floor beside Julian’s bed play on repeat through my mind like a fucking nightmare.
She clears her throat as she moves closer. “This is our son.”
I inhale a shaky breath as my heart thunders in my chest. They had another baby?
I flash my eyes to Sierra’s face and manage to force out through clenched teeth, “Congratulations.”
She smiles warmly at me. “We call him JJ.”
I nod and try to smile, but it doesn’t work.
“Do you want to hold him?” she asks, taking a step closer.
I shake my head. “No, thank you.”
She lifts her arms to me, gently cradling the baby as she replies, “You should hold him.”
“Why?” I hold my arms out as she forcefully places him in my arms.
She touches his cheek tenderly while gazing down at him. “Because his name is Joshua Jacob, and I think it’s important for you to hold your namesake.”
My jaw drops as my muscles tense. A sudden pressure builds in my chest, making each breath harder to take. My voice comes out in a tremble when I ask, “Why would you guys give him my name?”
Mark moves over to put his arm around Sierra. “Because you meant a lot to Julian. You were his hero, Josh.”
I shake my head, slowly taking in their perfect baby boy. “H-how can you guys be like this after…everything? How can you stand to be around me?”
Mark’s face grows serious as he stares back at me. “You couldn’t have stopped what happened to Julian. I know that now. I’m sorry I put you through the pain of a lawsuit back then. But Josh, I know now that I was wrong. And we want JJ to be a testament to how much you meant to our family. How much you still mean to our family. I honor Julian everyday through the eyes of JJ, and I want you to feel that forgiveness as well.”
An uneasiness vibrates inside my chest. The sensation is a chisel chipping away at my once granite heart that has been slowly softening since the moment Lynsey came into my life. Since the moment I let myself touch her belly and embrace the child we made together. Now with Mark’s words and this tiny, sleeping baby, I am completely undone.
Mark touches my shoulder, his eyes wide and sincere when he adds, “I’ve learned that it’s okay to let yourself feel happy, man. I want that for you too. More than you could ever know.”
Sierra nods her agreement and smiles at her husband with that same tender look.
It’s hard to breathe. My arms tremble as I look down at the baby sound asleep.
He’s beautiful. Pink cheeks and dark, glossy hair. His lower lip quivers as he dreams of whatever it is babies dream of. My eyes fill with tears when I see Julian’s little face in the hollows of JJ’s eyes and the curve of his tiny chin.