The car door opens and she slips into the passenger seat.
“Hey.” She grins like she hasn’t a care in the world.
Don’t choke her to death with the seatbelt. Don’t choke her to death with the seatbelt.
“What do you want, Julie?”
“Nice to see you too. “
“Julie.”
She huffs and opens her purse, handing me a stick. I know what it is and I’m going to drive us both off a cliff.
“Positive,” she says, before rummaging around and handing me a piece of paper. My hands are shaking as I take it from her.
“What’s this?”
“Gestation. It’s not yours.”
Argh. Fuck. Exhaling, I almost cheer. The relief washes through me and brings tears to my eyes. Thank God. Breaking that news to Antonia if it was mine would have never happened. I’d have taken Julie away and never darkened Antonia’s door again.
“You could have told me this over the phone.”
“And miss the look on your face?”
“Are you ever going to stop playing games?”
She takes the items back and stuffs them in her bag. “You were never a game to me, Finlay. You know how I feel about you yet you still used me anyway. So, who’s the game player?”
She opens the door and goes to exit.
“It’s not going to make a difference to Antonia. She’s not taking me back, we’re over. But I need to know. That night, the one I can’t remember, did we really…”
She rolls her eyes and nods in confirmation. “Yes, we fucked, Fin. I’m sorry. If you want me to lie and say we didn’t, I will.”
“Bye, Julie, and good luck.”
“It’s Brad that’s going to need that when I drop this bomb on him.”
Running my hands through my hair, I breathe out a sigh. Risking Antonia finding out about Julie’s pregnancy and coming to the conclusion it’s mine is not something I’m going to do, so now I need to hope she will hear me out.
The elevator dings and the doors open to Antonia standing there, waiting for it. She flinches when she sees me inside. She’s holding what looks like a wrapped canvas; it’s almost too big for her arms.
“I’ll take the stairs.”
“Antonia. I need to talk to you.”
“I don’t need to listen.” She heads for her apartment instead of the stairwell. Struggling to maneuver the thing in her arms, Gavin comes to her aid from the apartment and my gut clenches at the thought of him being in there with her. They’re always together and I hate it.
“I told you I’d come back for this one. I’ve tied the other two…” His voice trails off when he sees me follow her inside.
“Can you give us a minute?” I ask, my tone hard. The atmosphere thickens the air around us.
“We don’t need a minute. I have nothing to say to you.”
She lays the canvas down and Gavin stands just slightly in front of her like an attack dog. That fucking mistake cost me more than Antonia.
Roaming my eyes between them, I know he won’t be leaving anytime soon so I should just say what I came to say.
“I didn’t want you seeing her or finding out from someone else.”
Antonia’s entire body has tensed, and as if they’re part of the same person, Gavin’s mimics hers.
“Don’t you dare say she’s pregnant,” she warns me. Her face is stark white and her eyes transfix on my lips.
“She is, but…”
Pain explodes in my jaw and my feet falter, nearly knocking me to the floor. Gavin stands with his fist raised and Antonia has her hands over her mouth, staring at me.
The coppery tinge bursts onto my tongue.
Motherfucker.
“It’s not mine!” I bellow, swiping the blood from my lip.
“Oh my God. Next time fucking lead with that!” Gavin shouts, and Antonia closes her eyes and takes deep breaths.
Taking her wrist in his hand, Gavin begins tapping over her pulse until her breathing steadies and she opens her eyes.
“Is that it?” she asks me.
No. No, it’s not. I love you. Forgive me. Please. Please?
“Yeah. I just didn’t want you to find out and think that…”
“Wait, Who is the father?” Gavin asks.
“Not you, don’t panic. It’s Brad’s.”
“Ha!” Antonia howls. “Incredible. Did Gabe get his turn? Actually, don’t answer that. I’ve got things to do, so if that’s all…?”
“Is this the way it’s always going to be with us now?” I ask.
The isolation from her presence is unbearable. It’s like the sun never rises.
“You did this, not me.”
“Can we at least try to be friends?”
Bullshit. What the fuck? Friends? I’m desperate.
“Friends don’t deceive and betray friends. It’s not going to just be forgotten because you’re suffering. It’s selfish to want forgiveness for yourself to make you feel better.”
Knowing she right and accepting it is hard.
“You blew up my world and left me smouldering until everything we were was burned to ash.”
“Tell me what to do to make it right,” I beg.
She shakes her head. “It will never be right. Don’t put that on me.”
Gavin has backed up and given us some space, but he can still hear everything. It already feels like she doesn’t belong to me anymore, that he gets a part of her that was mine. Letting go is going to be one of the hardest things I’ll ever do, but holding on is harder because watching her slip from me more every day will kill me.
I know that she will always be a part of my heart, but maybe not a part of my life. Part of me is dying inside. I’m hollow without her.
My dad always said the first love is the deepest. Well, it also cuts the deepest.
“I’ll always love you.”
A tear leaks from her eyes but she quickly swipes it away.
“I’m barely breathing Fin. It takes every ounce of my strength to get up in the morning. The truth is, I don’t even know if I have that strength until the sun rises, and I open my eyes. I’m living in one moment at a time hoping I can make it to the next.”
“It kills me that I did this to us. To you.”
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you did. Intended or not, Finlay, let’s face it. We hurt each other and fell apart. Love should be easier than this. To love each other and then break each other’s hearts takes its toll on the soul. How much can one withstand before it fades and becomes lost, jaded, and spoiled? I don’t want to be lost forever, to feel this pain forever, and for that, I need you to let go because I may be able to someday forgive you, but never what you did. It’s over.”
How can we tolerate so much pain and agony without actually dying from it? Her words slay me so deep the scars will never fully heal. It’s really the end for us.
GAVIN GAVE ME THE space I needed to deal with the showdown with Finlay. Him hitting Fin was so unexpected that shock replaced the numb death seeping into me with the words that Julie was pregnant. It hurts that a manipulative, destructive bitch has something I don’t, but the anger only hurts me further. It’s me that’s being destroyed by this, and she wins the more I let it break me.