“When?”
“When did I sell it?”
“When are you leaving?”
Finlay’s leaving. All I wanted was for him to be close, be in my arms, heart, life forever, and then the days and nights without him grew, and the hole in my chest stayed open and wounded, the storm clouds rolled in and rained down pain and grief and we couldn’t weather it.
I didn’t think anything could change the way I felt for him. I’ll always be searching for the love we shared in the perfect moments in another, and more than likely, never find it. But the hollow hole will grow smaller. I have to believe that.
“I’ll be back for the wedding.”
I nod like one of those darn bobble heads people stick on their dashboards.
“Antonia.” He cups my cheek. “We will always be family. I want you to live your life, find happiness, and rub it in my face.” He grins, and that dimple mocks me.
“Will you say goodbye before you go?”
“If you want me to.”
“I do.”
“Okay.”
The doors open and Gavin steps out from the restaurant with my coat and purse.
“Do you need a minute?”
“No,” Fin tells him, dropping his hand and jogging up the steps. He looks back briefly and then disappears behind the glass.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Take me home.”
The night has turned cold and the wind bites at my bare legs as we hurry inside.
There’s a piece of cardboard filling the gap where the window broke, and the wind is causing the corner to pull away and a whistle to hum through the lobby.
“When is that getting fixed?”
“Next week. It’s an eyesore. He should have got someone out sooner. I’ll give them a call tomorrow.”
“Are you not coming in?” I ask, as Gavin heads past my apartment.
He eyes me for a few beats and then bites his lip. “Suppose a night cap won’t hurt.”
I pour us both a glass of wine, kicking my heels off and plonking down on the couch. He stays standing, lurking near the kitchen.
“So, you and Finlay looked cosy.”
“There’s nothing between me and Finlay like that, or ever will be.”
“Really?”
There’s relief in his tone. Why?
“Why do men treat women like they’re disposable, Gav?”
“What?”
“Why are we so easy to hurt, use, break?”
“You were never that to Finlay.”
I drain the glass and stand. “I mean Julie. You all used her.”
He snorts. “She used us. She played the game, Antonia, using us and hopping from one to the next, collecting ammo and firing it to gain her advantage with Finlay. She loved him in her own fucked up way and would take whatever way she could get him.”
“Maybe she just wanted to feel wanted. I can relate to that.”
“You are wanted. Don’t ever think you’re not.”
“I want someone to not hurt me when I give them my heart and trust. Don’t I deserve at least that?”
“You deserve it. God, you deserve it more than anyone has ever deserved something. Do you even realise how special you are?”
“You think I’m special?”
“I know you are.”
“Why are you here, Gav?”
The air is warming and my belly is swimming.
“You asked me to bring you home.”
“And you have.”
“Do you want me to leave?” he asks, putting down his glass.
There’s a pulse in the room condensing the air, making our breathing heavy.
“I really don’t want you to leave.”
“I’m not going to lie, Antonia. My thoughts are dangerous right now.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s nothing innocent or friendly about them.”
“Do you want to kiss me?”
Did I really just say that?
“If I did, you’d know all the impure thoughts I have of you.”
Oh God.
“In just one kiss?”
His jaw tightens and his eyes strip right through me. “It would be a kiss like you’ve never had before, or I’ve ever given before.”
My thighs tighten as the need builds. I’ve drunk too much and it’s been such an emotional evening.
“We can’t.” I shake my head but there’s no conviction in my tone. It’s more of a dare.
“I’m sick of people telling me what I can and can’t have, aren’t you?”
“So… you’ve thought about kissing me?” I pry, pushing this chemistry we’re creating.
“Fuck, I don’t think about it fleetingly. It lives there, a seed planted and root deep, but I knew there was never a chance in hell you’d be with me.”
He’s thought about us being an us? Wait, why wouldn’t there be a chance in hell?
“Why?”
He thinks I see him how others do. He couldn’t be more wrong.
“Because I’m not worthy of someone with a soul like yours.”
Rubbish.
My mind races with possibility. Can we just have tonight and not worry about anything else?
He’s been everything I’ve needed, and all that time he’s never felt worthy of me? That saddens me.
He has no clue that he’s under my skin, pushing the pain through the pores, bleeding them out.
I march across the room and leap into his arms that catch me and pull me to him. Our lips crash together in a frenzy.
It’s rushed, heavy, and manic, but so damn good it leaves me dizzy and feeling drunk on more than just the wine.
He tears himself from my lips, making me whimper. “Antonia, fuck. Are you sure about this?”
“I’m not sure about anything anymore but I want it, if that helps.”
“Say it again.”
“I want it. Give it to me.”
His tongue battles with mine as our hands tug at each other’s hair. The door is unlocked and anyone can walk in here, but the need outweighs the risk and I’m aching so badly to feel this, to feel wanted.
Knocking the straps on my dress down, his eyes trace over my exposed skin with wonder.
“You’re so damn beautiful.”
“I don’t need sweet talk,” I breathe, pushing my lips back to his.
“It’s not sweet talk, it’s real talk.” He groans between kisses. “I want to make you scream.”
“I’d be disappointed if you didn’t.”
I push him down on the couch and lift my dress over my head, dropping it to the floor.
THIS IS HAPPENING AND I can’t quite believe it’s reality. I’ve fallen asleep and I’m dreaming again. She pushes me down and slips her dress from her body.
Her scent bursts over me and her body becomes exposed. Her tits jiggle with her movements and I nearly come all over the place.
She’s so perfect. More than perfect. She’s Antonia.
Forbidden and too damn good for me, but damn, if I don’t want to be worthy of her body, her touch, her love.
I’ve never felt this scared before. I feel like a virgin all of a sudden. I can’t stop the uncontrollable bliss that’s electrifying through my body, and yet fear that it’s just a rebound one-night thing torments my thoughts.