Grilled peaches are a must have in our home. Jessica had never eaten them until she met me. Now she begs for them. As if her life depends on it.
They’re one of the few things in life that provide a huge return on a minimal investment.
Here we go.
Chuck the stick of softened butter in the mixing bowl. Add 1/4 cup of brown sugar and 1/4 of a teaspoon of cinnamon to the bowl.
Set remaining 1/4 cup of brown sugar aside.
Beat the butter/sugar/cinnamon with the electric mixer until smooth.
Scrape off beaters with the rubber spatula and set the beaten butter mixture aside.
Don’t even think about licking the beaters. Toss them aside. You’re not going to need them any longer.
Grab one peach per person. Make sure they’re ripe. Nothing is worse than a peach that has the crisp snap of a fucking Gala apple when you bite into it.
If the peach is ripe, wash the peach. If it is not, wrap it in a brown paper bag and wait anxiously for 3 days. Don’t ask. Just believe me, it works.
Wash the peach.
Dry the peach.
Cut the peach in half (from stem to bottom) and remove the pit.
Cast the pit into the trash. If you leave it on the countertop, you’ll forget it. Ants love forgotten peach pits. Nobody likes ants.
Place the teaspoon inside the butter mixture with the handle sticking up. Ever seen the picture of the Marines raising the flag at Mount Suribachi?
Make it look like that.
Take your tongs, spatula, peaches (on a plate), the extra brown sugar (it’s not really extra), and the butter mixture to the grille.
Spray the grates of the grille with Pam. Spray the face of the peach with Pam.
Heat the grille with a high flame to around 450 degrees. If you’re grille doesn’t have a thermometer, heat it on high for ten minutes. During this ten-minute opportunity, think of what regrets you have from high school.
What do you wish you could take back? What one thing?
Mine is for not stepping in when Jim Lister got his ass kicked. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. I found it interesting to watch. Until it wasn’t.
Ding!
The grille’s ready.
Add the peaches face-down on the grille. Close the lid. Grille the fruit without fucking with it for about 8 minutes.
Think of one more regret. From your childhood.
I shot the garage window out with my pellet gun. Someone whipped my ass for it. It’s the only regret that comes to mind from childhood.
Pay attention, your peaches are almost done.
Using the sharp spatula, scoop the peach from the grille in a brisk motion, using caution not to scrape off the perfect brown crust that’s developed from the grille’s grates (hence the need for a sharp spatula). Using the tongs, carefully place the peach skin side down on the grill in the same location you removed it from.
Spoon a BIG wad of butter mixture in the center of the peach. Don’t attempt to get it all in the pit’s valley, you want a little of it everywhere.
Do this to all the peaches, quickly.
Close the lid.
Grille for 1 minute with the lid closed.
Open the lid.
Remove each peach with the tongs and place them on the plate, using caution not to spill the melted butter.
Immediate sprinkle brown sugar over the entire face of peach.
Run your happy ass to wherever it is that you intend to serve this grilled buttery goodness.
Serve 2 halves in a bowl with ice cream between them.
If you don’t have access to a grille, they’re just as good if prepared in a skillet.
To do so, use 1/4 of a stick of butter in the skillet. Heat to slightly over medium. Cook the peaches uncovered for 6-8 minutes on between medium and medium high, face down. Flip with tongs at the 8-ish minute mark. Put on lid. Cook 2 more minutes.
Remove lid. Add butter. Add lid. 30 seconds later, remove lid and sprinkle with brown sugar.
Serve in the same manner as if they were prepared on the grille.
My. Mouth. Is. Watering.
Enjoy.
H.P.P.F.
DIFFICULTY: It’s a pudding cake. If you’re truly concerned, this is probably not the book for you.
TIME: 30-40 minutes, all in all. 3 hours to cool in fridge.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A sharp knife. A 13x9 casserole dish. A spatula. A frosting spreader. An electric mixer. 4 mixing bowls. 2 spoons. The wire rack. A cutting board.
What you’ll need from the pantry: A bar of 60% cacao Ghirardelli chocolate. Four cups of whole milk. An 8-ounce package of Philadelphia Cream Cheese. 3 tablespoons of granulated sugar. Three-fourth a cup of powdered sugar. A stick of softened butter. A cup of chopped pecans. A cup of flour. A whole fucking tub of Cool Whip. JELL-O Instant Vanilla Pudding. JELL-O Instant Chocolate Pudding NOTE: (Pudding comes in 3.4 and 5.1-ounce packages. You’ll want the 5.1-ounce sizes of each). Pam Cooking Spray.
After you make this for the family, you won’t be able to wait to prepare it for a group of unsuspecting guests. It’s wonderful with a cup of coffee or by itself. It’s as addictive as heroin, so be careful.
If you don’t watch what you’re doing, you’ll be sitting in the basement corner at midnight with the pan between your knees and a spoon in your hand, eating this shit with wide eyes and a grin on your face while everyone in the house is looking for you.
I can’t wait until you taste this. I really can’t.
Place the wire rack on countertop, tabs down.
Preheat the oven to 350.
Dump the cup of chopped pecans, 3 tablespoons of sugar, and the stick of softened butter in a mixing bowl. Mix with an electric mixer on low.
Wash the little beaters, you’ll need them again.
Spray the casserole dish with Pam.
Spoon the crust mixture into the bottom of the casserole dish and firmly press down flat and even. This is the crust.
Bake the crust at 350 for 20 minutes.
Using 2 cups of milk for each pudding recipe, make the puddings per the instructions (but shortchange the milk portion, as I said. 2 cups each, only).
Depending on how long you’ve dicked around with the pudding, I’m guessing the crust is likely done.
Take a look at the clock.
Yep. It’s time.
Remove the crust at the 20-minute mark and place on the wire rack to cool.
Soften the cream cheese. Put it in a clean bowl. Add the 3/4 of a cup of powdered sugar and a cup of Cool Whip into the same bowl.
Using your cleaned beaters and the electric mixer, beat on high until this mixture is smooth and fluffy.
If the crust has cooled by this point, proceed. If not, let it cool.
When it’s cooled, spread the entire Cool Whip/Cream Cheese mixture on top of the crust. Spread it even with the frosting spreader.
Don’t wash the spreader.
Put the chocolate pudding on top of the cream cheese mixture. Spread it even with the frosting spreader.
Don’t wash the spreader.
Put the vanilla pudding on top of the chocolate and spread it even.
Don’t wash the spreader.
Add 2 cups of Cool Whip on top of the vanilla pudding, and don’t spread it evenly. Spread it, but make it look like the top of a lemon meringue pie.
Something.
Make it look like a bunch of moon craters, I don’t really give a damn. But if it’s your intention to make it smooth, you’ll either fail or you’ll be dicking with it for a really long fucking time.