It’s. Just. Not. Worth. It.
Place the chocolate bar on the cutting board, flat side up. Situate the bar the same as you situate casserole dishes.
Long side left, long side right, short side away from you and near you, remember?
Get your sharp knife.
Point the sharp side of the knife at the chocolate with the blade situated from left to right. This would make the blade perpendicular to the chocolate in all respects.
With the knife’s edge at 90-degrees from the face of the chocolate, drag the knife toward you while applying pressure to the chocolate.
Your desire is to scrape away the chocolate, causing it to curl up. If that’s what’s happening, you’re winning. You’re making chocolate shavings. By fucking hand! It’s easier than you thought, huh?
After you’ve surprised yourself by making a few handfuls of them, stop.
Sprinkle your chocolate curls/shavings on top of the Cool Whip.
Cover with Saran Wrap and refrigerate for 3 or so hours.
Cut with a knife and serve with a spatula.
HPPF? Want to know what it means?
Holy.
Pecan.
Pudding.
Fuck.
Yeah, it’s THAT good.
Eat it with someone you love. They’ll love you right back after the first bite. If you’re eating it with a man who you’re trying to impress for the first time, rest assured you won’t have to suck his cock to keep him happy.
All you’ll have to do is hand him another slice of this delightful dessert.
Enjoy.
SCOTT’S BANANAS FOSTER
DIFFICULTY: If you have a problem peeling bananas, this is going to really suck.
TIME: 6 minutes.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A Skillet, a knife, and a spoon. 2 bowls at the ready. Ice cream scoop.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Vanilla extract. 3 not quite ripe bananas. Vanilla ice cream. 1/4 of a cup of chopped pecans. Cinnamon. Myer’s Dark Rum (or equal). 2/3 of a cup of brown sugar. 1/2 a stick of unsalted butter.
Bananas Foster. It’s the only way I’ll eat a banana. In fact, I fucking hate bananas. That is, unless they’re cooked in rum and covered in ice cream.
Fuck, this dessert is good.
Here we go.
This serves two HUNGRY people, or three who just want a basic-sized dessert. Basic-sized desserts are for twatwaffles.
Don’t be a twatwaffle.
Peel the bananas. Slice the bananas lengthwise. Cut the half slices in half. Not lengthwise. Crosswise. So now you’ve got 12 little short guys.
Heat the 1/2 a stick of butter in the skillet over low heat until melted.
Add 2/3 cup of brown sugar, 1-1/2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, and 4 tablespoons of rum. Stir well. Add pecans. Stir well, until sugar is dissolved.
When it all starts to bubble, add the bananas.
Cook for an additional 2 minutes-ish, spooning the mixture over the bananas while they’re heating. All you’re doing here is cooking the bananas until they’re hot, so no worries about undercooking. It’s a common misconception that you’re cooking the alcohol off.
It takes much longer than this to perform that task, so it’s not happening here, sorry.
You’ll have to enjoy rum-soaked bananas.
When the bananas are cooked (2 minutes), spoon six of the 1/4 slices into each bowl if serving two people. Give each person 4 if serving three people. If serving a dozen, give everyone a slice.
Top with ice cream. This is where the scoop comes in handy.
Eat immediately.
One of my all-time favorites. Simple, but as satisfying as bad sex.
Enjoy.
SOFT CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
DIFFICULTY: If you have to ask, forget it.
TIME: 18 minutes.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A soup spoon. A mixing bowl. A cookie sheet and cooling rack.
What you’ll need from the pantry: 2 sticks of softened butter, a cup of granulated sugar, a cup of brown sugar, vanilla extract, 2 eggs, 3 cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, salt. 2 cups of semi-sweet chocolate chips.
Bendy chocolate chip cookies are great. Crunchy chocolate chip cookies are pretty good shit, too. Why can’t we have both?
Well, we can.
These are bendy in the middle and crunchy around the edges, thanks to the brown sugar.
Jess just made these two days ago as a coronavirus calming tool for the kids. It worked. Well, it worked except for Charlee. They made Charlee run in circles.
For THREE FUCKING HOURS.
The other two kids and Jessica’s sister were fine, though.
Here we go…
Preheat the oven to 350. Prepping isn’t going to take long at all.
Mix the butter, granulated sugar and white sugar in the mixing bowl until everything’s as smooth as butter.
Hahaha.
Crack an egg and dump in the contents. Mix, mix, mix. Add the other egg. Mix, mix, mix.
Add 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract to the mix. Mix, mix, mix.
Grab a 1/2 cup sized measuring cup and put 2 teaspoons of hot water in it. Add a teaspoon of baking soda (soda, NOT powder).
While the baking soda is dissolving, add a dash of salt to the batter. If you want to measure it, that’s about 1/4 teaspoon. Yeah, that’s a dash. A pinch is a pinch, a good solid dash is 1/4 teaspoon.
Dump the baking soda/water mix into the batter.
Mix, mix, mix.
Now, the fun part. Add the flour (In steps is best. If you dump it all at once, it’s a pain in the ass, believe me). Mix. It. Up.
Add the chocolate chips. Fold them into the mix, making sure they’re mixed, but leave some areas that are chip infested. Those will be the cookies you keep. The batter with one random chocolate chip goes to the kid who’s been a little turd lately.
C.H.A.R.L.E.E.
Using your soup spoon (from the list above), scoop the dough out of the bowl with the spoon and flick it onto the fucking cookie sheet.
What?
You want to roll them into perfect little balls? NO!
Just flick the shit onto the fucking cookie sheet. Like. A. Cookie. Boss. If you want perfectly shaped cookies, go buy those big expensive fuckers from Starbucks.
Grow a set and make a cookie that looks like a cookie.
If your cookie sheet is old and raggedy like most of mine (some of them are 80 years old, if not older) use parchment paper. If you’ve got nice cookie sheets, don’t.
Bake at 350 for 10 minutes (until edges are browning). Don’t wait 12 or 13 minutes, until the edges are BROWN, because when they cool, they’ll be dry and crispy all the way through. When you eat them, your spouse will side-eye you like you’re munching a bag of fucking Doritos. Nobody likes that shit.
10 minutes. Edges beginning to brown. Yank ‘em out. Give ‘em two or three minutes. Transfer them to the cooling rack (Tabs down, remember?)
After they’ve cooled a few minutes, have one.
There’s nothing that takes me back to my childhood more than fresh baked cookies. We didn’t have them from time to time. We had them ALWAYS.
My mother would cook a batch and when they were gone (in 2 days) she cooked another. In fact, if my father got home from work and there were no cookies (this only happened once or twice in my LIFETIME that I remember) he’d say, “God damn it, Anita. Did Those little friends of Scott’s come eat all my fucking cookies?”