DRINKS
J&D’s Tequila Sundown
Jessica’s Modified Vodka and Water
Best Espresso
Derek’s 1800 Margarita
Old Fashioned
Jessica’s Mimosa
Jessica’s Spanish Sangria
J&D’S TEQUILA SUNDOWN
DIFFICULTY: No.
TIME: It’s a fucking mixed drink, really?
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A Highball glass (it’s the tall one with slightly tapered sides). A spoon.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Tequila. Ice. Orange Juice. Sparkling water, preferably Market Pantry Strawberry Lemonade Sparkling Beverage from Target.
Pour 3/4 of a cup of orange juice in your glass.
Add a shot and a half of tequila if you’re like Jessica, or two shots if you’re like Derek.
Stir.
Add 1/4 cup of the above-mentioned sparkling water.
Add ice.
Garnish with an orange wedge.
Last summer (2019) Derek and Jess were out of nearly everything. Because there was nothing else left, they made these one day.
In no time, they were both falling down drunk, and extremely happy.
Since then, they’ve been a hit in this household.
Enjoy.
JESSICA’S MODIFIED VODKA AND WATER
DIFFICULTY: No.
TIME: It’s a fucking mixed drink, really?
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A Rocks glass (it’s the short one). A spoon.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Absolut Vodka. Ice. Market Pantry Cherry Lemonade Sparkling Beverage from Target.
Fill the glass halfway with ice.
Add a shot and a half of chilled vodka (vodka is to be kept in the freezer).
Top off (to rim) with lemonade water.
Stir, but only slightly.
This is Jessica’s go-to drink.
A few a night never hurt anyone.
Oh, and they’re low-cal (roughly 93 calories a shot)
BEST ESPRESSO
DIFFICULTY: No.
TIME: It’s a fucking mixed drink, really?
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A Martini glass (because they look cool). A cocktail shaker.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Absolut Vodka. Kahlua Coffee Liqueur. Espresso. Raw Sugar Syrup (in the sugar section of most all stores).
Pour 1-1/2 shots of vodka, a 1-1/2 ounce shot of hot espresso (substitute strong coffee if you don’t have an espresso maker), a shot of Kahlua, and a half a teaspoon of Raw Sugar Syrup in your cocktail shaker with ice.
Shake like your life depends on it.
Strain into the ice-filled Rocks glass.
Garnish with an espresso bean or two.
Coffee and alcohol in the same drink. Are we in heaven?
Enjoy.
DEREK’S 1800 MARGARITA
DIFFICULTY: Drink more than one of these, and nothing else will matter. EVERYTHING will either become easy, or get hard as fuck.
TIME: 3:12
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A BIG margarita glass. A cocktail shaker.
What you’ll need from the pantry: 1800 tequila. Simple syrup. Lime juice. Triple Sec Orange Liquor. Margarita salt. Limes.
Slice a lime in 1/4s. Take one of the sections and run the raw fruit side around the rim of the glass. Dip the rim of the glass in the margarita salt.
Set aside.
Add 3 shots of tequila, 6 shots of lime juice, 2 shots of Triple Sec, and a half a shot of simple syrup to the shaker. Fill with ice.
Shake. Shake, shake.
Add fresh ice to your margarita glass.
Dump the entire content of the shaker (through the strainer) into your glass. It better be a biggun.
Be careful. This drink tastes normal, but it’s not even close.
Jess can drink one, and she’s shit-faced.
Derek, on the other hand, can drink a dozen (he really can) and walk away like it’s time for church.
A surefire winner on a hot summer day. The Key is in the 1800. It’s the only tequila in Derek’s arsenal.
Enjoy.
JESSICA’S MIMOSA
DIFFICULTY: No
TIME: It’s a fucking mixed drink, really?
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A champagne glass.
What you’ll need from the pantry: Barefoot Brut Cuvee Champagne. Orange juice.
Set the glass on the countertop.
Fill to three-fourths full with COLD champagne.
Add orange juice until it’s filled.
Don’t stir.
Drink.
This is Jessica’s Sunday morning go-to drink.
Pairs well with breakfast, no breakfast, or a shitty hangover.
Hahaha.
JESSICA’S BAYHOUSE SANGRIA
DIFFICULTY: On a scale of 1-10, it’s a 3, but only because you’ve got to cut fruit up into chunks.
TIME: Fractionally longer than most, but it’s worth it.
What you’ll need from the cupboard: A large glass pitcher. A large spoon.
What you’ll need from the pantry: A chilled bottle or Pinot Noir. 4 ounces of E&J VSOP Brandy. An orange. A cup of various fresh fruit, chopped (apples, pears, pineapple, and or strawberries. Sliced grapes. Peaches. Whatever you’ve got). A lemon. Maple syrup.
Slice the lemon into slices.
Toss it in the pitcher.
Cut up the fruit. Make the pieces the size of your husband’s thumb, from the knuckle to the tip.
Toss the fruit in the pitcher.
Cut the orange in half.
Squeeze half of it into the pitcher and slice the other half into thin slices. Throw it all in the pitcher.
Pour the brandy over this mixture.
Add the wine.
Stir.
Add a tablespoon of maple syrup.
Yes, you read right.
Maple syrup.
Stir.
Refrigerate for an hour before serving.
The longer this mixture sits, the better it is (within reason).
It can be enjoyed immediately.
This is our rendition of the sangria that Jessica loves to get from the head bartender at the Bayhouse restaurant.
If she’s working, it’s spot-on.
If she’s not, Jess won’t drink it.
Have a warm summer day, a desire to relax, and pour yourself a glass.
Enjoy.
THE CANNED DELIGHT
If you’ve made it this far, you deserve a simple drink.
Of all of them, this is Jessica’s favorite (of them all).
Refrigerate a can of Truly Hard Seltzer, Strawberry Lemonade to 40 degrees F.
Remove the can from the fridge.
Open the top.
Drink.
Bahahaha.
That’s all.
Enjoy!
THE DEPARTURE
Most who watch me cook or have an opportunity to eat the food I prepare ask, “When did you learn to cook?”
Watching me must blow their minds.
I don’t reference recipes. Ever.
It’s true. I just use a dash of this and a sprinkle of that. A cup here, a cup and a half there, but no recipe. Even when making pastries. The food’s always good, and it never tastes lop-sided in any manner.