It’s the thinnest of them all. It’s rose gold and two thin bands of metal that cross at the center. It would look gorgeous on her. All of them would.
In truth, I’d like her to desire all of them. I want a collar on her neck every second of the day. Even when she’s out of the house and around people who aren’t in the lifestyle. That’s why four of them resemble jewelry.
The fifth is a traditional collar, but the leather band is a soft pink the color of rose petals.
“I really love this one,” Katia says as she turns and presents the collar to me. She knows better than to put it on herself. My chains are to be placed on her by me, and taken off by only myself.
“Master?” Katia asks softly as I clasp the collar around her neck. “May I wear the chain as well?”
“Of course.” I absently touch the thin chain, once again satisfied with my claim on her. “I expect you to.”
As she plays with her collar in the mirror, I remember last night. She asked to sleep with me and when I asked if it was because of her missing anklet, she answered no. She hasn’t asked for the weighted blanket either, and for the last three nights she’s slept soundly.
She wanted to be available for my needs. And she admitted she enjoys it when I hold her when she sleeps.
I enjoy it as well.
I almost said yes, simply because I wanted to feel her soft body against mine as we slept. I wanted to be there in case she has another night terror. But there was something else in her eyes, something that made me push her away.
Things have changed for her, I know they have. The way she touches me, kisses me, even the way she talks to me.
She’s at ease and trusts me. She’s given me control of everything. Completely.
“Do you think I’m a good Master?” I ask Katia, my fingers teasing down her side before pulling her back into my chest and resting my chin on her shoulder. Her pale blue eyes find mine in the mirror.
“You are. I’m grateful to have you,” she says sweetly, turning her head slightly to rub her cheek against mine.
I close my eyes, loving her warmth, her sincerity, but New Year’s continues to play through my mind.
How she told me she was afraid. She has every right to be afraid. Her life and her goals aren’t aligned with mine. She knows this, but she’d continue to put faith in me and the fucked up relationship we have for as long as I’ll allow.
I have five days left.
I kiss her softly on the lips, hating how much I love the tenderness in her touch and the soft sounds of her sighs.
I don’t want to tell her goodbye, but I must.
I’ll carry out the contract for the next few days, only because I’m selfish. But I’ll keep my distance. I’ll make this as easy on her as I can. I don’t want to hurt her, but I have to let her go.
“Katia, what does being a Master mean?”
“It means loving someone so strongly that your life revolves around them. That every action is made with their wellbeing in mind. Their happiness is yours. Their pleasure is yours. Their life is yours. And the opposite is true for them.”
Love? I wish I could tell her she’s wrong. But she’s not. “My happiness is yours?” I ask her.
She looks me in the eyes and answers confidently, “Yes, Master.”
Chapter 28
Katia
I sit back on my heels at Isaac’s desk, watching him work on his laptop. I can feel the warmth of his leg and I want to lean against him, but I don’t. His brow furrowed, he’s typing something important, not paying me any mind. Yet, he’s all I can think about. I’ve been worried about him. About us.
He hasn’t been himself lately, his words and actions distant, his eyes filled with pain as if he’s losing something. I want to help him with whatever is bothering him. Like he’s helped me. But when I try to get him to open up, he shuts himself off from me. A surge of emotion threatens to choke me, but I push it away. I hate it.
I study his profile, his chiseled jawline and the stubble shading it, the clicking sounds of his fingers running across the keyboard in my ears. I don’t know what it is, but something’s off. Something has shifted. I feel like he’s less attached to me.
Maybe it’s his collar, I wonder to myself, unconsciously bringing my hands up to my neck to feel it. I love it and his claim on me. But ever since I put it on, it seems like a wall has sprung up between us. I hate it. I want back what we had. I want to get past whatever is bothering him. We can get through this together. All he needs to do is allow it.
I think he may be doing this on purpose, being distant from me. He knows our contract is over soon. I constantly remind myself that our days are numbered, and the contract is ending. But I don’t want them to be. If he wanted to keep me, I’d happily stay. I don’t care about the money. I care about everything he’s done for me. I would never have this inner strength without him. I know I wouldn’t. I feel whole again. I feel untouchable even.
I don’t want to leave him. I may not say it out loud, I may not want to admit it. But I love him. Whether that’s wrong or right, I don’t care.
I need to give him a reason to keep me.
“Master?” I ask.
Isaac pauses midtype, looking down at me. My heart skips a beat as those green eyes prick my skin. But not because of the intensity that used to be there. He doesn’t look at me the same anymore. His eyes are filled with sadness. “Yes?”
Disappointment flows through me that he doesn’t use my pet name. Another sign that something is wrong. But maybe I’m paranoid and am reading too much into it. Something tells me I’m not though. “What can I do to please you?” I ask, swallowing the lump in my throat, hating the tightness that constricts my chest.
Isaac stares at me, and I bite the inside of my cheek, increasingly feeling as if there’s something wrong. It’s there. “You’re already doing it,” he replies, gently petting my hair. Normally, I would feel assured, but his words only make me more uneasy. They have no strength to them, no passion. Even his petting of me is weak.
I lick my lips, not wanting to outright accuse him of lying, but I know I can’t let this go. “But I don’t feel as if I am pleasing you right now. I feel like… I need to do more to satisfy you.”
Isaac frowns, his hand falling from my head to hang lifelessly over the side of his chair. “You don’t need to do more.”
His words are saying one thing, but I’m feeling something entirely else from him. It almost feels like a spear of ice is slowly being pressed into my heart. “I can’t take that you give me so much pleasure, yet I give you nothing in return.” I know you’re in pain. I can see it every day.
Isaac flashes a me a look that makes me tense. His eyes narrowed as if daring me to continue with my train of thought. But at least there’s passion there. “How can you think that you give me nothing? You give me so much, Katia.”
“I want to make you happy,” I say thickly. I look him directly in the eye as I say, “And you aren’t,” challenging him to say otherwise. Challenging him to lie to me.
Isaac takes a long time responding, his emerald eyes studying my distressed face. “You’re worried for me?” he asks finally.