He stops walking. I don’t see him, but I hear the sudden halt of his feet. The untouched snow before him should be marked with his shoe prints, but it’s not. The vacant white abyss beside me nearly chokes the life from my body. I turn to face him, immediately regretting my words.
“Jasik…” I shake my head, searching for something to say that would justify my behavior. I went too far. I was too harsh. I can’t believe I took out my frustration on the one person I actually care to be around right now.
“It’s okay. You’re upset,” he says, shrugging off my concern as he walks toward me.
He plays it cool, like my words don’t affect him, but I see the shock and sadness in his eyes. Pointing out that he has essentially been alone—without his blood family and childhood friends—for far too many years was a low blow on my part. I had no right to be such a jerk. A hundred years from now, the last thing I’d want is to be reminded that everyone I ever loved is dead—and that I’ll never see them again.
“No, it’s not. It’s never okay for me to talk to you like that. I didn’t mean what I said.”
“Vampires live a different life than mortals,” Jasik says.
“I know.”
“We don’t necessarily get to choose our sires or our subsequent obligations after the transition.”
What kills me more than that quick flash of pain behind his eyes is the fact that he feels the need to justify himself to me. He doesn’t need to explain why he lives the way he lives or why his life has been focused on eradicating rogues rather than making friends.
“I know,” I say again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Hunters spend their lives protecting vampires,” he continues. “We don’t have time to make friends.”
I close the space between us and grab his hands. I squeeze them slightly and rub my thumbs over his cool skin. “I’m sorry.”
He smiles. “It’s okay.”
“I’m just upset. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
He shakes his head. “No, you shouldn’t have, but you should talk about it.”
I pull away from him and step back. “There isn’t anything to talk about.”
“Ava, stop this. I’m your sire. That’s not just some superficial bond. Being your sire means I am here for you, always. You can talk to me about anything.”
The moment I decide to tell him about the dark promise I made to Amicia, my throat closes. A knot so tight and thick forms, it prevents me from revealing my blood oath.
Misunderstanding my hesitation, Jasik continues. “I know you’re angry with Amicia’s decision, but is that all that’s bothering you?”
Again, I try to tell him what Amicia made me do, but I swallow my words. Something inside me is screaming to speak, to admit my fault, to explain the blood oath, but in that same breath, something else squashes the desire. I’m torn between admitting the truth and dealing with the fallout and living in blissful ignorance. Maybe my concern is for nothing. Maybe a blood promise is common and there really is nothing to worry about.
“Ava?” Jasik squints, eyes concerned. Right about now, he’s probably wishing he can read minds. I’m thankful he can’t.
Finally finding my voice, I say, “I just hate to abandon Liv. It’s not right. The cost of our feud shouldn’t be her death.”
Jasik exhales slowly, loudly, his eyes assessing me. “I agree.”
He knows I’m hiding something. His gaze is piercing, as if he can see straight through to my soul. I gnaw on my lower lip, waiting for him to continue.
“But Amicia has made her decision,” he says.
“And she speaks for all?” I ask, wondering how many others would have sided with me if they didn’t fear her backlash.
Jasik nods. “As long as we are members of her nest, she does.”
My heart sinks. Is this really how it will be from now on? If being a vampire means making enemies and helping those only deemed worthy by Amicia, then I want no part of this new life or my new family.
We haven’t spoken since Jasik explained saving Liv is a lost cause. I’m angry with him for siding with Amicia over me. I wonder if he’d still care for his precious Amicia if he knew about the dark promise she forced me to make. Would he be upset knowing she basically cornered me and gave me no other option besides homelessness?
Every time I want to spill the beans about his fearless leader, something prevents me from speaking. I want him to feel my pain, my anger, but I don’t want him to be mad at me.
I want to be wrong about Amicia. I want to believe her and trust in the blood oath. I want my home and family to be safe, but I can’t fight the rising anguish that threatens to overwhelm me. I hate that I doubt her, but I can’t help myself.
The deeper into the woods we travel, the more difficult the trek. I kick at a lush pile of snow with my military boots, and the tip of my shoe is dusted with fluff. The contrast between the stark white woodlands and my black hunting attire is jarring. Jasik is dressed to match, and I now understand why human hunters spend so much time in the apparel department. A rogue could spot us with very little effort.
The forest seems to travel for miles and miles, as if it has no end, but I know this isn’t true. In fact, it ends rather abruptly where it touches Darkhaven. In one step, the world goes from endless rows of trees to a concrete slab, from nature to city in the blink of an eye.
I scan the trees, my gaze settling on the expansive wilderness. I see trees and more trees and even more trees in the distance. The air is cool and makes my skin tingle. I’ve learned this is how my senses distinguish different temperatures, because I’m essentially unaffected by them. I know it’s cold, but I don’t feel it. Walking the woods on this dark winter eve, I am content.
“It’s snowing,” Jasik says.
I glance at him. Just as I’m about to point out it’s not snowing, a single flurry flutters before me and lands on my nose. I cross my eyes, trying to fixate on it. My vision blurs, eyes straining to focus on something so close and so small. I reach for the flake, accidentally squashing it with my fingertip.
I frown at my hand, where there is now a droplet of water. It’s so small I almost can’t see it. A human certainly couldn’t. I turn to face Jasik, and the sky erupts. We are showered and coated in white. I laugh and brush off the snow that has covered Jasik’s shoulders. He smiles when more covers the space I’ve just cleared.
Arms flanked out at my sides, I stare at the sky and spin in circles, watching as flakes drift all around me. Some small and some so large I can see their crystallized forms, they smack against my skin, sending a rush of vibrations down my spine at the startling sensation of being assaulted by something so weak.
Jasik stares at me, smiling widely as I enjoy the rush. A bolt of electricity surges through me at the charge from my heightened senses. The snow falls in a perfect swirling tornado of soft white bliss. The cold drops of shimmery ice speckle my face, sending goose bumps down my arms. I feel my skin prickle even under my jacket, and I shudder at the sensation. My nose is wet and pink, my lips dry and tight. But my heart is happy, and my pain is gone.
In these moments, when life seems so perfect, I forget clarity comes with a price. In Darkhaven, there is no such thing as peace.