Then I remembered everything I felt for him was completely one sided. That knowledge was like being doused in gasoline and lit on fire, consuming me with white hot anger.
I jerked my arm away. I didn’t need his help. He grabbed ahold of me again, tightly this time, and I couldn’t shake him off. Pulling me forward, he helped me walk through the club, out the entrance, and into the parking lot. I tried to yank my arm free to no avail. Then my instincts took over. Turning toward him, with my free hand, I slapped him across his face.
He let go, leaving both of us standing there shocked.
“You kissed me,” I blurted as a single tear escaped. “Did you do it because you were afraid to say no to poor little Maura? Do you think I want your fucking pity?” More tears fell. I couldn’t stop them. I was blaming this show of weakness on whiskey.
His shock and anger seemed to fade. Frustratingly, he said nothing. After a long span of silence, I’d come to the conclusion that my needing to know didn’t matter anymore. Either way he answered, our friendship was ruined. We’d never get back what we had.
“Forget it. You’ve made it perfectly clear you’re not interested. It’s my fault for pushing.” I took in a deep breath, held it, then let the air out of my lungs with a heavy sigh. “Go home, Jamie. I’d rather take on the wrath of Stefan than stand here—”
“I don’t fucking pity you, Maura,” he snapped. He rubbed his hands down his face. “I don’t know how to do this.” His fingers flicked between us. “I don’t know if I can, and you deserve better than that.”
“Do you even want me?” The sound of defeat was blatant in my tone. I expected him to say no and no matter how much it’d hurt, I still needed to hear it to move on.
He gave me an exasperated look. “It doesn’t matter what I want.”
“Yes, it does,” I argued. “Since I’ve been home, things have been changing between us. The looks, the touching. I need to know it wasn’t all in my head. I need to know I’m not the only one wanting more between us.”
He seemed a little taken aback, eyes widening slightly, but he didn’t answer me, which set me off. “Damnit, Jamie! Just put me out of my fucking misery and tell me!”
“Yes, I want you! Fuck, I’ve wanted you!” His body turned away, angrily running his hands through his hair. His jaw clenched as he stared off into the distance. He looked torn. Why?
Stunned, all I could do was stand there and watch as he seemed to battle with himself. My fingers ached to comfort him, but I kept my feet rooted to the ground. I wouldn’t pressure him anymore. I couldn’t do that to him, and I couldn’t do that to myself. Instead, I replayed this moment in my head. Rewound everything he'd said, trying to understand why this was so hard for him.
“Why?” I asked. “Why do you think you don’t deserve me?”
His eyes closed slowly, looking pained.
When his eyes opened, they shifted to mine. My breath hitched. They were filled with so much emotion. He was letting it all show. Anger. Defeat. Sadness.
“I’ve never given women respect for more than a night and I don’t think I ever can give more than that,” he explained, sounding bitter. “A relationship could pull me from my priorities and that’s protecting this family and Stefan. If it ever comes down to it—and I know it will—where I’ll be stuck in the middle between you two, I’ll have to choose…”
“You’ll choose Stefan,” I finished for him, not at all surprised. I’ll admit, it wasn’t easy hearing it out loud.
“It’s our code. We all follow it. Even you, in your own way,” he explained.
Stefan’s code of honor was like the Mafia’s omertà. All the men in the family took the code seriously, but as a woman, it wasn’t really something Stefan had sat down and talked about with me. I'd only heard about it because teenaged boys liked to talk when they thought I wasn’t listening. It wasn't like anyone had expected me to be introduced to the business side of things. Women in the family were kept naive because most of the men thought we were too weak to handle what they did, which in turn gave us deniability if anything were to happen. Now that I kind of had my foot in the door, I had a feeling I was going to be hearing about the code a lot more.
I sighed heavily and wiped away the wet tracks along my cheeks. “I don’t know what scenarios you’ve drawn up in your head, but boo fucking hoo. Your loyalty to Stefan is the last thing that’d wreck me. Stefan and I have always butted heads and probably always will. I’m kind of pissed that you’re comparing me to the normal, anorexic, air-headed bimbos you’re used to screwing. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to, Jamie?” I practically growled my words.
Everyone wanted to be the center of someone’s world. It was human nature. You couldn't have those kinds of expectations in our world. I’d always understood that. I'd known there would come a day where I’d meet someone, and I'd prayed they’d be understanding that my loyalty to Stefan had to take priority. Code or not, he was the king of our family’s empire. Everything our family relied on rode on his shoulders. And if anything were to happen to him, it would be chaos.
“In all the years we’ve known each other, I’ve never tried to get you to pick me over him. The fact that you think I would makes me want to punch you in your perfect face,” I fumed.
“I just don’t want to hurt you, Maura.”
Well, shit. How can I be mad at that? My shoulders slumped as my anger simmered. Shifting from one foot to the other, I tried to find the courage to say what I needed to next. I wouldn’t beg him to want me. The ball was in his court. “If I’m going to have a semblance of happiness in this life, I’ll take you any way I can have you because a piece of you is still better than nothing. Even if it’s only friendship. I don’t want to lose you. I need you too much.”
We stood there in the middle of Anarchy’s parking lot just staring at each other. Jamie reeled in his emotions, locking everything down. The longer time passed without his answer, the less confident I felt about anything. My feet shuffled again before I gave up.
“Where’s your car? We might as well head home. I’ll give you space to—”
Jamie startled me by cupping the back of my head and pulling me to him. His lips came down onto mine. I quickly recovered from my shock, seized his shirt in my hands, and stood on my tiptoes to help deepen our kiss.
“I want this. I want you—in every way I can have you. But I’m going to fuck it up. I don’t know how to do this,” he said, sounding pained in between kisses.
I nodded and pulled away slightly. “We’re both going to mess up. It’s inevitable. As long as we don’t set out to hurt each other, I think we’ll be okay,” I reassured him. “Let’s just take this one day at a time.”
My words seemed to get through to him and the tension in his body eased. He molded his lips back to mine and I felt his tongue sweep out, demanding entry. I opened, groaning when his tongue brushed mine. His hand roamed down my bare back until it reached the base of my spine. He hesitated before his hand continued its descent and smoothed over my butt. His fingers flexed and squeezed, causing the fabric of my dress to ride up. A cool breeze hit my bare bits, making me gasp. I pushed away from him to pull down my dress.