Always you I’m going to choose.
No more numbness, joy and pain,
Clouding over all the shame.
Hurt the one I loved the most,
I’d follow her to every coast.
After I sing the last chorus, the crowd joins in too and the cheers were deafening and the lights blinding. Another successful show down. I walked backstage after and grabbed a bottle of water, and we all made our way into the back room. Tia was in the corner with Zach talking a mile a minute, Bailey was sitting on Lennon’s lap, Adam was in a political debate with Luke, and I took it all in.
I’d been clean and sober for over three months. Had I mastered sobriety? Hell no. Far from it. But I’d come to realize a few things since I’d stop numbing myself from every discomfort life threw at me. Yeah, the prescription pills had been a new addition to my arsenal once we’d gone on tour, but I’d been drinking since I was fourteen years old. Every single family interaction I’d encountered over the last several years—I’d been plastered. Numb. And what I’d learned was that the shit waited for you to sober up. So, I’d just been buying time, chasing something I wasn’t going to find by avoiding all the bullshit in my life. That’s probably why I’d added in the prescription drugs. The booze hadn’t been enough anymore. But nothing would have been enough. Because it’s always there waiting for you when you sober up. One big bitch slap of reality. And now that I’d stopped running from it, faced my shit head on—it wasn’t that bad. My dad was a sack of shit. Me being drunk or sober didn’t change that. And the plus side to being forced to deal with your shit? You got to feel the other things too…the things that weren’t bad. There were more good things in my life than I’d ever realized.
Watching my brother find happiness was one of the best things I’d ever experienced. Lennon was going to be okay, happy even. Seeing Jade after months of her being gone, as much as it tore me apart to give her the space she needed right now, it also felt good. Seeing her kick ass and find her way did something to me. It inspired me to push myself.
I was writing music I was fucking proud of. My lyrics were raw and real. And the execs at AF records were impressed, and fuck if that didn’t feel good. To do more than just show up because you’re good looking as fuck and faking your way through life was a high in its own.
“You ready, bro?” Lennon asked with Bailey standing beside him. The two were joined at the hip.
“Yeah. Let’s go. Cars outside.”
We were heading to Utah for two days to see Mom and I had an in-person session scheduled with Dr. Roberts. I looked forward to seeing her this time. I’d made progress. I hadn’t flown to Chicago to crash Jade’s date with Dick like I normally would. Nope. I’d stayed in New York and given her the space she asked for. Did I beat the shit out of my sparring partner who’d volunteered to step in the cage the next morning because I hadn’t heard from her that night? Sure.
Rome wasn’t built in a fucking day.
And he was a willing participant, and I gave him free tickets to our show, so he was well compensated. The point is, I was making progress.
“Obviously, I don’t condone acts of violence, Cruz, but you’ve found a positive outlet, and I’m all for that. You used restraint and heard what Jade asked you for.”
“It sucked ass knowing she was on a date with that Dick. Did I tell you his name was Dick?” I moved to the window, as it always calmed me down when I felt confined.
“You may have mentioned it a couple dozen times,” Dr. Roberts said.
“He’s an asshole. A real boy scout wannabe.”
“You don’t know him. Let’s talk about why you really dislike him.”
I rolled my eyes. “Why I dislike him? It’s not rocket science, doc. He wants my girl. I fucking hate him.”
She barked out a laugh. “So, he’s not an, er, asshole, or a boy scout. You don’t like him because he’s a threat to you, correct?”
I dropped back down in my seat and faced her. My jaw ticked at her words and I took a minute before I responded. “He’s not a threat to me. Jade loves me. I don’t doubt that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I don’t like the idea of him pawing all over her, and I don’t have a fucking clue what’s going on,” I said.
“But she was up front about going out with him. She even suggested you do the same. And she told you how the date went after, correct? Sounds pretty upfront.”
I ran a hand over my face. “When you put it that way.”
“There’s no other way to put it, Cruz. She’s being honest with you. She’s not ready to dive back into anything with you yet. I will say, the fact that she let you spend the night and is talking to you almost daily, is a good sign for you. But right now, she’s asking you to be her friend. So be the best friend you can be. Friendship is a big part of any positive relationship.”
“Yeah. But hearing about other dudes, sucks. She told me he kissed her again. I wanted to smash the phone. I haven’t kissed her in, hell, I can’t even remember the last time I kissed her. It was the last time I was with her before everything went to shit,” I said, leaning my head back and closing my eyes. These were the times that I didn’t like feeling everything. The weight of my actions. My fucking girl was out with some douchebag named Dick because I’d failed her.
And I’d failed myself.
“Good. It’s important for you to see that consequences follow actions. No one got seriously injured, and you’re lucky. You’re getting a second chance. And considering the fact you’re the lead singer of a band currently on tour, you’re being harassed by your father who’s a powerful man in his own right, and you’re trying to pick up the pieces with Jade—you impress me, Cruz. You’re stronger than you think you are. And the key here is…you didn’t smash the phone. You didn’t take your anger out on her. You listened. You did exactly what she needed you to do.”
“How long do I have to do this for?” I said with a moan. I was still a spoiled prick most of the time, I just masked it better by being sober.
“As long as she needs you to.”
“Well, what the hell am I here for then if you can’t tell me anything?” I cocked a brow at her.
“I’m proud of you. You’re growing. I see it every time we meet. I would like to suggest that you and Jade discuss what happened that night with Dex, and the morning after when you found her. I think it’s going to be pivotal for you both to move forward.”
“She hasn’t wanted to talk about it, but I know we need to.”