Chapter One
Jade
We’d been in Honduras for just a few days, and I was adapting to my new environment. We’d flown into Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras, and driven endless miles on dirt roads to our compound. The building was surrounded by a large, cement block wall, which we were told not to leave unless we were with our group. There was no TV here, none of the modern conveniences we were used to, and every evening we all pulled out our prescription bottles and took our malaria pills—a daily reminder that we had entered a different world.
It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was in desperate need of a change, which is why I’d signed up last minute to spend my summer here. I was sick of the drama that had followed me and Cruz, and I’d come to a fork in the road—and I’d decided to change my course.
My heart ached every day, and I hoped that once I immersed myself in helping those in need, it would hurt a little less. That was the goal. I’d found my rock bottom… it was lying on a hotel room floor after being knocked unconscious by my boyfriend’s bandmate, all while Cruz, the love of my life, lie only a hundred feet away unaware because he’d decided to take prescription sleeping pills. Did I mention he chased them down with whiskey? After he’d promised he would stop the pills and the drinking. It could have been worse. I could have died if I’d hit my head differently. And no one would have known.
It was time for a fresh start. No more crying over Cruz Winslow. I was sick of myself and sick of who we’d become. I still loved him. There was no denying it. But that didn’t mean he was good for me.
He wasn’t.
I’d known it for a while, but my traitorous heart had steered me wrong. But I wasn’t thinking with my heart anymore. I was thinking with my head. I was a smart girl. It was time I started acting like it.
I’d done well on my MCAT, and I’d be applying to medical school in two weeks, pending we could find reception out here. My group leader, Richard, would also be applying at the same time, so he said we’d figure it out together, even if it meant driving into the capital to submit our applications.
Cruz had texted me daily since I’d arrived here, letting me know he’d started a thirty-day rehab program in Utah. I didn’t have high expectations. He was continuing as the lead singer of Exiled, and I doubted he’d remain in this program for thirty days. Cruz was stubborn and he hadn’t thought he had a problem before he found me lying unconscious on his hotel room floor, so what would make him think differently now? I wanted to trust him, but I knew better. I’d ignored his downward spiral for months, because I just didn’t want to see it at the time. I didn’t want to add to his stress. There had been signs and red flags—and I’d let him convince me over and over again that he didn’t have a problem. That everything was under control. And I’d bought into all of it. Love had a funny way of allowing you permission to turn a blind eye when it was easier than dealing with the things life was throwing at you. But I’d taken off my rose-colored glasses, and I was seeing things clearly. I had no expectations anymore. It would be easier that way.
I needed him to stop texting me so often. I told him we could text once a week moving forward. I was determined to use this time to figure out who I was and find a new path—and he needed to do the same. Love wasn’t enough. I’d learned that the hard way. I told him he was free to date other girls and do what he wanted. We were done.
Donezo.
Finit.
Although I thought I was tough and brave, honestly—the idea of him with someone else made me sick to my stomach. But it was a necessary pain. I needed to get over him, and I couldn’t do that if we were still hoping to make things work. This was not our time and the sooner we both got on board, the better.
I had to be the strong one. Cruz wasn’t. And at the rate we were going, we’d kill one another—if not physically, mentally. I’d finally realized that our love was not a good love. It was too intense, too overpowering and too toxic.
I shared a room with seventeen other girls from all over the United States. The compound was split in two. A girls’ side and a boys’ side. We’d all come on this medical brigade together. There were nine sets of bunk beds in my room, and Jessica and I shared the one in the back corner. I was on the top bunk because apparently Jessica is afraid of heights. I actually laughed when she told me. She wasn’t kidding either, she couldn’t even climb up there to sit and talk. I had to go down to her bunk if we wanted to visit. The window in our room faced the surrounding sugarcane fields, and it calmed me in a weird way. There were no paparazzi waiting outside for me, no gossip magazines spreading lies about me and Cruz, and no drama.
I was here to do something good with my life and help people that were in need.
I stepped in the restroom shared with seventeen other girls, with one shower and one toilet. You weren’t allowed to flush the toilet paper in the toilet, and the shower water was cold at all times. It was a perfect daily reminder of my fresh start. Literally and figuratively.
I rinsed my mouth using purified water from my water bottle and quickly washed my face. I pulled my hair into a bun on top of my head, covered every inch of my body in insect repellant, and slipped into a pair of scrubs.
“You ready to go grab some breakfast before we head out?” I asked Jessica, and she set her journal aside and pushed to her feet.
“Yes. We officially start in our small groups today. I’m so glad we got placed together. And Richard seems pretty cool.” Jessica grabbed her water bottle and we made our way to the dining area.
I chose fruit and cereal for breakfast, and we both tucked a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in our backpacks for lunch. The food trucks would come out mid-day and provide us with lunch, but Jessica and I liked to offer that meal to the kids we were working with, and we brought our own sandwiches to hold us over. My small group would be assisting at a dental clinic for the next few days, assisting Dr. Lingy with exams.
“Let’s load up,” Richard said, and we grabbed our bags and made our way to the bus.
The bus would drop each group at their locations. Ours was the farthest away, and I settled in next to Jessica for the long two-hour commute. The roads were bumpy, and she and I laughed a few times as we bounced out of our seats. I pulled out my mom’s journal and read today’s entry. I liked to read on the same date as she wrote it all those years ago. Even though she was gone, it somehow made me feel close to her.
May 19th
Dear Journal,
I am working full-time at the news station this summer, and I couldn’t be happier about it. One of the news anchors told me that this was where he started. I have so many dreams, and I’m so ready to start chasing them. This is definitely the first one, and it’s going better than I ever imagined. Sabrina, the lady who set me up with this internship, said that the producer was singing my praises, and she told me to keep up the good work. I definitely planned on it.