He glances at me out of the corner of his eye. “Where did you learn to cook like that?”
Does he genuinely not know? “It’s what I studied in University. I want to open up my own restaurant and bakery one day.”
He seems surprised and I wonder why. “That’s a good endeavour. I’m guessing you’ve had to drop out due to the recent events?”
“Yes. Caleb was going to drop out and stay at home with the baby.”
I see him shake his head as he mutters, “I bet he was.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I notice his gloved hands twisting on the steering wheel, the leather squeaking against the rubber. “If you have something to say, then by all means say it.”
“I don’t.” I wait for him to explain his strange muttered outburst further but he doesn’t. A large part of me wants to press him for more but I’m afraid to create more drama between us. “Will you be cooking this evening?”
“If you like.” I shrug and stare at the passing trees. “It’s beautiful out here. I wish I could enjoy it more.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I wish Caleb were still alive and then everything wouldn’t seem so bland and tasteless, and I’m not just talking about food.”
He lets out a sigh and chews on his lower lip for a moment. “Caleb hated the countryside.”
“He did?”
“Yes. He preferred the beach.”
“Oh.” I didn’t know this. My eyes burn slightly, but I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I’ve just realised I’m never going to know a lot of things about him now, only what I already know and what I’m told by others.
The rain starts up again but it’s only a light drizzle in comparison to how it was before. I seek refuge in the kitchen, surrounded by bubbling pots and a warming oven, as Nathan left me as soon as we arrived home. I’m grateful for this. The darkness that I’ve tried so hard to keep away has come back again and right now I just need to be left to my thoughts.
I refuse to go to bed and wallow this time. I’m going to cook. I need to do something. I don’t want Caleb shouting at me from up there, telling me to get a hold of myself, which I know he’s probably doing.
Or maybe he’s stood right beside me, brushing the hair from my shoulder in preparation for his lips. Maybe he’s whispering in my ear, telling me it’s all going to be okay.
“It’s not, Caleb,” I respond to nobody, my bottom lip quivering as I try to swallow the lump in my throat and relieve the burning behind my eyes. “It’s never going to be okay again.”
There’s no response, not like I was hoping, so I knuckle down and continue making dinner.
It must be the smell that has drawn Nathan from his room because he’s sitting at the dining table right as I finish serving. He inhales deeply and looks at me. “This looks amazing.”
Sitting beside him, I sip my water and take a bite of my own. It tastes like ash again. “Thanks.”
“It tastes amazing too.”
“I would’ve made something different but there isn’t much in.” I explain my reasons for making spaghetti again and take another bite.
“Is everything okay?” He asks, his eyes concerned rather than full of their usual irritation.
I shrug. “Fine.”
He opens his mouth to speak but shuts it again and shakes his head. I’m grateful he doesn’t ask, but part of me also wants him to. I want to spill everything that’s in my soul.
Although even if he did ask, I doubt I’d tell.
I continue picking at my food until he finishes his and then set about clearing up. He helps me carry things from the dining area and into the kitchen.
“I won’t be available tomorrow. I have to go to the city. I doubt I’ll be back until Tuesday morning.” He licks his lower lip and dries the pots as I pass them to him, his gloves still firmly on his hands.
“Okay.” Great, another lonely day.
“I’ve arranged for a laptop for you. It should arrive in the morning after I’ve left. I’ll write down the password for the WI-FI and pin it to the fridge before I leave.”
Oh. Well I wasn’t expecting that. “That’s brilliant, thank you.”
“No problem.” I pass him a small bowl and gasp when it shatters on the ground after our fingers connect ever so slightly. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve been more careful with my hand.” I immediately crouch and start picking up the shards.
Nathan whips off his gloves and immediately goes to the sink to wash his hands. He does realise I didn’t actually touch his skin, right? “It just shocked me. I should have been more careful,” he says calmly but I can see the stress in his eyes. “Leave that. You’ll cut yourself. I’ll get the sweeping brush.”
I stand and search for the dustpan and brush as he sweeps the entire area into one small pile. After scooping them up, I tip them in the bin and watch him wash his hands again.
Placing a napkin over his fingertips, he opens a nearby drawer and pulls out another pair of the same style gloves. He really has a problem.
“We good?” I ask, tilting my head to the side.
He nods, flexing his fingers inside the leather. “I apologize for startling you.”
I’m shocked. He sounds genuinely apologetic. I go to place my hand on his arm as a way to comfort him but think better of it and take a step back. “It was an accident. Could have happened to anyone.”
His eyes linger on my face for a long while and I look away, unwilling to decipher the emotion in them.
“Gwen…” He lets out a breath and stalks from the room.
What was he going to say? Probably apologize again or maybe a thank you.
My thoughts don’t linger on this as I get back to the cleaning. My stomach rolls and turns as the baby tries to get comfortable. I pat my swollen belly affectionately and retire for the night.
******
Nathan has left before breakfast, leaving me to deal with the delivery of my new laptop. I set it up immediately, eager to play. I have to admit that it’s a very good laptop and obviously expensive. This makes me feel even worse about my opinion of Nathan. Sure he may be moody and a bit of an introvert and sometimes rude, not to mention the fact he can be mean and tactless, but he’s trying to help. Whether that’s due to guilt or loyalty to his brother, I don’t know. Either way, he’s still helping and he’s still providing me with anything I require.
When collecting the password from the fridge, I notice Nathan’s mobile number underneath the pin. I set up the WI-FI and contemplate for a while whether or not I should text him.
I decide yes.
Gwen: Thank you for the laptop. It’s great. G x
He doesn’t respond but I don’t expect or need him to.
I sit and have a cup of tea with Jeanine before she leaves and watch videos on YouTube. They’re funny videos that should crack even the coldest of souls, yet none of them even draw a smile from me.
I wonder if I’ll ever feel the same but then I realise I don’t think I ever want to. Gone is the bubbly girl who smiled at everything and in her place is the girl who found her fiancé dead beside her only five months before the arrival of their baby.