“You’re getting me out of bed so I can feed you?” I ask, my tone incredulous and impatient. I’m not the nicest person when I wake up. I try to turn around. “Order pizza.”
His answer is to pull me down the stairs whilst chuckling.
Hey, the archway is glowing. Oh my god.
Christmas lights!
They hang loosely along the top and sides of the archway, twinkling purple and white in no particular pattern. The wooden floor holds the reflection of other dancing lights. I notice this as I make it to the last step. Nathan steps behind me and covers my eyes with one hand whilst guiding me by the elbow with the other.
“Okay, so, I’ve never actually done this myself before and it probably looks awful.” He’s nervous. I love it when he gets nervous. It reminds me that he’s human and not a robot.
I know what he’s done, he’s decorated the room for me. But the anticipation and excitement to see it for real is strong.
“Ready?” He asks and I hear him gulp.
“As I’ll ever be.” His hand moves away and I gasp. “There’s a tree!” I squeal and clap my hands before turning to look at the large room properly. My feet carry me to the fireplace where two stockings hang. I laugh and touch the red faux fur between my fingers and thumb.
There’s not a surface without something Christmassy, it’s amazing!
“Nathan,” I sniff, my eyes tearing with emotion. “I can’t believe you did this.” He shrugs, his head lowered, seemingly shy all of a sudden. I step into him and wrap my arms around his waist. “This is amazing. You… are amazing.” His arms come around me and we stand in the centre of the room, multi-coloured lights dancing across our bodies. The scent of pine wood and cinnamon fills the air.
It’s almost Christmas.
******
We spend Christmas day just the two of us. I cook for obvious reasons and Nathan cleans. We didn’t get each other much, mostly because we didn’t know what to get. Nathan made me a bracelet to match my necklace and a new phone, which is way too fancy and complicated for me but I love it all the same. I got him ten new pairs of gloves, which he laughed his arse off at and a new jacket which cost half of my savings. He claims to love it and wears it proudly, but secretly I think he hates it and is just too kind to say anything.
Dinner is divine as I knew it would be and I made far too much. It doesn’t matter though, I’ll be having turkey and stuffing sandwiches for the rest of the week. I don’t know a thing that’s better.
Mostly we watch the Christmas movies on TV and play old board games that have more dust than pieces. We even try to play twister but I can’t bend so that was a bust.
By the time midnight rolls around I’ve drunk my weight in alcohol free Baileys and I’m stuffed to the brim with food. Exhaustion seeps into me, making me feel heavy and lethargic. Nathan sees my eyes drooping and takes me to bed.
I should feel guilty that on Christmas night I fell asleep with a man other than the one I claim to love so profoundly, but I don’t. If anything I’m just happy that even though Caleb’s gone, there’s a good man looking after me in his stead who wants to hold me tightly throughout the night.
I’m selfish, it’s true, but I can’t bring myself to end this… whatever this is… between Nathan and me.
New Year’s Eve passes uneventfully. We didn’t bother with fireworks because they scare the crap out of me. I told Nathan to go out and have fun but he insisted that he’d rather be at home reading. He stayed at home with me but he did no reading. There was a lot of eating and baking, though. He can now make scones successfully which is actually harder than it looks.
I’m now only two days from my due date and I’m scared out of my mind.
The snow is thick on the ground. When I go outside I have to wear wellies as it comes to my ankles in some places. I want to build a snowman but Nathan won’t help me. He hates the snow and has avoided leaving the house while it lays on the ground in one huge, white blanket of doom, as he dramatically calls it.
Spoil sport.
Fingers crossed it melts by tomorrow. My stomach has been twinging slightly all day and I’m concerned I’ll go into labour during this stupid weather. Although the weather forecast says it’ll stop snowing by tonight, it’s now one in the afternoon and although it has stopped I don’t trust the forecast. They’ve lied to me too many times before.
As it is, I don’t tell Nathan that I’ve been getting twinges. The last time I did that he took me to the hospital and it turned out to be gas. It was humiliating and he still laughs about it from time to time. Mostly because when the woman leaned over me, her fingers grasping at my cervix in an attempt to see if I’m dilated or not, she must have pushed the wrong button because I farted and it didn’t stop for about seven seconds.
The room went silent and still, save for my loud and squeaky, endless fart. Then Nathan burst out with laughter so hard that tears streamed from his eyes and he turned red from not being able to breathe. What’s worse is, it stank really, really bad. This only made him laugh harder. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment.
He laughed all the way home too and all day the next day. Even now sometimes he’ll look at me and his body will start shaking as he tries to contain it.
My twinges seem to stop by the time I’m ready for bed which I’m severely grateful for. I climb under the covers without a care in the world. Nathan climbs in behind me and holds me tight like he does every night.
I don’t feel lonely. I feel good, not great, but good.
My smile remains on my face as I fall asleep, eager to see what this year will bring.
I’m not sure what time it is when I wake up with an awful pain in my stomach that rivals that of a strong period pain. An arm around my waist stops me from sitting up with it. I rub my lower stomach. It’s probably just gas like last time, which would be embarrassing due to Nathan sleeping next to me. What time is it?
It’s only ten fifty at night. I’ve been asleep an hour or so.
I lie back, my neck on top of Nathan’s outstretched arm, his breath fanning across my cheek. Another pain rumbles in my lower stomach, making all of my limbs want to curl. I bring my knees up as high as I can get them and roll onto my side. My breath leaves me as the pain leaves my body. Nothing but a dull ache remains.
What the hell’s going on?
Oh… shit.
Nah, it’s just false labour.
I need to pee.
“Nathan,” I mumble and prod him in the chest.
He stirs and blinks his eyes open, looking tired. “What’s wrong?”
“It hurts,” I moan and roll onto my back.
Nathan looks panicked. “What does?”
“My back and my stomach.” I sit up and he follows suit. “I need the toilet.”
“Okay.” He shakes himself out of his stupor and climbs from the bed. His hands grip me under the arms and help me up. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lie because I’m not; I’m terrified.
Another pain grows within, starting in my lower stomach and radiating through my back. My body lurches forward and my hand grips Nathan’s bicep. The skin all over my stomach tightens and I feel a horrible pressure down below.