Emil wished to touch it, but kept his hands to himself, silently mourning what could have been if Adam wasn’t a priest. He should have never stuck his hand into the beehive because now he’d tasted the honey of Adam’s lips only to get stung, and would forever know what he was missing out on.
Emil grabbed Jinx’s reins and started walking. “So I’m guessing that whip was what left the bruising on your back?”
Adam lowered his head but didn’t react with anger. “I know what you think. But it really helps me stay in control.”
Emil swallowed, uncomfortable yet desperate to uncover more. Self-flagellation was hardly an appropriate topic for their surroundings—a sea of wheat shining brightly in the growing June sunshine.
“Are you… hm… a masochist?”
Adam laughed, as if he’d expected an intrusive question but got asked a funny one instead. “No, I… I do it to stop thinking about things I shouldn’t. Trying to recondition myself.”
That sounded like a very grim self-conversion therapy. “When I was going through puberty and discovering that I liked boys, I found it hard to accept too,” Emil said in the gentlest voice he could muster. He didn’t mean to pressure Adam or belittle his convictions. It was a conversation about something they were both dealing with, and while he meant to encourage Adam to share, the topic made him tense as well.
Adam swallowed loudly enough for Emil to hear, but at least he didn’t outright protest Emil suggesting they were both gay.
“I suppose you deserve to know,” he said in the end in the faintest voice. “I didn’t choose to do what I did last night, but what I did, what I said, he’d taken all that straight out of my head.”
Emil fought the heat in his cheeks. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear that after all. “I hate to think that you hurt yourself over something you were born as.”
“What else can I do? I don’t want to be like the priests who condemn fornication, and then have orgies behind closed doors or have secret children. The self-flagellation helps me… manage my emotions.”
Emil glanced at him, so unbearably sad for all that needless torment. “You could talk to me instead. My whole life doesn’t revolve around putting notches on my bedpost, you know.”
Adam glanced at him, shyly at first, only to turn his way with undivided attention. “Thank you. I know my behavior’s been… erratic, but I enjoy your company. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. Honestly, I mean.”
Emil rubbed the stupid hump on his nose, yet more proof of his bad luck. "You'll need it now that they confiscated your whip." Emil loved Jinx, but the horse wasn’t a creature he could exchange intelligent ideas with.
“Maybe we should have morning coffee together. After my jogs?” Adam asked as they neared Emil’s home, which invited them back with shiny windows, as if yesterday’s events had been nothing out of the ordinary. Were mice still following Adam, hidden in the tall grass? Or had they actually responded to their demon overlord, who might still reside inside Adam?
Emil smiled, turning toward the barn to leave Jinx inside. “I’d really like that. Have you—I mean, you said you’re celibate, right?”
“Yes.” Adam pulled on a weed growing by the wall and peeled off its leaves and spikelets, as if he needed something to do with his hands.
“So… what happened, was a first for you?” Emil didn’t want to pry, but he was concerned about what that could mean for Adam.
“It doesn’t matter,” Adam said in a calm voice, but to Emil that answer was as good as confirmation.
Jinx whinnied and sped into his box as if he couldn’t wait for his lunch. Emil had filled his manger earlier, so he shut the door and faced Adam, trying to calm his breathing as the truth of Adam’s ordeal sank in.
“It does. I’m sorry it had to happen for you this way.” Emil leaned against the barn door with a deep sigh. “I was a late bloomer myself. I became aware of the things I wanted after I shared this brief, innocent thing with another boy my age, but never really reached out for them until I was twenty. So, my point is, if I… hurt you, you can tell me. Are you okay?” he asked, trying hard not to imagine how violating the sex must have felt for Adam, who lay beneath him, trapped inside his body and unable to call for help. Being penetrated for the first time was a nerve-wracking experience for most people, even when it was consensual, and he had a hard time coping with the fact that he’d harmed Adam by trying to give him pleasure.
Adam’s chest filled with air, but he met Emil’s gaze. “I was scared. But you didn’t hurt me. I know I said you should have known, but it was only because I was angry. You couldn’t have known. None of it was your fault.”
Emil nodded with a heavy heart. No matter how lovely Adam’s blue eyes were, they no longer invited him to seduce. An unenthusiastic partner made any of his arousal wither. What he craved was a lover who, well… loved him back.
He passed Adam with ‘I was scared’ still ringing in his head. He would never be able to look back at what had happened with fondness.
“What about you?” Adam asked, following him across the sunlit yard. “You are very confident in what you want, whether it’s moral or not. What held you back before you were twenty?”
Emil chewed on that with a deep sigh. “You probably heard the gossip about my parents’ death. My grandma died not long after, so I was brought up by my grandad. He was a fantastic guy. He taught me everything I know. How to hunt, how to take care of animals, and how to handle my basic household chores—something he had to learn himself after Grandma passed away. I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
He invited Adam inside with a heavy heart. The house hadn’t been the same without Grandpa, but Emil kept it the way it had been when they’d lived here together, hoping it would preserve the spirit of the old man.
“Sin aside, he raised you right,” Adam said with a small smile.
“I don’t know. I was twenty when he died. See the connection? I didn’t hold back my sexuality after that. It’s not like I can come out of the closet in Dybukowo, but I don’t care what others think as much as I used to when I had to worry about gossip reaching Grandpa. But I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have been honest with him. He was an older guy, but open-minded for these parts, so maybe he would have accepted me the way I am. But I’ll never know.”
Adam stepped closer and pulled Emil into a brief but honest hug before taking away the warmth and scent Emil was already painfully hooked on. “What matters most is to be a decent person. Help your neighbors, don’t be an asshole. And you are a decent guy.”
“If that’s what matters most, why do you call my sexuality a sin and hate it in yourself so much?” Emil turned around, because he couldn’t stand the tension buzzing between them.
For a few precious minutes last night, he’d let himself believe that Adam was his. That he’d lured in a skittish doe, that he would earn its affection by giving it only the most delicious treats with a side dish of love and care. But in the end, domesticating the wild beauty had turned out to be a deluded fantasy of a man who craved companionship more than he’d ever admit.