The ground shook under Emil’s feet, but he remained standing despite nausea crawling through his stomach like a cockroach. “Are you suggesting I had something to do with that? Seriously?” he asked, and for a moment, his voice actually broke.
Adam stared toward the horizon. “I don’t know why you’d set your crows on Piotr now. Maybe you didn’t, but that doesn’t make you innocent when it comes to everything else. In seducing me, in the sinful life we lead I was perfectly fine before we met, and so were you! Maybe we just aren’t right for one another,” he muttered, shaking his head.
Adam might as well have picked up the dagger and stabbed him. Emil let out a bitter laugh. “So this is what it’s about. You just want to dump me. I guess that makes me the stupid one. I should have known better than to get involved with a priest. Was this what you always intended? A summer fling with a country bumpkin?”
Adam’s teeth dug into his bottom lip, and a flash of pain passed over his features. “How can you say that after everything that happened? I wanted to believe in you, and now I feel like a complete idiot. I should have ran right away, immediately after he possessed me the first time!”
Emil balled his hands into fists. “So all that talk of going to Warsaw together was just to string me along until you made up your mind?” The betrayal stung more than he could have imagined. He’d always considered himself a cynical man, didn’t expect much of people, and this was where his willingness to trust Adam had gotten him. Then again, with all the attention Adam showered him with, the endless making out sessions, the promise of more, maybe Emil shouldn’t blame himself. He’d been helpless in the face of Adam’s seemingly innocent affection and bound to fall for his act.
Adam swallowed hard. “You misunderstood me when we discussed this. I wanted to help you get out of this place, so that you could be with someone who actually wants to be in this kind of relationship. I can’t. Everything that happened is only making that more obvious. I will leave Dybukowo, and I will do what I should have done straight away, instead of following my lust like an animal! I will get help. And I will get better. I will not let anyone or anything use me ever again!”
Emil stared at him, but the sense of disbelief was gone from his heart. He should have learned already that good things only happened to him so he could have his hopes crushed. His past was filled with broken promises and rejected dreams, but this—losing Adam—was the worst yet.
“Oh, I’m sorry you have to suffer so much in your life. Boo-hoo. I’m so done with this. If I’m the cause of all your problems, consider yourself freed. All this devil shit has always just been an excuse, hasn’t it? You tasted dick last night and got cold feet today. Makes sense,” he rasped and grabbed the golden chain Adam had given him for his birthday. He hadn’t meant to rip it, but the links broke, and soon the little cross hung from his tightened fist along with two ends of the chain.
The dark blotches on Adam’s skin became an angry shade of red, and despite the invisible blade still hurting Emil’s insides, he couldn’t help but feel regret over this being the last time they’d see one another. He caught the broken necklace and squeezed it in his palm before tossing it at Adam, because its touch burned like a broken promise.
Adam caught it and looked up, his neck tense as if tendons inside it were about to break. “Fuck you,” he said before storming off toward the church he would forever crawl back to, even when love was offered on a golden platter.
Emil wouldn’t let him get the last word. “No! Fuck you!” he yelled and marched toward Jinx.
He had his wallet on him and could get by for a few days until he figured out his shit. If he rode off now, he could get to the train station in Sanok within a few hours. It would be a warm enough place to spend the night.
He could already hear Mrs. Luty loudly complaining to everyone she met what a no-good shit he was for not taking care of his family’s graves on All Saints’ Day, but he didn’t care.
Fuck the graves.
Fuck the house.
Fuck the infusions.
Fuck money.
Fuck Dybukowo.
And most of all, fuck Adam.
Chapter 22 - Adam
Adam had confronted Emil with the hope that cutting the ties would ease the weight in his chest, but his throat kept getting tighter with each step away from the rubble. He’d been a fool. A naive man who couldn’t take care of himself, much less a flock of believers. He’d betrayed everyone—his Church, his parents, even himself—yet every inch of his skin crawled with the need to turn back and swallow Emil’s lies once more.
The archbishop had been right about him, and Adam just wouldn’t accept the fact of his nature being sinful by definition. He should have been more vigilant, more constant in his faith, but maybe if he tried, God would accept him back into the fold.
Maybe everything could still be made right?
The cold wind howled at him that it couldn’t. That he was stuck in a vessel destined for sin and would never experience peace unless he led the existence of a hermit, shielded from temptation by walls that wouldn’t let him lay his eyes on anyone.
The approaching hoof beats sent a shudder down his spine, and he stiffened when Emil sped past him on Jinx, despite there being a different route he could have taken to the Church. He probably wanted to arrive at the parsonage first, but Adam had a feeling that splashing his cassock with mud had been another of Emil’s goals. As if he hadn’t made things bad enough.
Still, Adam’s gaze stayed on the broad back, on the lush hair floating over Emil’s shoulders as he rode to free Adam of his presence forever. The hurt in Emil’s gaze passed through Adam’s mind like a boomerang covered in salt to sprinkle in his wounds, and for the briefest moment doubt scattered over his mind. But before it could have roamed free, he shook his head, determined to stand by his decision.
Even if Emil had told the truth and had never knowingly caused the possession, even if by some chance Filip Koterski had lied, he would be better off leaving everything that had happened in Dybukowo behind. Leave behind the devil, the nosy people, and the one man who’d made Adam forget his calling.
The sky was overcast with fluffy clouds, which obscured the sun, turning everything around that bit colder. The parsonage, which had been his home for long months now seemed as alien as the valley had been when he went on his first walk here, but he would soon leave this now-familiar place behind anyway.
He’d secretly hoped to still bump into Emil upon his arrival, but the room where they’d shared a bed just this morning was empty, all of Emil’s things gone, including the T-shirt Adam had slept in. Only the scent of Emil’s cologne still hung in the air, curling around him in a pull that might have led Adam all the way back to Emil if he chose to follow the wordless calling.
The scent alone was making him salivate and think back to kissing Emil’s delicious skin. No one had ever made Adam feel the way Emil had, but that was why sin was tempting in the first place. If felt good to sin. When he’d eaten six donuts in one go, or when he’d masturbated for the first time, pleasure was the thick perfume masking the odor of moral depravity.
All the signs pointed to Emil having connections to the demon, yet Adam had chosen to overlook them because being with him felt so good.