Because Adam loved him, no matter how wrong it was.
He sank to the unmade bed and looked at the wall on the opposite side, at the cross above the other bed, at the old chest of drawers that held most of his belongings. This wasn’t a place of his own, and it was something he needed to get used to, because his home was within the Church, not in a particular city, or with another person.
It was better this way, despite the emptiness left behind by Emil already putting pressure on his ribs and causing so much pain it felt as if they were about to break and pierce his organs.
Forced by helpless craving, Adam pulled the pillow to his face and smelled where Emil’s head had earlier laid. He could almost sense the luscious long hair against his skin. He denied himself, pushed Emil away because it was the right thing to do, the sensible thing, yet he still wanted Emil so badly he could hardly stand it.
And he hadn’t even tasted everything Emil had been willing to offer. No matter how sated Adam had been after the sex, he had a dark lust for more, and he didn’t know if he could blame that on Emil. He’d imagined being on top of Emil and witnessing the handsome face twisting in pleasure, all flushed and gorgeous as Adam breathed in the scent of his hair and pushed deep inside him, rocking his hips against Emil’s dimpled ass.
A knock on the door startled him so much he let out a yelp and rolled back into a sitting position just in time before Mrs. Janina’s head popped in through the open door. Her presence was literally the last thing he needed, but he clasped his hands and cleared his throat in an attempt to get rid of the uncomfortable thickness there.
“Everything’s been a bit erratic. Emil moved out. As you know,” he said softly.
“Hm. I’ve heard he took his horse with him. Do you have any idea where he might be? Awful to be out on a night like this. November starts tomorrow.”
Adam rubbed his knees, trying to keep his face expressionless, but his resolve was crumbling. “No. I have no idea.”
He hoped he gave off vibes of ‘leave me alone’, but Mrs. Janina pressed on. “Shouldn’t you find out? Are you all right, Father?”
Adam clenched his jaw, fighting the need to confide in someone even if he could share only a partial truth.
The housekeeper continued before he could speak. “I’ll make you some tea, and you might want to contact your mother. She called while you were away.”
Adam’s breath caught, and he stood without thinking. “Of course. Thank you.”
She offered him a smile and led the way down the corridor, with Adam following her like a shadow. The walls, the wooden floors he’s grown so accustomed to seemed cold and uninviting without Emil’s presence.
He walked through the large kitchen that smelled of cookies, and while he did smile back at Mrs. Janina when she met his gaze, the quiet of the small dining room brought him peace.
Mrs. Janina gave him privacy and left the room when he called his mom. They spoke every now and then, but these calls had become hard over the summer when he had no other way but to lie to her about what he was up to. He hadn’t asked her if Emil could stay at theirs, unwilling to have to deal with all the questions she’d surely have.
His soul was a black hole that sucked in everything around it, and if he wasn’t careful, it would eventually infect everyone dear to him.
“Hi Mom,” he said when she picked up, though at this point the conversation was an obligation rather than pleasure. He wanted to bury himself in the sheets he’d shared with Emil last night and never have to come out from under them.
How pathetic was it that he’d grown so attached to a man who dabbled in black magic? Who lied and used him.
“Adam! Finally I get a hold of you. I just wanted to ask if there is really no way for you to visit us for All Saints’ Day? I know it’s tomorrow, but you could take an early train. Would Father Marek not be able to handle things on his own?”
Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Being exposed to her attention at such a vulnerable time was the last thing he needed. He loved his mother, of course, but she had an overbearing nature, and he couldn’t handle that right now. “I’m afraid not. We talked about this.”
“I thought you’d say that. I have obligations at church, but I’ve talked to your dad, and we can’t stay away any longer. We will visit next week. I can’t wait to see you, Adam. It’s been so long. You’ll be home before December, but we want to see what you’ve been up to.”
Adam’s hand tightened on the handset as he sank deeper into the armchair. The faces of saints remained serene in the pictures hung across from him, but their eyes expressed pity, a certainty that no matter how hard Adam tried to hide who he was, he would eventually end up exposed.
“Are you sure? I have a lot of work to do. And, as you said, we will see each other soon,” he said, with sweat beading on his back. If she came here, would she be able to see what he’d become?
Or had he always been corrupted and Emil’s influence only made that aspect of him more evident?
“I just… I want to make sure all is well with you. There’s this woman… She lived there back when we went hiking years ago. Mrs. Słowik. Is she still there by any chance?”
Adam exhaled when he realized Mother was asking about Emil’s grandma, and it took him several seconds to collect himself before he spoke. “No. I heard she passed away. Why?”
Mom exhaled deeply. “Oh, good. I mean, not that I wouldn’t wish her well. I just… she’d spoken to me and Dad about these pagan rituals, so it’s good that these things are not a problem anymore.”
Adam closed his eyes, and the effort to keep calm consumed his whole being. Had Emil’s grandmother taught him the things he’d… probably done to Adam? Was this how it all started?
“No, it’s all fine, Mom. Everyone is very nice.”
“Just stay indoors tonight, okay? Forefathers’ Eve is— You know what I mean.”
No, he didn’t. His mom was religious, not superstitious.
“You mean the Forefathers’ Eve when ghosts of sinners walk the earth and when the living can help them get to heaven? Like in that drama we read in school? It’s based on folklore. You can’t believe any of that,” he said, wishing he could just cut the conversation short.
“Not exactly, but why tempt fate, right?”
Adam massaged his forehead. “Yes. Right,” he said only to appease her. “I’ll stay indoors. Thanks for calling. I’ll be in touch next week.”
They exchanged a few more words, but he was glad to put down the phone. Mrs. Janina entered before he could have recuperated. And her gaze told him from the get-go that she’d eavesdropped.
“I didn’t want to be nosy, but I might have overheard you talking about Forefathers’ Eve,” she said and placed a tray with warm cookies and tea on the table in front of Adam.
He was too tired to brush her off efficiently enough and shrugged. “She mentioned it.”
“Is something troubling you? I have a grandson only slightly younger than you. You can talk to me.”
Adam’s gaze settled on the stack of cookies, which at this point didn’t even seem appetizing. What was the point of eating something delicious when nothing could bring him any joy right now?