I open my eyes and find myself at the dresser. Staring at his gun. I saw him leave it here earlier. I don’t know why I’ve walked here. I didn’t want to. But maybe I did? I’m so confused. So terrified. But I slowly raise my hand and let my fingers wrap around the metal. My head whips around as I hear Kane move against the sheets. I wait a long while, watching him, anticipating that he’ll wake. He moves to lie on his back, but other than that, he’s still. I watch his chest as I lift the gun, bracing the butt of it and holding it steady as I walk back to the bed.
I look back at Kane with the cold gun in my hand and my finger on the trigger. His broad chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm. He’s at peace. I study his face. His hard jaw is covered in stubble. His plump lips are slightly parted. My heart pangs in my chest. I feel a pull to him, a desire to be at his side. I must be fucked up from everything that’s happened. It’s not right to feel this way, to want to be with someone whose purpose is to torment me. Someone who's only going to ship me off to someone new. Or worse, give me back to them.
I swallow the lump growing in my throat and lift the gun. My finger barely reaches the trigger. I have to steady the cold metal with both of my hands. I look past it at Kane’s sleeping form and breathe in and out. Time passes as I stand there, trying to pull the trigger. Trying to set myself free.
I can’t. I can’t do it. I won’t hurt him when he hasn’t hurt me. I can’t bring myself to run from him either. I need to stay. My resolve hardens. I can’t run now. I need to stay and face him. Otherwise I’ll never be able to stop running. I’ll never be able to rest until I watch him die. I drop the gun and breathe in deep.
I won’t leave Kane. Even if he’s one of them. Even if he can’t save me. I’ll save myself. But I won’t be able to do that by running.
I return the gun to the dresser, then I walk back silently to the bed and carefully lie just as I was. The bed dips slightly and I make my movements slower. I ease my way back down, right where I was earlier and breathe a little easier once my body has settled back onto the bed.
My breath stops short with panic when Kane moves next to me.
“You made the right decision, Ava.” My body stiffens and my eyes pop open. My breath stills in my lungs. “I thought you’d be alright without the cuffs at night.” The bed dips as he leans over my body. The intensity of his large frame hovering over my small body makes a knot form in my throat.
“I’m sorry, Kane.” I’m barely able to speak. Fear paralyzes my body. I’m not okay. I wasn’t good. I’m not okay. He takes my wrist in his hand and I let him. My body is weakened and I know I need to obey. I need to be a good girl. I shouldn’t have done that.
“I understand.” He clicks a cuff shut around the bedpost and then the other around my wrist and runs his hand along my arm and down my body. “But you must know that I have to do this now.” His breath tickles my ear and sends a chill down my body as he speaks. “I didn’t want to.”
I nod my head slowly, hating what I’ve done. I’ve caused myself pain. I ruined it. I’ve upset him. I’ve disobeyed him. My body trembles knowing what’s coming. I swallow the lump growing in my throat and say, “I’m sorry, sir.” I choke out the words. He was going to let me sleep, and I destroyed that.
My body jumps at his hard response. “Don’t call me that.” He’s angry, and I need to make this right.
“I--” I try to speak, but my throat closes and I struggle to respond.
“Shh. Shh. I’m sorry.” He strokes my hair and pulls me close to his body, gentle enough that he doesn’t pull the cuff against my wrist too much. “It’s alright, Ava.”
“I’m sorry.” I heave a deep breath and push out my apology. “I’m so sorry, Kane.”
“It’s alright, Ava. I would have done it, too. It’s okay.” I shake my head, but he pushes me into his chest. My left arm twists slightly, nearly to the point of pain and makes me wince.
“Fuck,” he curses under his breath. “God damn it!” he yells, as he gets up and leans across my body. I hear him pick up the key and struggle with the lock.
He pulls the cuff apart and I slowly rest my arm down by my waist. I lie on my side, curled inward. I'm frightened and unsure of what he wants.
“I don’t know what to do with you, Ava.”
“I’m sorry, Kane.” I speak with my eyes closed and my chin tucked to my chest.
“I know why you’re fighting me, but please,” he holds me tighter to him, “please be a good girl for me. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t like this.”
“I’m sorry, Kane.”
“I don’t want you to be sorry.” He kisses my neck and sighs. “I’m sorry too, Ava.”
I cuddle into his chest. His arms wrap tighter around me. I’m so confused, but for the first time since all this happened, since I lost everyone I loved...for the first time I don’t feel alone. I close my eyes and lean into him as he kisses my forehead. I’ll be good for him. I can do that.
As my body calms and he continues to shush me, all I can think is that this isn’t going to last. I’ve behaved badly. Very badly. Yet he’s holding me and consoling me. I could’ve tried to kill him, but he’s not punishing me in the least. I nestle deeper into his chest and clench my fists into tight balls to keep from gripping onto him. I’m afraid to hope that he can hold me forever. But it’s too late.
I wish he would keep me. Maybe if I’m good for him, he will.
I take a ragged breath in as my body heats with anxiety.
“It’s alright. I’m not going to hurt you.” He kisses the top of my head. I believe him. I trust him. My lungs fill with the hot air between us.
It’s a mistake, but I can’t help but hope that he’ll save me. Even though he said he won’t. Some dark part of me wants me to believe that he will. So I close my eyes and I let that part consume me. It may be the last wish I ever have. But with everything in me, I pray that he’ll keep me.
Kane
I didn’t sleep. Not for one fucking minute. I couldn’t cuff her back to the bed, not with the way she is. But I sure as fuck wasn’t going to let my guard down. Even if the gun wasn't loaded, she had it pointed at me for a long fucking time. Part of me wanted her to run. I don’t know if Abram’s going to let me live when I reject his offer. If she had run, at least one of us would have gotten away.
But she didn’t try to run. Instead she decided she’d try to kill me. I’m not sure why she didn’t pull the trigger. But I’m sure as fuck happy that she didn’t. Not because I want to live. I was never in any real danger. Some twisted part of me wants her to want me. The fact that she thought about killing me is like a bullet to my chest.
I understand it. I’d do it too if I were in her position, but that doesn’t ease the pain. I take a look at her from the corner of my eye as we pull up to the red light.
She was surprised when I told her to sit in the front seat. I wish she’d fucking act normal. Her hands won’t stop shaking and I fucking hate it.