My gaze moves down to my belly, it’s flat, of course, but I swear it looks like it’s sticking out a little. I really need to figure out if this is happening or not. It’s either that or drive myself crazy stressing about it. But I’m scared, because if it’s true what will that mean? What will it mean to Jordan? I know he loves me but that doesn’t mean he’s ready for this. We are both young, trying to figure out life. And if this bullshit with Felicia gets him expelled, then what? His life would be in shambles, everything he’s worked for… gone. What if he wants me to get an abortion?
I lock eyes with my reflection, trying to summon the courage I’ll need to get through this. Taking a deep breath, I nod slowly, giving myself a pep talk.
“It’s time to dig in,” I say before turning to step in the shower.
The sound of muffled screaming reaches my ears over the running water. I’m still covered in soap as I fling open the shower door and grab my towel. Water drips from my feet, leaving a trail on the wooden floor as I rush through my bedroom and into the hall.
“Mom?” I yell. Her voice is clearer now, but she’s further away than I thought. Loud wails echo from below and my heart races as I grip my towel around me and run down the stairs.
“Where are you?”
She cries loudly. I can hear her mumbling something, but I’m too far away to make out any words.
I nearly trip over Casper as I dart through the living room toward the sound of her voice. It’s coming from the kitchen. At first, I only see her feet, dirt caked on them as she sits on the floor.
A trail of dirt makes a path from the open side door to where my mother lies on the floor. She screams hysterically as she clutches a small pink blanket, fresh soil caked on her hands.
“My baby,” she screams. My heart races as I drop to my knees in front of her. She cradles the fabric against her face. Her eyes are squeezed closed and even as I call to her she doesn’t seem to hear me. She’s filthy, covered in dirt, mumbling incoherently as she cries. I rub her legs, brushing the dirt from her face as I try my best to soothe her. She never opens her eyes. She only rocks as she holds the blanket, screaming. I slide around her, wrapping my arms over her chest as I speak to her softly. I tremble as tears pour from my face and drip into her hair.
This isn’t working and I begin to panic as I notice her breathing start to change. She’s starting to hyperventilate and I know that if I don’t get her inhaler, this could take a turn for the worse. I tell her I’ll be right back as I crawl to my feet and run upstairs. I stop in my room to grab my phone then I scurry down the hall toward her door. It’s unlocked and I push into the room quickly, dashing around the bed toward her dresser where she usually keeps her meds. Her inhaler is sitting where it always is, on a small plate that holds her jewelry. Gripping it between my fingers, I turn back to the door, and that’s when I see it. Baby pictures cover every inch of her bed and nightstand. But this baby is not me. The child looks to be a newborn in some pictures and maybe a few months older in the others. Some are with my parents, some are the child alone.
Shock rolls through me as I freeze in place, taking it all in. Who is this? I gaze around the room until I’m reminded of the inhaler that I have clutched in my hand. I need to get moving. Running from the room, I pull my towel tightly around me as I hold my phone in one hand and her inhaler in the other. She’s laying on the floor in a fetal position when I make it back to her.
“Mom,” I call, wiping my face free of tears. Her chest moves at a rapid pace as she stares at me with panic in her eyes. Pressing the inhaler to her lips I pump it a few times as she breathes it in, tears run down her face.
“Slow and steady.” My voice trembles as I push her hair back from her eyes. I grab my phone from the floor and place a call to the paramedics while trying to text my father at the same time.
Dad. Come home now!!
22
JORDAN
My steps are slow and heavy as I walk down the hall toward Satchi’s office. I lay awake all night thinking about how it felt being back at that hospital.
It was the smell that set me off. When I saw the ambulance take Kenzie away, I was full of adrenaline. I didn’t pay attention to which hospital we were going to. I didn’t even think about it, I was so concerned about Kenzie. Once we got there, we parked quickly and jumped out of the cars, running to the entrance of the emergency room. It took about thirty seconds before the reality of where I was sank in. The prickling smell of alcohol, sterilizers, and pungent saline solution. The beeping of the blood pressure machines. It all took me back. It was like I fell into a fog. Everyone moved around quickly as King explained to the receptionist why we were there.
People flooded the waiting room and I stood there watching as everyone moved in different directions. I couldn’t think, couldn’t see, I just kept hearing my mother's voice.
I love you.
It was the last thing she said to me before she fell unconscious. She had been on a ventilator and had been communicating with us through writing. When we were told she didn’t have much time left, she insisted it be removed so she could speak to us one final time. My father and I knelt at her bed as she weakly lifted her hand, placing it on my face.
“I love you, Jordan.” Her voice was broken and dry as she whispered, but I saw the love in her eyes. She was my mother and she was dying.
The halls are bustling with students and I keep my focus on the door ahead, not really looking at anyone. Just as I’m about to grab the knob Satchi opens the door. I stop and study his face.
Heaviness weighs in my chest as I meet his gaze. “You know I didn’t do this,” I say, blocking his exit. “It’s that bitch,” I say. I know I’m not being professional but I can barely think straight, much less remember to use a filter.
Satchi shakes his head. “The student will be in the meeting as well. Let’s go, we're running late.”
I follow Satchi a few steps down the hall before he enters a large conference room. Two faculty members I’ve never seen before sit across the table from Felicia, who purses her lips at me with a hard stare when I enter the room. I glare at her as I take a seat at the end of the table. Satchi sits on the other side.
“Thank you for coming, Mr. Black,” the admin says. “I’m Thomas Thorne and it’s with a heavy heart that we had to call this meeting at all.”
“It’s all bullshit,” I say, trying to remind myself to calm down. Thomas glances at us all before dropping his gaze to the small stack of papers that sits in front of him. He’s wearing a blue suit with a white button-up shirt, which looks uncomfortably tight around his neck. The urge to jump up from the table and tell Felicia exactly what I think of her is unbearable. She’s always been selfish, it’s true, and maybe this is my own fault for dealing with her as long as I have. But even though I knew she was a bitch, I never thought she would stoop so low.
“Let’s get started, shall we?” the admin says. Adjusting his tie, Satchi locks eyes with me, giving me a small nod before I glance away. I can’t stop staring at Felicia, no matter how hard I try, but I know that sitting across the table looking as if I’m about to explode doesn’t exactly prove to them that I am of stable mind. She sits with her hands folded neatly in front of her, like a model student… and everyone around her seems to be falling for her bullshit.