‘Yes please,’ I called. ‘Five more minutes.’
Sam’s laughter rang through the door. ‘If I had a penny for every time you’d said that!’ Thoughts of winter mornings wrapped in duvets floated through my mind, soon to be followed by sweaty evenings, bodies pressed together, trying to keep quiet. I erased the thought, applying a quick dash of concealer, a lick of mascara, a crumpled pink blouse and my over-worn jeans.
Opening the door, Sam filled the space between the box room and the landing, one hand leaning on the door frame, the other clutching his gym bag. Did he have to be so fit? His gaze went from my blouse up to meet my eyes.
‘An old favourite.’ His smile was fleeting and flirtatious. Moving out of the way, I walked with purpose to the car. I was too nervous about the apartment to think about much else. I wanted to get it, to turn my lie into the truth before I got found out. Opening the door, I found Joshua, already in the back seat.
‘Sam’s giving me a lift.’ He smiled, indicating the angry-looking sky and rolling his eyes. I could see that, but for some reason him being here made me all the more on edge. ‘Forecast for thunder.’ I could see that too. Why couldn’t he see that three was always a crowd? Hopping into the passenger seat, I played with my hair, Sam sending a glance my way as he took the wheel.
‘How you going, Jess?’ Joshua’s thick accent rang out from the back seat as Sam started to speak in unison, their sentences lacing together.
‘Almost a week at CreateSpace done,’ Sam said over Joshua’s question, though he continued to keep his eyes on the road. I glanced at Joshua, who grinned, conceding to Sam.
I turned back to Sam, his profile a little darker, his facial hair a little thicker. It suited him. ‘Ready for another fresh start the week after next?’ He took his eyes from the road for a moment to offer me a little smile. I felt Joshua’s gaze from behind me. I wanted nothing more, nothing more than a fresh start, to go back and do it all over again. ‘Back into the editing game?’ Like I was ever in it. I didn’t even make the qualifying round. Not that I was going to tell Sam, Joshua, Tim or anyone else this side of the equator that.
‘Actually,’ I began nervously, aware that Joshua’s bullshit radar was unnervingly on point. ‘I’m going to spend a bit more time at CreateSpace. Tim really needs me for the exhibition—’ I was brought to a halt as my phone came to life in my pocket. I looked down at the screen: MIMI APARTMENT. This was it. My eyes darted to Sam; he’d already seen the caller ID. Shit.
‘Hi, Mimi,’ I answered, a slight break in my voice as I caught Joshua looking at me inquisitively in the rear-view mirror. Without moving the phone from my ear, I felt for its buttons and turned the volume down, my free hand reaching to grab a chunk of hair and twirl it around my fingers.
‘Hi, Jess.’ Mimi mirrored my tone as I took a sharp intake of breath. Sam shuffled beside me, reaching to turn the radio down a little further. Both boys had their eyes fixed on me, their ears pricked for what I might say next. Why did that never happen when I wanted it to? Breathing deeply, I braced myself for Mimi’s next words. ‘I’m afraid the owner decided to go with the other couple. They’re local and, you know, planning to stick around for a bit longer.’ That stupid temporary forehead-sign. ‘I hope that’s not too disappointing,’ she apologised, the hint of sincerity in her voice causing an unexpected lump to rise in my throat.
‘No, that’s okay,’ I replied, as chipper as I could, Sam and Joshua both absorbing my every word. I couldn’t look too disappointed, or they’d know something was wrong. ‘Thanks for calling.’ I hung up the line, returning my phone to my empty pocket, my deposit now waiting in an envelope back at Sam’s. It’d have to wait for a little longer.
‘Everything okay with the apartment?’ Sam asked, his forehead crinkling in concern.
‘Yeah, fine,’ I lied. He didn’t need to know. It wasn’t his problem. I wasn’t his problem. In the rear-view mirror, I could see Joshua fiddle with his fingers, awkward all of a sudden, as Sam pulled to a halt a few streets away from CreateSpace. Joshua pushed the door open and got out as Sam signalled to me to hang back.
‘Have a good morning buddy,’ Sam sang out of my open window towards him.
‘Oh, okay.’ Joshua looked back at me, still sitting in the passenger seat. I was pretty sure we were meant to be walking the same way. ‘Thanks for the lift, dude.’ Sam and I watched Joshua’s figure fade into the distance, the air between us feeling close.
‘Jess.’ He turned to me, his voice laced with sincerity. ‘How long have we known each other?’ A kind smile reached his eyes as my heart hammered in my chest. ‘I know when you’re not telling the truth.’
I pursed my lips, trying not to react, waiting for what he might say next.
‘You’re all good for moving in this weekend, right?’
Thank God he wasn’t as good a truth-teller as he thought he was.
‘Right.’ I nodded, reaching for the door handle and pushing it open. Sam’s hand reached out, stopping me. I turned back to look at him, trying hard not to cry. I wanted to sort so much out, all of it – but every time I tried to move on…
I looked down at Sam’s hand, now holding my hand in his.
‘Jess,’ he repeated, quieter now. ‘If you need to stay a little longer, that’s absolutely fine. We’ve loved having you.’ We both knew the ‘we’ was a stretch.
‘No, it’s fine,’ I assured him, wriggling my hand free to push open the car door again. ‘Seriously, Sam. Come Sunday night, I’ll be out of your hair. You’ve got a wedding to plan!’ I feigned enthusiasm as Sam looked confused, struggling to do the same.
Chapter 21
8 August 2020 – Sydney, Australia
Saturday morning and it was still bloody raining. Yesterday at CreateSpace had been nonstop, helping to fit the exhibition, calling in favours, contacting the media, soothing the creatives who were acting like children. I had used my brain more times in one week than I had in the past few years combined. I was exhausted. I hadn’t even had a moment to stop and think about my next move. I had every reason to stay in bed. But I had just one reason to get up. Sam was giving me a surfing lesson today; the thought sent waves through my stomach.
Apart from our brunch and trips to and from work, we hadn’t had a second just the two of us. Jamie was there all the time. Even when Sam wasn’t. Clearly, she had no idea that we had ever been more than friends. She was still trying too hard to be mine. Either that or her passive aggression had shot into overdrive. I didn’t know how many excuses one could give for not going on a jog, but I was surely in the running for gold. After Jamie had finally cornered me for ‘girl talk’, I had avoided the living room like the plague. It wasn’t like when she asked me what my ‘type’ was I could have said ‘your fiancé’. And it wasn’t like when she told me her type was ‘indie band boys’, I could have quipped ‘so nothing like your fiancé then?’
But now Saturday was here. Saturday, when Sam and I could finally spend some time alone, together. He’d looked so worried about me since our last conversation about the apartment, at least now I had the chance to show him I was more than okay, to remind him that he was more than okay just as himself, not as the perfect partner Jamie was forcing him to be. Slinking out of bed, trying hard to forget how hospitable she had been, I walked across to stand in front of the mirror. It had been raining for most of the week, but I could have sworn I was getting more tanned – though I’d always been one for wishful thinking. I smoothed down my hair and carefully applied the super waterproof mascara I had bought the day before – turned out Woolies was good for some things. Rummaging in my rucksack, I fished out my bikini for the first time since I’d arrived. Putting it on, I stood back to study my reflection. Every single inch of me was larger than Jamie. Two specific parts included; that had to count for something, right? Throwing on a T-shirt dress and hoodie, I headed out of the bedroom. No one was around, so I guessed Jamie was out and Sam must be meeting me there. He’d given me the time, the location and, thankfully, it was only a stone’s throw away – well, one of Sam’s stone throws, not mine. Locking the front door behind me, I walked down Oberon and onto Arden Street, taking in the views across the rolling beach and out to the endless ocean. The waves were high, crashing down on the dusk-damp sand. I would have felt scared had I not known Sam would be with me; reading the ocean was second nature to him. As I descended the hill and the gradient softened, I squinted to see if I could spot him. I sat down on the Coogee Beach steps and waited, watching permanently tanned locals pass by. I longed to be one of them. The rain had subsided into a drizzle, but still I wrapped my hoodie further around me in vain; I was about to get a lot wetter than this. Staring straight out into the angry-looking ocean, the waves in my stomach began to rise. I had to go in there. It’d better be worth it.