‘Not the only thing that happened in that pool.’ I grinned, my eyebrows raising as Sam shiftily glanced at his fiancée. Jamie was fully occupied, laughing and joking with Joshua but I saw Joshua send a brief glance in my direction. Sam looked at me, a question glimmering in his eyes. I’d have loved to know what was going on in his head. He lowered his voice a little as he said, ‘Now that image really will stay with me for a long time.’ I looked at Sam, his face bashful yet cheeky; there he was. My Sam. I looked back at Jamie and Joshua, happily chatting away about youth group and the restaurants and shops they knew so well. Joshua was the perfect distraction, his black band shirt complementing Jamie’s jumpsuit. They even looked great together.
This was perfect; why couldn’t things just stay this way?
‘Stay a little longer, Jess.’ Sam’s voice was low as Jamie and Joshua continued to chatter.
‘What?’ I looked up from my plate, confused.
‘That call, the apartment.’ He took another sip of wine, shaking his head. ‘I know when you’re lying, Jess,’ he said, not a speck of doubt darting through his words. Did he? ‘If Joshua wasn’t there in the car, if we’d had longer just the two of us, you would have told me, right?’ He cast a look to him and Jamie. If Jamie wasn’t here, he would tell me stuff too. ‘The renovations aren’t done yet are they?’
‘No,’ I admitted. That part was true at least.
‘Then stay a little longer,’ he offered, unsure why I seemed reluctant. Part of me was unsure why he wasn’t more reluctant.
‘You’ve already had to sleep on that sofa for a week.’ I shook my head. The fact that Sam so wanted me to stay was quickly making me forget all my reasons for leaving.
‘Don’t you know how freaking comfy that couch is?’ He laughed. I couldn’t imagine it was comfier than a bed. I placed my knife and fork down together in something like surrender.
‘We should do this again.’ Jamie stood up, beginning to gather our empty plates together. She looked down at me and smiled as Joshua began to clear the condiments off the table.
‘Absolutely!’ Joshua said, moving across to stand behind her at the sink, wrapping his arms around her waist. I glanced at Sam. What were they doing? I guess this was what I had hoped would happen but not in broad daylight, not in front of Sam. Now that it was, I almost felt sorry for him. Was that why he wanted me to stay: to make her jealous? My eyes flitted between Jamie and Sam, trying and failing to work out their ever-changing dynamic. Jamie turned around to look up at her boy-band counterpart, their faces inches away from each other.
I held my breath.
‘Always lovely to spend time with my little sis,’ Joshua said, giving her another squeeze.
Sister. Of course she was his sister. He loved her. They couldn’t be closer. And here I was, trying to use him as a bloody distraction so I could remind her fiancé of what he was really missing. I guess they’d just assumed Sam had told me and let it fall through the cracks; just like me. Rock bottom was becoming a second home to me.
Zoe was right; this situation was stupid. I had to get out of here. I had to get a new place, move away from him, start again – again. Do it properly this time.
‘I’ve missed this,’ Sam said, leaning across the table and drawing my attention back to him. He lifted a hand to rub his chin. ‘I haven’t thought about that holiday in years. It feels like just yesterday, eh?’ It always had to me. Joshua and Jamie had let go of each other and were now doing the washing up, the sound of pots, pans and chatter giving Sam and I yet another moment to ourselves.
‘Just seeing you reminds me of it all.’ Sam smiled broadly, reaching a hand across the table to rest on mine. ‘So you’ll stay until your apartment’s sorted?’
I looked at Jamie and Joshua and again at Sam, savouring the feeling of his skin on my skin and his eyes on mine. Maybe I could stay just a little longer.
11 July 2016 – Nottingham, England
‘I can’t wait forever,’ I heard Zoe shout from outside the changing room door. I swung it open and stood unceremoniously in what could only be described as a long top.
‘Jess, you look amazing,’ she squeaked.
‘I look like a call girl,’ I objected.
‘No.’ Zoe shook her head in a way I had grown accustomed to over the past four years. ‘You look like an escort – two very different things.’
Not a lot had changed over our time at university but somehow going from call girl to escort felt like a graduation. Thankfully that wasn’t the only graduation imminent, but I sure as hell couldn’t receive my BA Hons wearing this.
‘Well at least buy it for Malta,’ Zoe insisted. She looked stunning in the short rainbow dress she was trying on.
‘You know I can’t come to Malta,’ I said and her smile vanished. ‘I’ve promised I’ll go to Cyprus after Sam’s graduation; I just can’t afford both. Don’t worry, you guys will have fun without me.’
‘I’m not worried about that.’
Ouch. Thanks, Zo.
‘Then what are you worried about?’ I didn’t mean to snap.
‘I’m worried that you’ll regret missing out,’ Zoe began with trepidation. It sounded like the start of a conversation far too serious for someone wearing a dress that short.
‘Cyprus will be worth the wait,’ I deflected confidently, turning back towards the mirror. Zoe came to stand behind my right shoulder.
‘Maybe.’ She hesitated. ‘But what if Sam’s not?’ she asked in a voice far quieter than normal, placing her hand on my upper arm. I turned to face her, shrugging it off, defences now fully engaged.
‘What do you mean?’ I lowered my own voice, not wanting us to be the kind of young women who argued in public, especially ones wearing dresses only just covering their underwear.
‘I don’t know,’ she began, although it was clear she did. ‘It’s just, a year is a long time. A lot can change. He could change. You could change,’ she mused.
‘Things won’t change,’ I snapped a little too quickly, the edge of my words cutting the air.
‘I know but,’ Zoe began again. ‘It’s just —’
‘It’s just what, Zoe?’ I asked, her nervous energy rubbing off on my own.
‘It’s just, I’ve seen you sacrifice quite a lot for him over the last few years. Nights out, art stuff… I just don’t want you to regret any of that in the future.’ She gazed at me, her usually effervescent face serious.
‘Oh, Zoe.’ She didn’t understand. She couldn’t. She hadn’t had a relationship like ours; she didn’t know what it was like to be in something long-term. She didn’t even want to be. I smiled at her. ‘Sam is my future.’
Part II
Chapter 23
4 September 2020 – Sydney, Australia
‘For the love of God, Jess, please tell me that’s not Sam’s stupid surfboard behind you?’ Even Zoe’s scowl transmitted through Skype. I turned to look at the mounted board and then back to the screen perched precariously on the bed, close to the edge.