I hoped he’d sensed my need to talk about it. I hoped he wanted to talk about it too.
“Don’t think about it. It was a tragic accident,” he said.
“I—”
His frown quickly snapped into a smile. “I’ve missed you. I never stopped thinking about you.”
I flushed. “I thought about you too.” I thought about so much.
“Yo-Yo, I want to start new. As adults. We have a wonderful history together, and that’s part of why I feel so at ease with you.”
I smiled. I had thought I’d feel at ease with him, but I hadn’t felt relaxed since we’d left.
“I want to be with you. We should give us another shot,” he said abruptly.
“Oh.” Shouldn’t this be just what I wanted to hear? A cloud hung over my head from my complicated feelings for Devlin.
“I don’t want to rush anything. Only if you’re ready. I know we were away from each other for a long time. I’d like you to take your time and get to know me again.”
“That sounds nice,” I said. “Getting to know each other now.”
“But the notes. The time at camp. You need to move on. I worry about you.”
“Your notes saved me.” If he could just understand what the notes meant for me, maybe he’d be open to talking more about everything. I didn’t want him to regret sending them.
“I was just a kid back then. I’m a little embarrassed about it.”
Was it possible that I did give the notes too much power? I was an adult who cherished a shoebox of old scribblings. It had never felt childish to me though. This wasn’t the time to breech this topic. I had too much on my mind.
“You’re right. Let’s start over,” I said. “I’ve been distracted.”
“Devlin asks too much of this symphony. I mean, God, it’s the SOOK, not New York or London.”
I took a sip of water as I felt myself bristle.
Was I self-sabotaging? Pushing Roddy away because of my confused attraction for Devlin? A man, who, by the way, had not shown any returned interest but that I continued to fawn over like a helpless teenager. Was a school-girl obsession swaying my thoughts?
I wasn’t being fair to Roddy. I was in a funk, but it wasn’t his fault. He was genuinely trying. Maybe I was over-thinking an opportunity at a renewed relationship with an old friend.
“I think I could make you happy. You don’t have to do anything.” He put his hands on the table between us and gestured for me to take them. They were soft and warm. He offered so much simple security. He had always cared about me. I needed to remember that.
“You’re a good friend.” I smiled at him.
His smile faltered for a flash. “There’s no rush. Just trust that I want what’s best for you.”
I nodded. “I trust you.”
As he spoke the intense pressure that had been building all day began to melt away. There were no choices to be made. It had always been Roddy. He was back in my life for a reason.
“I see such big things for you. You’re so beautiful and talented. I’m so incredibly proud to know you.”
I flushed. “Thank you.”
Roddy was safety. Devlin stirred up dark part of my soul and had me questioning myself. I couldn’t trust my own judgment around Devlin and facts were facts. Roddy was here. Roddy straight up told me he wanted what’s best for me.
“I just worry about the pressure Devlin is putting on you,” he said. I must have had my thoughts clearly written all over my face. “Just because you inspire him, doesn’t mean his work should come at cost to you.”
“He thinks I’m talented.”
“Of course you are. I have no doubt of that. You could do anything. That’s one of the things I have always appreciated about you. I just want to make sure that working with him is what you want. That you weren’t pressured into it. He may see you as a muse, but I know you’re more than that.”
“I don’t think I’m his muse.” But hadn’t Devlin confessed something similar? Hadn’t he said that he needed me to help him finish his composition?
“The fact is you’re beautiful. I’m not saying there’s any reason other than your talent, but there’s talk around the SOOK, I’m sorry to say. People are questioning why he chose you for the solo. Obviously, I’ve told them it’s because you’re the most gifted.”
“No, I’m not—”
“But there is talk, you know. Because he’s a conductor. He wants you for something more.”
“It’s not like that.” I hated that we were even having this discussion. It was making me angry for reasons I couldn’t define in that moment. Something I would have to unpack later. I should be flattered, right? People thought I was beautiful. But it didn’t feel like flattery.
I pushed the thoughts away.
“Let’s not talk about work anymore,” I said.
“Good idea. Let’s have some wine to toast our new venture.” He poured from a bottle he got for the table. I hadn’t had any.
“What new venture?” I wouldn’t drink, but I took the glass to not push the issue.
“You’re amazing, Yo-Yo, and more important than that, you’re gorgeous. I’m going to represent you.”
“Represent me?” I managed to ask as I gripped the chair to keep from spinning.
“Yes. You need to go solo. You’re bigger than this place.”
“How so?”
“Touring. Albums. You have the look. You’re sort of ethnically ambiguous but still gorgeous. You’ll be huge. Just imagine being on stage.” He held up his thumb and pointer finger from both hands to create a box around me he looked through. “Your hair down would be amazing—maybe streaks of wild colors, add some curl and volume. Your clothes could be updated, maybe some short skirts, hate to say it, but that’s what sells. You could even get one of those chic electric cellos. I have ideas.”
“Wow. Yes, you do.”
I blinked and the world spun. I couldn’t wear a skirt with a cello. I literally spread my legs and straddled wood. I didn’t like the sound of an electric cello, not for my style. And I couldn’t play with my hair down; it gets caught in the fingerboard and tugs.
He’d clearly put thought into this and he was so excited, but this was all a lot and very fast. Why was it so easy for me to share my feelings with Devlin, while I worried about offending Roddy? “Maybe we can talk about it more later?” I settled on. Maybe I could talk things through with the SWS.
“Let me tell you what I’m thinking for your solo tour.” He pulled out his phone and pulled up a map to show me.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for a tour.”
“When you’re ready. But I’ve already talked to several concert hall managers. My parents have big connections, you know. I say we start there. Stops all around the southeast. Then we start promoting you on social media as we go. You could be huge on YouTube and Instagram. Really sell your image.”
“Wow. This is a lot. I need to think about it,” I said firmly.
“Of course, of course.” He put his phone back in his pocket. “I will take care of you, Yo-Yo, forever. Let me take care of everything.”