Josie leans against the dryer, folds her arms over her chest, and waits.
I pace up and down a blue rug running through the center of the room. I clear my throat, wishing we’d stopped to refill our drinks. “It’s surprisingly complicated,” I begin. “I mean. It’s not as complicated as nuclear physics, but—”
“Mai.” Her voice cuts through my nerves. “What’s going on?”
I exhale and stop moving. “Things sort of started up again. With Anthony.” Her eyes widen, and I rush on. “But then they ended again. So really, it’s like nothing ever happened.”
Concern radiates from every line of her frown. “Except that you can’t take your eyes off him.”
“It was her I was watching. Delia.” I start pacing again. “I was wondering if it would feel better to yank her hair or punch her boob.”
“Mai! You are not a violent person.”
“I know. It’s Anthony’s fault. He makes me feel…things,” I finish helplessly.
I’m expecting surprise, but instead Josie nods. “He always has, hasn’t he?” Before the truth of that has fully sunk in, she says, “Stop pacing and start from the beginning.”
So I lean against the washing machine and tell Josie everything. Graduation night and the kiss. Him showing up at the trail project. The equipment shed.
“He’s volunteering on the same crew and you didn’t tell me?”
“Secrecy vow. I hated it. Believe me.” My heart is in my eyes. “I wanted to tell you so many times.”
“He made you promise not to tell?”
“No. It was my idea. I didn’t want my parents to know.”
Her eyes shine with hurt. “But I’m your bestie.”
“You are. But if I told you, he would have told Coop and Tucker. And mostly,” I sigh, “I was embarrassed for flinging in the first place. You would have said I was being reckless—it’s what you said in March. And April.” I rub a hand over my face. “I knew you were right, but I really thought I could handle it. Control things with rules and a plan and then I’d get over Anthony once and for all.”
She groans. “I feel like I need popcorn and Junior Mints.” She jumps so she’s sitting on top of the dryer. “Tell me the rest.”
I take her up to the fight this morning and the end of our fling.
Her sandals clunk against the dryer door. “Isn’t that good?”
“Yes. Except.” I pause. I can barely meet her eyes. “I’ve liked flinging with him, Josie. It’s been fun. Like, best-time-ever fun. He makes me laugh, and we can talk about anything. It’s like being with you—except for the kissing, which we weren’t going to do but then we did. And he’s smart. It’s not the same kind of book-smart as me, but he knows so much I don’t. And he encourages me to do things. Try things.” I twist my fingers as the words continue to tumble from my mouth. “And he makes stuff. He’s artistic and I think talented if he would give himself a chance. And he’s taking his dad on a trip.”
“His dad?” She finally breaks in, stopping me mid-ramble. “I thought his dad died?”
“I know. That’s what’s so sweet about it.”
She grabs her head with both hands and squeezes. “I’m so confused, Mai.”
“Imagine how I feel!”
We both pause for more breaths. I know Josie is trying to make sense of it all. I hope she does and explains it to me.
“Okay,” she says. “Let’s move on for now. We’ll come back to his dead father.” She pauses, cocks her head in disbelief. “Do you like him? I mean, like him?”
The hot mess of emotion inside me starts swirling again. I feel like I’m holding onto a tornado by the tail and it’s slipping free. “I do.” My voice is small, but everything inside of me is a roar. “Everyone always has these expectations of me. What I should do and say and how I should act. Even you.” I catch the surprise on her face. “I get it. My crush was so out of character. I’ve always been focused and sensible. But I don’t have to be with Anthony.”
She looks stricken. “I’ve been a crap friend.”
“No, you haven’t.”
“Except I do have expectations for you. It’s why I didn’t think Anthony was right for you in the first place. You’re just so different. It’s why I told you to break it off with him.”
“I was going to have to break it off anyway. I still have plans he doesn’t want to be a part of.”
“Is that why you fought today?”
“Pretty much. The expectations haven’t gone away, and honestly, Josie, I don’t want them to. I want to be that person everyone is proud of.”
“But you also want to hang out with a guy you like and not have everyone judge you. Including your best friend.” She slides off the dryer, leans a shoulder into mine. “I’m sorry.”
I press my shoulder against hers. “I know you were trying to protect me. I know that’s what my family will say, too.”
“Do they know about him?”
“Not exactly.” I take a breath, realizing this is a long story, too. “He found out about the yearly fundraising dinner for Community Cares. He said I should invite him. But he thinks dressing up isn’t worth his time. He doesn’t want to fit in. He likes to flaunt the rules.” I pick at the tiny bow of my suit, straightening it carefully. “Even if he looked the part, he’s never going to fit their image of who I should date. They’ll judge Anthony. Then they’ll judge me.”
“They love you, Mai.”
“They love the girl I’ve always been. And that girl wouldn’t fall for a guy like Anthony. It’s not sensible. I’m a Senn, Josie. A Senn is always sensible.”
“You sound like Ethan,” she says.
“That’s a good thing. Ethan is doing amazing things.”
“You’ll do amazing things, too. It doesn’t mean you have to do them exactly the way he does.” She adds in a mutter, “With a stick up your butt.”
“Josie!” My voice is sharp, a defensive reflex. “He’s not that bad.”
She hesitates and then lets out a sigh. “The first time he spoke to me, he asked my opinion on manifest destiny.”
“What?” I blink at her, surprised. “You never told me that.”
“Because I would have had to say, ‘Mai, your brother is an ass.’ It wasn’t worth ruining our friendship.”