“For the record, you’re full of crap.” She raises her eyebrows. “You’re wearing the most beautiful dress. Your hair is so shiny even I want to touch it, and the last time I saw you look this miserable was the day of your SATs. You hadn’t slept for almost a week.”
My shoulders slump, and I realize my muscles are tired from trying to hold them up. “It’s only been five nights,” I mutter.
“You miss him, Mai. And, by the way, you’re doing it again.”
I drop the lipstick tube I didn’t even know I’d picked up. “Oh Lord. I am caressing it.” I spin to face her. “I did the right thing. The smart thing. So why does it feel like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life?”
She picks off a slice of pepperoni and chews it thoughtfully. “Not everything makes sense. Some of the best things in life don’t make sense.” She drops the half-eaten slice back in the box and wipes her fingers on an already crumpled napkin. “Consider pizza. It’s round, and it comes in a square box. And we cut it into triangles. Does that make sense?” She stands and joins me at my vanity. “Pizza also happens to be awesome.”
“So pizza is why Anthony and I should be together?”
“It makes as much sense as you wanting to be with someone just because they have the same major or choose the same college.”
I’ve spent all week building a protective wall around my heart. It seems to be made of clay, because it’s crumbling. “I miss him, Josie.”
“Yeah, I know.” She leans against my vanity, crosses her arms over her chest. “Does he know?”
“I haven’t talked to him since we broke it off on Sunday.” I lean beside her. “I texted him yesterday.”
“Yeah?”
“To wish him a safe trip. He didn’t reply.” I swallow, shame warring with misery. Misery wins out, and I tell Josie the rest. “I drove to his house last night.”
“You what?”
“I parked down the street. Walked over. The garage door was closed. The porch light was on, but I couldn’t tell if he was there or not. I don’t even know if he’s gone.”
There’s a hitch in Josie’s breath. The kind that a best friend recognizes as words being swallowed. “What? Tell me.”
She tilts her head, obviously still hesitant. I squeeze her arm. “Josie!”
“Garrett said there was a farewell party at the pool last night. Anthony’s planning to leave tonight after it cools down.”
My heart starts to pound. Tears gather. It’s after six o’clock. Outside, the shadows are lengthening. “So that’s that.”
“Mai.” Her voice is soft. Tentative. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes. I’m sure.” I swallow, a swirl of acid burning its way through my stomach. “I just feel bad that I didn’t stand up for him. And I’m sorry I ever called him lazy and unambitious. I judged him unfairly so many times. I want him to know that. And I want him to know that I’ve never wanted to run the bases with any other guy but him.” I look up and find Josie’s eyes a little shiny, too. My voice trembles as I say, “I want to tell him that when I say I like him, I might really mean that I love him.”
“Oh, Mai.” It’s Josie now with the lipstick in her hands, turning it over and over. “What about your parents?”
The knot in my stomach winds tighter.
My eyes stare back at me in the mirror. Brown, the curved shape a clue to an Asian background. Light brown skin that suggests a mix of races but not which ones. Black hair with hints of russet—even that a mix of unknowns.
I was an unknown until I became Maya Senn. I felt like Cinderella transported into a magical life. But in the fairy tales, no one ever asks Cinderella what life is like as a princess. Is she happy? Does she like being royalty? Because there are rules. Obligations.
Expectations.
Just the thought feels like a betrayal to my parents. How can I want more than what I have? How can I want something—someone—who will disappoint the people who gave me this life? Who gave me everything?
I’m so afraid to disappoint them. I’m so afraid of so many things. I never realized it until Anthony. With him, I’m brave. I try things. I take risks. I explore—not just the world, but myself. It’s not that I’m myself with him. It’s that I’m more parts of myself with him. I’m Maya Senn, valedictorian, Honor Society, child prodigy. I’m also Killer. The girl who said yes to pool chicken, and Reptile Houses, and tacos from a truck, and the idea that different paths can still lead to the place I want to go. In my heart, I know there isn’t anywhere I can’t go with him.
My gaze moves to the lipstick in Josie’s hands. Anthony’s lipstick. He is a blaze of color in my life. How can I go back to black and white?
“I know I should be sensible,” I say. “But how is it sensible to send away the person who makes me more myself?”
Josie shakes her head. “It isn’t.”
“How is it sensible to give up the person who makes me brave? Who sees more in me than even I did?” I pause as tears work their way down my cheeks.
She hands me the lipstick. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell me. Maybe you should tell him.”
I turn to the mirror and smooth on Brilliant Red. There I am. The Mai I am. The Mai I want to be.
Me-Mai.
I set the tube down and square my shoulders. “First, I need to tell someone else.”
Chapter Forty-One
Mai
My parents are in the living room. Mom is working on one of Dad’s cuff links. They look elegant—like royalty. The king and queen who made me a princess. And they’re good people, too. It would be easier if they weren’t. If I hadn’t grown up wanting to be just like them.
“Maya.” My dad catches sight of me and smiles. “Don’t you look lovely.”
I tug up the elbow-length black gloves—another Audrey Hepburn touch. “Thank you.”
Mom gives me a smile and goes back to the cuff link. “Ethan should be down in a minute. The car is already out front.” Every year, Dad hires a town car to drive us. That way we arrive in style, and my parents can drink champagne without worrying about the drive home.
“I spoke to Amber,” Dad says. “She told me what a pleasure it was to have you on the crew.” His smile fades. “She told us Anthony switched to another project. We, well…” He pauses.
Mom finishes attaching the onyx link and tugs Dad’s shirt so exactly two inches show beneath the coat sleeve. “We appreciate how you’ve responded to all this. We know we were hard on you Sunday. But it was out of concern. We’re proud of you for getting back on track.”