Oh Lord. I squeeze my eyes shut. “Don’t be proud of me. I mean…” I open my eyes and my mouth, fighting for the words I need to say. “Be proud of me but not for that. For being on a track.”
They’re staring at me now, confused.
My heart beats a sharp tattoo against my ribs. My hands twist, turning my gloves into a wrinkled mess. “I’ve been so afraid.”
“What do you mean?” Dad’s eyes are concerned. I want to memorize that look in case it’s the last time I see it.
“I was trying to catch up to you. I thought you’d gone ahead.”
For a second, they both look at me blankly. Mom is the first to figure it out. “You mean the day you got lost?”
“Ethan said I shouldn’t run off. But I wasn’t trying to do that. I was just looking for Dad.”
“We’ve been through this, Mai,” Dad says. “It was a misunderstanding. Mom thought you’d run up ahead to be with me. I thought you were back with Mom.”
“It took you so long to find me.”
“We had no idea where you’d gone. We ran up and down the trail dozens of times. We were as panicked as you were.”
The first tears spill over along with words I’ve never been able to say before. “But you weren’t. Were you?”
Mom and Dad exchange a look. Surprise? Guilt? It’s Mom who asks, “What are you saying, Mai?”
But I only have eyes for Dad. “I heard you. After you found me. You were carrying me down. You thought I was asleep. You said, ‘That ought to teach her a lesson.’”
“Mai!” Dad’s face pales.
I turn to Mom. “And then you said, ‘She’ll never run off again.’ And you were right. I never have.”
“Mai. Honey.” Mom reaches for me, but I hug my arms around my middle. “Those were just words. A way of finding a silver lining in a horrible situation. We would never have left you on purpose. How can you even think such a thing?”
“My birth mother left me. My father left me. Why wouldn’t you leave me, too? You could get another baby who wouldn’t run off.”
“Never.” Dad steps forward and wraps his arms around me. I didn’t realize how icy my skin was until I feel his warmth. “You’re ours, Maya.”
“What if I disappoint you?” I cry into his shoulder. “What if I’m not perfect?”
Mom moves to my other side, and she rubs the bare skin of my upper arm. “We love you. No matter what. We didn’t mean to suggest you had to be perfect. Mai, you should have told us how you were feeling.”
“I don’t think I really understood how much it’s all affected me until now.” I take a shuddering breath. “Until Anthony.”
Mom’s hand tenses. Dad is careful as he lets me go, but he still lets me go. “See?” I say. “I’m disappointing you and you’re pulling away.”
“We’re not,” Mom says. “Not in the way you mean. We can be disappointed and still love you the same.”
“I hope you mean that.”
“We do.”
“Because I’m going to disappoint you both. A lot. Right now.”
“You’re doing what?” Ethan steps into the room. His eyes widen when he sees my face. “What is it? What happened?”
I lick my lips, tasting my tears. “I’m not going to the dinner. I need to see Anthony.”
“WHAT?” Mom and Dad say in perfect harmony.
“Tonight?” Ethan adds.
“Now,” I say. My eyes plead with them to understand.
“Is he pressuring you?” Mom demands.
“No!” I say. “He won’t even answer my calls or texts. And he’s leaving town. Tonight. He might already be gone. I have to talk to him before he goes.”
“Mai, you haven’t thought this through,” Dad says. “You’re leaving in a few days yourself. Maybe Anthony isn’t responding for a reason. Maybe he’s doing this because he knows it’s best for you.”
“But it’s not what’s best. It’s your version of what’s best.”
Dad shakes his head. His jaw is set, and I know his mind is, too. “This is something we need to talk about. And we will. First thing tomorrow. But tonight, we are all going to the dinner.”
I start to tremble. It moves from my knees to my hands to my lips until I feel as weak as a leaf caught in the breeze. But I’m not weak. Anthony has shown me that. He’s helped me face the things I fear, and I can face this, too. I look around the room. At my family. The only family I’ve ever known. “I want to be a Senn. I want to be one of you. But I want to be myself, too. All parts of myself, even the parts you don’t understand.”
There’s a sudden loud knock on the door.
Mom checks her watch. “That’ll be the driver. We really need to go. All of us,” she adds, looking at me. “We love you, Mai. And we promise to hear you out tomorrow.”
“But you’re not hearing me now!” I pick up my purse. “I’m sorry. I have to do this. I love you all. But I love Anthony, too.”
The silence is deafening. My parents look stunned. When I think back on this, I have a feeling I’m going to be stunned, too. I’m not just wandering off the path—I’m rocketing off it.
Over a cliff.
Into an abyss.
I grab the car keys.
The only thing that scares me is that I might be too late.
They’re still staring as the door closes behind me.
Chapter Forty-Two
Mai
I break every speed limit. In the movies, it looks exhilarating. In real life, it’s frightening. I force myself to slow, but I’m going too fast down Anthony’s street, and the tires squeal as I turn sharply and bounce up his drive. His car is here.
His car is here!
And then Anthony is rushing out the garage door probably thinking an eighteen-wheeler wrecked on his drive with all the noise I made.
I step out of the car, breathing hard, as a woman follows Anthony out. His mom. She’s in a tank top and jeans, her hair in a ponytail. She looks really pretty. Except for the frown and the way she crosses her arms over her chest.
“That’s her, isn’t it?” she says.
Anthony nods, and my attention shifts back to him. I frown when I get a closer look. His pants are blue. Shiny, electric blue. Maybe it’s a camping thing. A dad thing. I realize I’m not the only one staring—he’s staring at me, too. I’m so nervous right now I don’t know if it’s a good staring or not. Self-consciously, I smooth a hand down my dress. I’m still wearing my gloves, too. I probably look like a stuck-up elitist pompous smarty-pants. Those are some good adjectives.