Now that he was bringing up the fact that I was clearly doing well here, it made me worry. Above all else, I didn’t want to lose Zev again. The thought that I might was terrifying.
Apparently, I must have been wearing my concern on my face because Zev called, “Tillie?”
I snapped out of it and replied, “Yeah?”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Nervously biting my lip, I nodded. “Thank you for believing in me,” I said.
Zev kept his eyes on me as he finished his slice. Then he set his empty plate down next to mine on the coffee table. After I’d gotten out of the shower, Zev helped me get the pictures organized into a couple of piles so we’d have room for the food.
He took a sip of his drink, set it down next to his plate, and took my hand in his. “Can you tell me what’s going on in your mind right now?”
I wasn’t sure I could. The problem wasn’t that I had an issue expressing it, though. Even though Zev and I had been best friends for years, talking about everything under the sun, he hadn’t ever held my hand and gazed into my eyes the way he was now.
Yes, gazed.
It was safe to say it was a good thing I was sitting down because it was throwing me a bit off balance.
Somehow, I managed to push past it and answered with a question. “Does it bother you that I moved here?” I asked him.
Zev seemed taken aback by the question. Apparently, he hadn’t been prepared for that. Following a few moments of silent deliberation, he responded, “I’m not sure how to answer that, Tillie. Does it bother me that you have a storefront now and are doing well for yourself? No. Absolutely not. I couldn’t be happier for you. Am I upset that I wasn’t here for you so that I could support you through it and celebrate the grand opening with you? Yes. But I can’t answer the question about whether it bothers me that you moved here.”
“Why not?” I wondered.
“Because I don’t know what your reason for it was,” he remarked. “I have ideas about what your reasons might have been, but I don’t want to make any assumptions.”
I closed my eyes because this wasn’t going to be easy. I genuinely believed that Zev felt remorseful for how he handled the situation with me following his brother’s funeral, and I knew that if I gave him the truth about my choice, he’d blame himself.
Even still, I couldn’t lie to him.
“There was nothing left for me in Saguaro,” I started. After a brief pause, taking the time to notice how my words struck him like a physical blow, I continued, “No, that’s not true. All that was left for me in Saguaro were the memories of better times. And it became too painful for me to cope with them on my own. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of my life before it all changed. With my parents so far away, Liam gone, and you out of my life, I couldn’t take it anymore. So, I decided I needed a fresh start.”
“Did it help you?” he asked.
“It’s not obvious?” I shot back. “I mean, you saw how well the store was doing. Things are going great for me.”
Zev shook his head, brought a hand to my cheek, and leaned toward me as his voice dipped low. “I’m not talking about it helping you on a professional level, Tillie. The answer to that is obvious. I’m talking about your heart. Did the move here help you heal your heart?”
I would have been lying if I said that it had. I shook my head and whispered my reply, “Not even close.”
Just as I had suspected, Zev felt nothing but defeat at my words. His eyes closed slowly and his shoulders fell. I watched as he took a few breaths like that before lifting his gaze to mine. Then he said, “The answer to your question is yes. Yes, it bothers me that you moved here. Because you did it to give yourself what you needed so you could find some peace and healing. You didn’t get that. And I know now that had I not pushed you away like I did, you’d still be back in Saguaro with me.”
I’d be back in Saguaro with him.
He was right.
I never would have made the move if things had gone differently between us. It was what it was now, but the reality of how we’d gotten here was painful for both of us to accept.
“So, what happens now?” I asked, unable to stand the constant question in the back of my mind.
“I don’t know, babe. I just know that I don’t want to live another day of my life without having you in it. I’ve never felt so empty before in my life. You filled me up in a way nobody else ever has or ever will,” he shared.
I loved that.
Loved it.
But it still didn’t give me the answers I’d been seeking. Were Zev and I just going to go back to being best friends? And if so, could I ignore the fact that I’d slept with my best friend, that it was the best night of my life, and that he wasn’t into me that same way?
I knew myself. I’d take Zev anyway I could have him.
But I wanted more than just his friendship.
I wanted his whole heart to be mine.
“Tillie?” he called.
“Hmm?” I responded.
“Say what’s on your mind,” he urged.
Without taking the time to think about it, I blurted, “Where do we stand?”
His hand was still on my cheek. At my words, his thumb stopped stroking the skin there. “Where do we stand?” he repeated.
I nodded and clarified, “Yes. Where do we stand? Are you planning to go back to being my best friend? Are we going to pretend it never happened? Or is there something else here?”
His face twisted. I was nervous about his response, so I added, “Before you answer, I need you to know that I’m not asking you for anything. I don’t have any expectations. But I need you to be clear about it with me so that I’m not left wondering.”
“What do you want it to be?” he asked.
“Zev, I don’t want to put any pressure on you to—”
That was all I got out before his fingers tightened around mine and he cut me off. His voice held an edge of determination when he semi-repeated his question. “What do you want, Tillie?”
I swallowed hard and admitted, “I want all of you.”
He moved closer and promised, “Then you’ll have all of me.”
Not a moment later, his mouth was on mine.
It was glorious. Everything I’d been wanting since the last time I kissed him.
Within seconds, I was moaning and my hands were everywhere. His were everywhere.
Eventually, Zev leaned his back against the armrest, taking me with him. His mouth never left mine. One of his hands that had been wrapped around my waist, holding me close to him, started traveling south. It dipped low, sliding over the curve of my ass, until it settled there.
Even through the fabric of my cotton shorts, I loved the feel of his hands on me again. Apparently, Zev liked it, too. I could feel the proof of that pressing into me. And feeling it, I began craving him with a need and desperation that was as crucial to my survival as the air in my lungs.
As his tongue continued to explore my mouth, Zev’s hand that had been on my ass came up and slipped under the waistband of my shorts and into my panties. When he squeezed my bottom, I moaned.
Unable to stand it any longer, I pulled my mouth from his and lifted myself a bit from his body. I wanted to explore him in a way I hadn’t had a chance to the first time we were together. Bunching Zev’s shirt up in my hands, he caught my drift and shifted so I could remove the shirt altogether. Of course, that meant his hand was no longer on my ass.