I was going to respect that.
So, right now, I was simply heading back to his hotel room after we’d spent some time out after the event celebrating with the crowd. Zev had a ton of supporters. He’d signed some autographs, took photos, and did a few interviews.
I didn’t mind waiting around.
This was why I was here.
To support him.
But he’d finally reached a point where he was ready to call it a night. It had been a long day for him. Heck, it had been a long day for me, and I wasn’t the one who had to do any of the skateboarding.
After he slid his card in the door and opened it, he ushered me in ahead of him. Once we were inside, I said, “I really wanted to take you out to celebrate your win tonight.”
He tossed his key card down on the table and replied, “I know. But I’ve been out with the crowd all day. I’m wiped out, so I’m completely fine with room service.”
“We could have at least gone to my room for it then,” I noted.
“Why? What’s the difference?” he wondered.
“Because then it would have gone on my card and not yours,” I explained.
He shook his head and rolled his eyes at me. “You’re crazy, Tillie. It’s room service. If it really means that much to you, you can take me out when we’re back in Saguaro.”
My eyes burned into his. “It really means that much to me,” I deadpanned.
Zev held my stare for a long while. He looked like he wanted to say something but managed to refrain. Instead, he dipped his chin and responded, “Okay. We’ll set something up when we get back.” A moment later, he jerked his chin in the opposite direction and urged, “Take a look in that book and decide what you want. I’m starving.”
I did as he asked, decided on what I wanted, and gave him the menu. He perused it for all of a minute before he made his selection. After he called in our order, he declared, “I’m going to hop in the shower real quick. Give me five.”
“Okay.”
Since Zev had gotten a suite, he had a bit more space in his room. He turned and walked out of the living area, made his way into the bedroom area and, subsequently, the bathroom.
I gave myself about a minute to just relax and wait there for him, but all I could think about was the fact that Zev was simply a room away from me completely naked in the shower.
What I wouldn’t have given to have the courage to barge in there and tell him how I felt.
Instead, and in an attempt to distract myself, I found the remote and turned on the television. That did the trick because before I could even find something worth watching, Zev had walked back into the room.
“Anything good on?” he asked as he sat down beside me.
I shook my head and held out the remote to him. “I haven’t found anything,” I mumbled.
Zev took the remote from me, began flipping through the channels himself, and asked, “So, did you honestly have a good time here today?”
“Of course, I did,” I started, turning my gaze to him. When he turned his attention to me, I continued, “It was a great event. And I love watching you skate. You know that.”
He gave me a sweet smile before he said, “You know I was serious before, right? It means everything that you’re willing to fly all the way out here just to see me skate, Tillie.”
I love you, I thought.
Instead of telling him that, I shrugged and said, “Well, I mean, you are buying me room service, too.”
Zev burst out laughing. His eyes were shining when he settled himself down. “I’ll have to remember that,” he stated.
I wanted that.
More than anything else, I wanted Zev’s laughter for the rest of my life.
And in a way, I guess I knew I’d always have it.
It’s just that I wanted to be able to experience seeing him laugh like that while he was holding me in his arms. I wanted him to have that bright, shining look in his eyes just moments before he kissed me.
And even though I’d already resolved not to drop any more hints about my willingness to have more between us, it didn’t change the fact that I still yearned for it. I might have told myself I was going to respect what he wanted, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
I knew I was going to love Zev for the rest of my life in a way I’d never be able to love another man.
Knowing I couldn’t sulk, I looked in his direction and beamed a bright smile at him. He returned the same.
And that’s what I’d always do. Because there was no way I’d risk losing Zev because I was greedy and wanted it all.
No matter how much I wanted more, it obviously wasn’t meant to be.
When there was a knock on the hotel room door ten minutes later, I pushed past my melancholy thoughts. The last thing I wanted was any tension between us.
So, when Zev returned with the cart carrying our food, I declared, “Now that’s what I’m talking about. There’s nothing like good, old room service to celebrate the world’s best skateboarder.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m the best in the world,” Zev argued.
I shrugged and stood up. As I lifted my plate from the cart, I murmured, “You’re the best in my world.”
Zev didn’t respond.
At least, not right away.
But five minutes into our meals as we sat watching television, he finally responded, “You’re the best in my world, too, Tillie.”
I turned my head in his direction.
He wasn’t looking at me. His eyes remained focused on the television screen.
And I had a feeling that was telling me more than those few words did. The problem was, I had no idea what it meant.
Tillie
Three Years Later
“I had a great time tonight. I’d love to see you again.”
This was the worst part.
It was always the worst.
I had to find a way to break it to the guy that it didn’t work for me.
I’d just been walked up the steps to my front door by my fifth date in the last two months. For whatever reason, I’d been trying harder lately to find someone.
But it was not working.
“I had a nice time, too,” I started. “I think you’re a great guy, but I don’t see this going anywhere beyond just friendship.”
I watched as the disappointment washed over his face. I felt bad. But I wasn’t going to settle, and I didn’t think it was fair to string a guy along for the sake of it. I truly believed everyone deserved to find that one person they were meant to be with for the rest of their lives. Knowing I didn’t feel a connection on that level to this guy, I believed the best thing I could do was let him down gently now so he could move on.
“Aw, man. Really?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry,” I apologized.
That’s when it hit him. I saw the light go off in his head moments before he shook it and insisted, “No, it’s okay. I guess I’ll let you go then.”
Awkward.
It was always so awkward.
“Sure. Thanks again.”
My date dipped his chin. “Goodnight, Tillie.”
“Goodnight.”
When he walked back down the steps, I turned and slipped my key into the door. Once I was inside, I let out a sigh of relief.