“Zev?” I called as I moved out of the booth to stand in front of him.
“It’s Liam,” he deadpanned.
Then, he tugged on my hand and led me out of the restaurant.
Dread.
That was all I felt.
That was all I saw.
We’d been sitting in the hospital waiting room for what felt like hours now.
Once we’d left the restaurant, I sat beside Zev in his truck as he drove us to the hospital. I didn’t speak. He didn’t speak.
I had a feeling we both knew that it was bad. Liam was a stuntman, and he’d been at a shoot this week. Something happened to him. Neither Zev nor I could bring ourselves to even talk about it.
Now, I was sitting beside my best friend while we waited with his parents for news about my other best friend. This was, by far, the worst moment of my life.
I kept my hand curled around Zev’s bicep, holding on because I needed it while hoping I was giving him some comfort.
As I sat there, I silently started making deals with God. I wasn’t necessarily a very religious person, but in that moment, I needed to do something. So, I prayed. I promised if Liam survived whatever had happened to him, I’d never complain again about being alone. I’d go on a thousand bad first dates just to know that he was okay.
I had no clue if that was a worthy or reasonable trade, but I was willing to try anything.
Suddenly, there was the distinct sound of cold metal doors opening. I looked up, saw the face of the doctor, and immediately knew.
My heart was in my stomach. A boulder was lodged in my throat. My fingers tightened on Zev’s arm.
When the doctor was standing in front of us, he said, “Mr. and Mrs. Petersen?”
They were already standing, but they couldn’t speak.
Zev stood and answered, “Yeah. And I’m Liam’s brother. How is he?”
The doctor hesitated. He shifted his eyes from Zev to me and back again. I watched as his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat when he took a deep swallow. Then, he answered, “I’m sorry. Please accept my condolences. We did absolutely everything we could, but we couldn’t revive your brother.”
No.
No.
No!
I knew it had been coming the minute I saw the doctor’s face, but hearing those words were like taking a knife in my heart. Zev and Liam’s mom, Janet, let out a shrill sound as she nearly collapsed. Her husband, Ron, held on to her, and I choked back a sob as Zev’s body rocked back. I couldn’t even pay attention to anything else but him at that point.
“Oh my God,” he cried as I held on to him. “No. Please, Liam. No,” he begged.
I didn’t know what to do. Between the losses I felt losing Liam and the weight of sorrow I felt for Zev’s pain, I didn’t know if my heart would survive.
“Zev,” I rasped.
I was instantly crushed against his chest. Holding on to him as tight as I could, I cried as his body shook with the force of his sobs.
“Tillie,” he wailed. “He’s gone. Liam’s gone.”
I squeezed him tighter. “I know, honey. I know,” I sobbed.
The next thing I knew we were falling. Zev and I had collapsed to the ground. He held on to me as we plummeted to the floor and buried his face in my neck when we got there. It took a long time for us to cry it out. I had no idea how much time had passed.
Zev’s body started to shudder with each inhale he took. I did my best to comfort him, alternating between stroking his back and squeezing him.
“What are we going to do, Tillie?” he whimpered, his voice so small and broken.
I took his face in my hands and looked him in the eyes. Zev had never disappointed me. He’d never let me down. I needed to do the same for him. “We’ll get through this, Zev. I promise you.”
The pain in his eyes was enough to make me want to start crying all over again. But I couldn’t. I needed to be strong for him. I’d process my own loss another time.
“I promise,” I repeated. “I’ll get us through this.”
With that, Zev closed his eyes and hugged me close to him again before he broke down into another round of sobbing.
Tillie
Time heals all wounds.
I didn’t know who came up with the sentiment, but it dawned on me that perhaps the individual had been referring to physical wounds.
Because it had been three days.
Three long, agonizing days of despair. Three days since I sat in the hospital with Zev and his parents waiting for news about Liam.
Three days since Liam died.
And with each day that went by, I felt worse. I hadn’t accepted it. I hadn’t come to terms with it. Hell, I didn’t even find comfort in the fact that Liam had died doing something he loved.
He was thirty years old. Just thirty. Only two years ago, he was my age.
How could he be gone?
Just like that.
One day I was talking to him on the phone, joking with him. Not even a full week later, I was hit with the cold, hard truth that I’d never speak to him again.
I missed him.
For three days, I missed my best friend.
I wanted him back. I wanted him to knock on my door and tell me we were going to go to the movie theater.
But that wasn’t going to happen.
Never again would I get to see the smile on his face when he took me to see one of his movies. I’d never hear the softness in his voice when he wanted to encourage me in anything ever again.
Instead of hearing his voice or seeing his face, I laid my head down on my pillow every night for three nights and cried. That was the only sound in my place. Not a knock on the door. Not a phone ringing from my nightstand. Not a voice that had comforted me more times in my life than I’d ever deserved.
The way he loved and protected me was something I knew I’d feel the loss of for a long time to come… probably forever.
On more than one occasion since that doctor walked out and delivered the news about Liam, I found myself wanting to break. When I woke up this morning, it hit me the hardest. Because today I had to say goodbye to a man who meant the world to me. I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t ready for it. I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. I wanted to throw my body to the ground, kicking and screaming, begging for him to come back.
But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t.
I’d been holding it together for three days as best I could.
And I was doing that because Zev needed me. Zev needed someone to be strong so he didn’t have to be.
After years of being there for me the way he and Liam both had been, this was the least I could do for him. Whatever he needed to get through this, I’d give it to him.
Over the last three days, he’d been a mess. I understood it. I understood the pain he felt as though I’d been shot in the heart myself. I went to his place and just sat with him. I fielded phone calls and entertained his guests that stopped by to give their condolences. And when everybody was gone for the day, I fought to keep him going. He refused food, but I made him eat.
Somewhere along the line, I realized that taking care of Zev right now was the only thing keeping me together. Considering I didn’t want to fall apart, I planned to continue to take care of my best friend until I knew he was okay again. Judging by how hard he was taking Liam’s death, I knew I had a couple months of work ahead of me.