“Good, sir. So good.” Travis responded, his voice quiet and thin.
“Let’s get you over to Jason.” Noah helped Travis off the cross. He guided him over to the bed and retrieved a bottle of water. He cracked the lid, then handed it to Travis. Noah settled next to Travis and tugged him into his arms. Travis’ skin was warm to the touch. He felt as relaxed as he looked, save for the massive erection he sported.
Travis sat curled up against Noah and drank half the water down before he stopped. “You’ve got a good arm.”
Travis looked sated and blissed out. His face had a lovely flush of pink which nearly matched the hue Noah had brought up on his skin. But despite the praise from both Jason and Travis that night, he couldn’t help the frisson of wrongness which went through him now that their scene was over.
The emotional impact of the scene had floored Noah, but now that it was over, nothing seemed real anymore. Noah had got so lost in his own head in the scene that coming out of it was proving difficult. Even after he’d tended to Travis, making sure he rehydrated and had leveled out properly, Noah still felt adrift and he wasn’t sure how to anchor himself again.
Jason made him stay over, for what reason, Noah couldn’t guess. He made an excuse about being tired and turned in early. He laid in bed that night staring at the ceiling, unable to pinpoint the reason he suddenly felt so unsettled. He was nearly asleep when it hit him. Travis wasn’t his to take care of. Noah had wanted to be the one to hold him, to soothe him when they were done. But Noah had passed him over to Jason. He’d handed Travis a bottle of water and he’d made sure he was okay, but it wasn’t enough.
It was dawn when Noah finally gave up and admitted to himself that he needed to talk to Jason. Jason had checked on him a few times, but he had pretended to be asleep. Noah didn’t have the energy to pull his clothes on. He ventured upstairs in his briefs and tapped on Jason’s bedroom door. Travis opened it, blinking sleepily at Noah, dressed in one of Jason’s shirts.
Travis’ eyes widened. “Noah? What’s wrong?” Travis gently urged Noah to enter their bedroom and tugged him over to where Jason still lay sleeping. “Jason. Jason, Noah’s here.”
Jason grumbled and rolled over. Noah watched him crack an eye open, then he sat bolt upright in bed. “Noah. Fuck. Fucking shit.” Jason climbed out of bed. Naked, his cock half hard and… huge. If Noah was being honest, it was hard not to notice.
Jason wrapped his arms around Noah and pulled him into a tight embrace. “I checked on you last night. I knew I should’ve gone in the room instead of peeking in.”
“I was fine.”
Travis slipped his arms around Noah and buried his face in Noah’s back.
“Come, lay down with us.” It wasn’t a request, and Jason helped Noah into bed. He held him close. Travis crawled in on the other side and wrapped his arm around Noah’s middle.
“What’s going on, Noah?” Jason asked.
Noah laughed, but it sounded strange, like he was losing his mind. “You tell me.”
“Okay.” Jason ran a hand up and down Noah’s arm, as though he were soothing a skittish animal. “You’re having an emotional response to the scene yesterday, which is why I wouldn’t let you go home. I needed to know how you handled this, and I’m sorry I dropped the ball.”
“No. It’s… I made the choice chose to hide and keep things from you. You can’t force me to talk to you. I wasn’t ready.”
Travis burrowed into Noah and the snuggly sensation of Travis using him as a body pillow calmed Noah’s frayed nerves. He also appreciated how Travis stayed silent and let Jason take the lead. He didn’t feel ganged up on, but cared for.
Noah exhaled. “Yesterday was amazing, but…”
“Take your time.” Jason’s baritone voice soothed Noah, and he shut his eyes.
“It wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I want more than someone to swing a flogger at. Travis was fantastic, but I don’t want to walk up to a cross and flog someone and then walk away. That connection you two have. That’s what I want.” It was all he ever wanted. Once upon a time he’d had it with Ian, but not anymore. Not for a long time.
That Ian would enter his thoughts now, after all this time, wasn’t surprising. He still loved Ian in a way. The memories he had with him were the most precious thing Noah owned, and despite all the pain, he wouldn’t give them up for anything.
“Oh, Noah,” Travis sighed and kissed his shoulder.
“I think you’re ready to go out into the world and find a submissive to play with.” Jason said, breaking the heavy silence which had descended on them. “Or, you could play with Travis and I. BDSM doesn’t have to be about sex, and we don’t have to cross that line, but it doesn’t mean you can’t have any of the intimacy.”
Noah shook his head. “I can’t.” Noah was terrified of getting too close to Jason and Travis. He wanted so desperately to say fuck it all and take everything Jason was offering, but he knew deep down it would be a bad idea. Noah would fall desperately in love, but there’s no way it would work between the three of them, even if they loved him back. But that’s not what they were offering.
Travis kissed Noah’s shoulder. “What’s bothering you, Noah? Is it the scene? Are you feeling off kilter because you need more help steadying yourself after the scene? First times can be nerve-wracking.”
“No. That’s not it. Well, a little. I want someone of my own, you know,” Noah confessed. As always, Ian’s face flashed through his mind. Noah slammed the door on those thoughts. “When I first saw Jason back in the fall, I saw the way you look at him. I want that.”
“Oh, babe.” Noah heard the heartbreak in Jason’s voice.
“It’s stupid.”
“It’s not,” Jason reassured him. “Is that why you set up so many boundaries between you and Travis?”
Noah couldn’t admit he cared about Jason. It wouldn’t go anywhere, not now and not in the long run. “There’s no room here for what I want.” It wasn’t exactly a confession, but it was close enough that Jason seemed to get his meaning without Noah elaborating.
“You don’t enjoy sharing.”
It was the simplified version. He wanted the level of devotion, adoration, and respect which thrummed between Jason and Travis. Jason had taught him the basics and Noah knew he’d be there when he needed him, but maybe Noah was ready to step out into the world and find something of his own.
“I want someone who’s only mine.”
“We can help you.” Travis’ offer was sweet, and Noah laid his hand over Travis’.
“Thanks, but this is something I need to do on my own.” As soon as he worked up the courage.
Chapter Five
Summer 2001
Noah sensed Jason watching him. He was always aware of Jason’s eyes on him when he was in the club. Noah had stopped looking for his face in the crowd though. Beauty stopped him, demanding his attention.
The blond instantly captivated Noah and he wondered if he’d ever seen anything as stunning as the submissive a few feet away from him. He had to be new, Noah hadn’t seen him before. If he guessed, he was probably a few years older than Noah, but he didn’t care. The submissive laughed and butterflies erupted. It was the most beautiful sound he’d heard in years.