“Babe,” Gavin broke the kiss, his voice husky and low. Noah knew Gavin wanted him, but he also knew Gavin liked to make Noah wait. “We’re supposed to go to the club tonight.”
Noah brushed a kiss across Gavin’s temple. “You’re right.” The past four years with Gavin had been amazing, but every weekend was turning out to be the same. They’d met at the club, but Gavin still clung to the culture Noah felt himself growing tired of. Often it felt like too much to ask that they stay home. The last time they’d missed a weekend had been the time Noah was down with the flu. When they returned the following weekend, Gavin had acted as though he’d been gone for months.
Noah pulled away and started toward the bedroom. “I need a shower.”
He heard Gavin follow him to the bedroom. He pretended not to notice, though. He loved Gavin, but he wasn’t in the mood to deal with this. Not again.
“Noah, babe? What’s wrong?” Gavin was using his pouty voice. The soft, sugary tone he used when he wanted something. And what he wanted right now was for Noah to turn around and kiss him and reassure him nothing was wrong.
Noah had every intention of doing exactly that. But he turned and opened his mouth. “Don’t you ever get tired of going to the club, Gav?”
Something indecipherable flashed across Gavin’s face. “Of course not. I love it there. It’s our place, Noah. I feel closest to you there.” Gavin swayed his hips as he closed the distance between them. He ran his hands up Noah’s chest. “I love the club. I love what we do.”
Noah knew that all too well. It was all Gavin wanted to do. It was as though he’d become addicted to kink. Like he couldn’t get it up without Noah telling him to, and yeah, Noah was a dom, and he relished the special connection he had with Gavin, but lately it had gotten to be too much. Too demanding. Too all consuming. Noah couldn’t remember the last time he’d had normal sex. Everything had to be in response to a command. They didn’t laze around and kiss until they tore each other’s clothes off. Noah had tried it several weeks back and things were going well until Gavin broke the kiss and looked at Noah. How do you want me, Sir? Noah had tried to explain to Gavin he wanted to have normal sex, to not have to direct everything. Gavin had tried, but not very hard, in Noah’s opinion.
Noah had to be on at all times. Gavin wanted him in charge of their sex life all the time. He’d even brought home a cock cage at one point and begged Noah to lock him up. Noah refused, and Gavin had argued about it so hard and long that Noah had to use his safeword to make Gavin stop.
“Please, can we go, sir? Please. I’ll be such a good boy for you.” Gavin begged.
“Get in the shower. Clean yourself out for me.” Noah had to dig deep to find the urge to be firm. What he wanted was to curl up in front of the television and watch the new docu-drama he’d heard about. Maybe drink a beer. Instead, he waited until Gavin finished in the shower before he had his own. He slid into his leather pants and a stupid white button up. He felt like an asshole and a fraud when he walked into the club.
Gavin wore as little as possible. Noah let him. He wasn’t the type who wanted to control someone’s every move. He had an inkling that’s why Gavin wore nothing but a jockstrap. He wanted Noah to tell him how to dress. Who he could speak with. How to behave. Where to stand.
The idea had appealed to him long ago, but that was back when he was a baby dom and controlling someone’s every move sounded like a thrilling idea. In reality, it was too much fucking work. It had taken him a while to realize control and devotion weren’t necessarily the same thing.
Noah wanted someone he could pin to the floor and fuck senseless, or use as a footstool, or do nothing but command them to put his cock in their mouth and keep it warm. But he didn’t want it all the time. He wanted someone who wanted to do their own thing. Who still wanted to have normal sex and do normal stuff.
Gavin wanted someone to rule his entire sex life from what he wore to how he prepared himself to whether or not he got to have an erection.
The ride to the club was tense, and Noah wasn't even one step inside the club when he realized he couldn't do it. He couldn't go in.
“Gav,” Noah paused inside the doors. “I need to leave. Please. I can’t do this tonight. I’m too tired.” Noah couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t be here where everyone expected so much of him. Doms were expected to have control of their submissives. They were to keep a leash on their property, literally or figuratively. They got judged on how they fucked, ate, breathed, and Noah couldn’t handle one more weekend of leather-clad pretense.
“Don’t be silly,” Gavin tugged on Noah’s arm, pulling him further into the club. “We just got here.”
“Gavin. No.”
Gavin turned, and fire flashed in his gaze.
“Red,” Noah choked. “Red.” He turned on his heel and burst out into the street. Rain was falling, and the scent of wet pavement grounded him.
Gavin joined him a minute later, a scowl etched into his face, but beyond that Noah saw the fear and the desperation. Gavin had always been an emotional person. He tried to hide his vulnerability, but it poured out of him. “What the hell, Noah?”
“I don’t want to be here.”
“Well, no shit.” Gavin rolled his eyes, but his voice shook. “Why not? We always come here?”
Noah laughed, dark and angry. At Gavin and himself. “That’s why. We’re always here. You don’t want a partner, Gavin. You want a dom. And I’m a dom, but not all the time. It’s fucking exhausting.”
“Great. So I’m exhausting.” Anguish bled out of Gavin’s voice.
“That’s not what I said. You’re not a dom, Gavin. You don’t know how hard it is to be with someone who wants you to be on all the time. That’s not me. It was never me.”
“It was you in the beginning.” Gavin’s voice softened. “What changed?”
“The club. The people. Me. You. Nothing. Everything. Fuck, I don’t know, Gavin. I just… can we go home and talk about this. I love you.” The words came out by rote, and Noah wasn’t sure if he believed them. They were just words that sounded like they should go there, so he said them. It was habit.
Gavin didn’t answer right away. When he did, he lifted his chin and looked Noah straight in the eyes. “Out of the both of us, you’re the only one who has ever safeworded in this relationship.”
“You’ve never safeworded because I know you, Gavin. I know your limits.”
Gavin rolled his eyes. “Yes, Noah, the boy scout dom. You’re supposed to push my limits, Noah. That’s what doms are supposed to do.”
Noah narrowed his gaze. “Safewords exist in case they’re needed, but I’d like to think I’m a good enough dom that I’d never push you hard enough to make you use yours.”
“And that’s the fucking problem.” Gavin shouted.
“You wanted me to make you safeword?” Noah took a step back. It was suddenly like he was talking to a stranger. He’d followed Gavin’s limits to the letter. He never wanted to push him into a situation or a mindset which would make him uncomfortable. He’d been diligent. And now Gavin was turning his care and consideration on their ear and throwing them back at Noah as though they were sins. “Gavin… no. That’s not… that’s not why people have safewords.”