In a flash, everything is clear and the wall between us is suddenly gone. I have scaled the obstacle without realizing it. Or perhaps, Will scaled his side and met me half way.
Will shrugs. “I was scared you were a trigger for me. That’s why I didn’t show up the other day. “
The last thing I want is to make my brother sicker.
“Am I?”
He shrugs again. “I dunno. We’ll see. But I’d like to have you in my life. I missed you. So until we know we’ll just take it slow. OK?”
We’re interrupted by the waitress and place our orders. I suspect we all just order the first thing we see on the menu.
When she’s out of range I reach across to touch my brother, who’s moved back to sit next to Daanya. “I’m here if you need anything.”
“Are you? You travel around a lot.”
I don’t get the vibe that he’s pushing back, questioning my dedication to him, but that he’s feeling me out for my plans.
“I was looking for you. Partly. I was also looking for me.” Such declarations are hard for me. They leave me feeling raw and exposed.
“You found one, how about the other?” He leans back against the booth, his arm across the back.
I shrug one shoulder. “Bits maybe. It’s coming together slowly. What counts is having you back in my life, but any time that I’m...” It’s hard to say, knowing I could be a cause to his mental illness. “...a problem, you let me know.”
“If you are a trigger then you need to be prepared for me to shut you out again. At least until I can get a handle on things.” He meets my gaze, but I can’t hold it and look away.
I nod my head, blinking to keep back the rain of tears.
“You can’t take it personally,” Daanya adds softly.
But how can I not? “Sure,” I say, amazed I’m able to force out the words. I can barely get air in and out.
“Jo, I live every day on the edge. Fighting chaos and risk with one foot in reality and the other in a world full of hallucinations. Every day I choose to wake up is a risk for both me and the people I love.” He looks at Daanya and strokes a hand down her cheek. “I’ve learned that my journey is found in staying and seeing things out. It’s about living the life that’s been dealt me and making it everything I imagine or more.” He leans over and kisses Daanya gently on the lips.
I try not to be jealous of what they have together, honestly. But it’s hard not to want a connection like that to a person who feels for you what you do for them. Sure, Brinn and I have a connection but it’s sex-based. When it comes down to the person he wants to take a risk on, it won’t be me. As much as he’s too straight-laced for me, I’m too outside the lines for him. Maybe we’ve moved a little further away from having no strings but they certainly haven’t turned into heartstrings.
“So you’ll understand if things between us progress slowly?” Will asks as the waitress delivers our food.
I nod. The truth is a part of me does understand.
But, part of me doesn’t.
Nineteen
I run my hands down the smooth curves of Zach’s beat-to-shit scooter while trying to tune him out. Zach’s lamenting the woes of the machine while casting furtive glances back at the hangar. It’s clear this is more about what Brinn will say than the flaws of the vehicle.
Brinn comes out of the hangar, aviator shades already covering his eyes, but I can tell he’s looking at us. I feel it in all my important parts. Zach tries to take the keys but I snatch my hand away and grip them in my fist.
“He’ll kill me,” he pleads.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” Gesturing for him to step back, I straddle the cracked faux leather seat and let my skirt fall open at the part, revealing most of my thigh and the new henna I created from the pattern Daanya drew out for me.
After lunch, we spent the remainder of the day together at the beach and later cooking out at my house. It seemed so natural and normal that I almost forgot our relationship was held together with years-old duct tape.
But it’s hard to forget you might send your brother into a psychotic state.
“I can’t imagine why you want to sell this. I love it,” I tell Zach as I watch Brinn stride purposefully toward us. I can almost hear his teeth gnash from here.
“Because it’s a money pit, because it looks better than it runs, because it’s the smart thing to do,” Brinn says and tucks his hands in his pant pockets. “Get off that thing, Josie.”
“I want it,” I tell him.
He shakes his head. “You’re not getting it. You’d be—”
“I already told her everything that’s wrong with it and that I couldn’t sell it to her in good faith,” Zach says.
“Good man, Smitty.” Brinn nods at him.
“Hold up, you two. I’m glad you both have it worked out, but you’ve forgotten one important element. What I want. And what I want is to buy this.” I toss my hair over my shoulder, dismissing them both as I slide the key into the ignition.
“Josie,” Brinn says and takes a step toward me.
“Shut it.” I put a hand out to stop him. “I already know that the throttle can stick or the brakes may be unreliable. I know there’s a problem with the fuses and sometimes the lights don’t turn on. I still want it. I have an interview with the cruise company and if I get it I’m gonna need something to get around different ports. This is perfect.” I turn the engine over. It roars to life.
“Amazing,” Brinn mumbles.
“What?” I call out as I rev the throttle.
“I said you’re lucky it started on the first try. How’s that gonna work for you when you’re stuck in some port and it won’t start?”
I adjust myself in the seat and push the scooter forward, releasing the stand. With my gentle turn of the throttle, the scooter eases forward at a lazy crawl. I pull my feet up to rest on the running board.
They watch me ride around the large parking lot, navigating between the cars, over the dirt patches, and looping through again. With trepidation, I slowly increase my speed and revel in the sensation that comes from having my hair whip behind me like a flag.
“Hey, make sure the brakes work before you accelerate more,” Brinn yells.
“Yes, Dad.” I test the brakes by jerking the scooter forward for twenty yards. “I think the brakes are OK.” I do another series of stop-starts, making the tires squeak each time. When I pass Brinn, I laugh. His hands are on his hips, his lips a thin line.
“Did you say there were brake problems?” I jerk by him, smiling and watching the muscle in his jaw tick.
He shakes his head and folds his arms across his chest.
I twist the handle and accelerate, pushing the scooter to the limit.
“Oh, oh no, Look at me. Living on the edge.” I weave around them, shaking the scooter from side to side.
“Slow down,” he says.
“No.”
“I don’t have the time to take you to the ER.” He whips off his shades.
I weave through the cars and try to get the speed up by crossing the parking lot in a straight line. I hunch low and hear Zach laughing. When I look over, Brinn shoves him in the shoulder. I lean into the curve and catch some gravel that causes the scooter to wobble. When I come out of the curve, I sit up straight and meet Brinn’s glare.