Catherine stared at me, her expression empty, though I thought I detected a hint of sadness, of longing. The rumor was she had left a lover behind because she was chosen to marry the King. Was she like me at one time? Fighting and clawing to keep a piece of herself, and eventually, it broke her. Took her under.
“Theo?” It wasn’t a question, but a demand, my bare feet padding toward the kitchen.
“Not even married yet and already getting the wife glare from her!” Eloise laughed. “Theo’s in the doghouse.”
“Shut up,” he grumbled, his shoes clipping the floor behind me, following me into the only room which felt comfortable to me, which had more to do with Lennox than the actual space.
“Give us the room.” I heard my voice speak to the staff in the kitchen, full and authoritative, sounding very much like a future monarch.
One I would hate.
You could see they didn’t like the royal in waiting ordering them around already, but they stopped what they were doing and exited. I could hear it already: “She’s not even a princess yet and already acting like she rules the place.”
The moment the last person disappeared out the door, I swung around, fire burning in my chest.
“Wow. You are a natural. I don’t think they’ve even taken my orders like that before.” Theo smiled down at me like he had no idea what was coming.
“How could you?” I seethed.
“Spence—” Theo reached for me.
“No.” I shoved his hands away. “What. The. Fuck. Theo? How could you do that to me?”
“What? Want to marry you? Give you the most romantic proposal?”
“Are you kidding me right now?”
He shifted on his feet.
“Do you or do you not remember being in this very room yesterday morning? When we broke up!”
“We didn’t break up. We had a fight. You only needed a moment to cool down.”
“Theo!” I bellowed, my arms flying out. “I told you I wasn’t happy. That I didn’t want this anymore. Am I going crazy? You did hear me, right?”
“Yes.” He licked his lips, turning his head to the side. “I know it’s scary and overwhelming being part of this whole circus, but I love you, Spencer. We can work through all that. It will calm down, and everything will be perfect.”
“Oh my god.” I pressed my hands into my forehead, feeling like I stepped into some alternative universe. “Theo, are you even listening to me?”
“I am, but I know you, Spence. You flip out easy, but once you calm down, you realize you freaked out for nothing.”
I couldn’t deny I was set to react first, the flame in me igniting on defense before I took a breath and realized it wasn’t that bad.
“This is different.” A surge of sadness sizzled my throat with bile, my lids blinking as I slipped off the ring. “I can’t marry you, Theo.”
His body stilled, his breathing moving his chest in rapid motion.
“I’m sorry. Trust me; I went into this believing it all could work out. That love was enough.”
“And you don’t now?” Cold, his tone sliced through the room.
“No.” I gnawed on my lip.
“Do you love me?” He clipped out each syllable.
I swallowed, not able to meet his gaze.
“Spencer? Do you love me? Yes or no.”
“It’s not that black and white.”
“Yes.” He clutched my chin, turning it up to him, anger and pain glinting in his irises. “It is.”
“You’re my first love. I will always love you…”
“But?” he ground out.
“I’m not in love with you,” I croaked out softly, a tear rolling down my cheek. “Not enough.”
It was as if I’d stabbed him in the heart. Pain and grief filled his expression as much as he tried to hide it; devastation gurgled in his throat as he stepped back, turning away from me.
“I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head, not facing me. “I don’t want to hear your pity.”
“It’s not pity, Theo. I care about you so much. You were my friend first, and hurting you is killing me.”
“But not enough to stay with me.”
“What?”
“What did I do wrong?” He twisted around, and I stumbled back. “What happened to make you stop loving me?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “You are wonderful…just not for me.”
“Bloody hell, Spencer.” He started to pace. “You were it for me. I was so happy thinking about marrying you, moving out of here, settling down, having kids.”
“Did you even think once if it was the life I wanted? I don’t even know if I want kids.”
“What?” His head jerked to me, his eyes wide. “You don’t want a family?”
“Family, yes. Kids…I don’t know. They are not mutually exclusive.” I replied, my voice rising. “I shouldn’t have to know right now. I’m not even twenty. I’m sure the PR team has already set dates on when I should conceive and when the second child should come. And if I decided I didn’t want kids? Oh my god… the media, this family, the public…you. I would be ridiculed and shamed. That’s what I’m getting at. We’re so young. I should be at Uni, getting drunk and staying up all night studying. Instead, I wake up to stylist controlling what I wear, how my hair should look, and I guess having freckles is against princess code. Everything out of my mouth is practically scripted. I already know where I’ll be married and buried.”
I took a breath, trying to calm myself. “The one thing I hate is being treated like a hobby and brushed aside as a passing fancy. Everything that made me, me—the girl you supposedly fell in love with—is gone.” The dam had broken, and everything was spewing out, including my tears. “Did you know Mina no longer wants to be my friend, and I didn’t even know Landen was shipped off to the military? Those were my friends, my family. And I lost them because I chose you—this life. I’ve given up everything, but you’ve sacrificed nothing. Do you realize if I wasn’t here, nothing about your life would change? Not one thing. Where everything in mine has. You have known nothing else. This is your life, and I understand that, and the person marrying you should want it too.”
Dumbfounded, he stood there like aliens had taken me over.
“If we were so in love, we should be bursting with excitement and lust, not able to keep our hands off each other,” I exclaimed. “Don’t you think it’s an ominous sign that on our supposed engagement night, we slept in different rooms?”
“You said you were tired and in pain. You had a headache.”
Jesus, didn’t he hear how ancient we sounded?
My lids pinched briefly together, aware that none of those things mattered with Lennox. No pain would stop me from at least wanting him to be next to me in bed. With Theo, they were excuses to be left alone. And he didn’t fight me on it one bit.
“Do you even love me?”
“Of cours—”
“No.” I held up my hand. “I want you to really think about it, not just give me a knee-jerk response because I feel it’s become more the idea of me than actually me anymore. The next thing on your checklist for becoming a great king. I stand by your side and smile, the perfect wife, always there for you. But when was the last time you actually thought about me?”