“No, you can’t.”
“Spence, from day one, I have been keenly aware of every minuscule movement, expression, and noise of yours.”
“Really?” I twisted around to him. “Noise of mine?”
The side of his mouth curved up. “To the tiniest of sighs, gasps, and… moans.”
Air hauled through my nose, my cheeks flushing.
“Now say what you want to ask me.” He smirked like he already knew.
“Bloody hell, I’ll bet you’re fun to surprise on your birthday,” I grumbled, turning away from him.
“Not really one for surprises.”
“No kidding,” I snorted.
“For you, I’ll pretend to be surprised.” He pressed into me, wrapping firmer around me. “Now ask me.”
“Fine.” I hated I was going to utter these words out loud. I was such a girl. “You said you had a lot of sex.” I cringed as I said it. “How many have you brought here before now?”
His teeth nipped at my ear. “None.”
“What?” I gazed back at him.
He leaned up on his elbow, peering down at me smugly. “I’ve been married for almost four years.”
“So you never…?”
“I didn’t cheat on my wife the two years we were together if that’s what you are insinuating. But for these last two? Yeah, there have been a few. Do we really need to talk about it?”
I stared at him until he sighed.
“Three.” He rubbed at his scruff. “The first was right after I returned to duty after being by her side for weeks. The doctor confirmed there was no hope. Everything hit me—all the misery, regret, guilt, and death. I felt like I was drowning. Ironic after my sister, but that’s exactly how I felt. It was one of my darkest times. I saw no light, no hope, only endless pain and agony. I contemplated ending it that night.”
My chest ballooned, acute terror at the idea of him not in this world, that I would never have known him, cut through my vocals.
“The day I returned to the field was a really tough day. An innocent little boy died in my arms after a market was attacked. It snapped something in me. My mates sensed it, and a few dragged me to a local bar where we were stationed. I drank until I didn’t feel. She was there and made me feel good, like I was some other guy for a night—one who didn’t hold endless grief, pain, and guilt. I wanted to feel again. Anything but agony, you know?”
“I totally get that,” I uttered, touching his face. “I would have done the same.”
He lifted an eyebrow.
“You said I was strong, but Jesus, Lennox. What you’ve gone through? The horrors not just in your personal life, but in combat? I can’t imagine.”
“I barely remember being with her, and in honesty, it really wasn’t about her. But instead of feeling guilty the next day, I felt a speck of hope. Maybe the darkness wouldn’t totally consume me, and that I got through the lowest moment and crawled out of the hole. In a way that night saved my life.”
“Magical pussy.” I nodded.
“Bloody hell.” Lennox burst out laughing, his deep howl echoing and bouncing through the room, spreading sheer joy and giddiness in my veins, widening my mouth in a huge grin. His uninhibited laugh burst in my chest like the most rare, powerful, beautiful song. “Damn, Spencer.” He chuckled, shaking his head, his smile glinting his eyes, staring down at me. “I never can predict what’s gonna come out of your mouth.”
“Believe me, my mother can painfully concur with that.”
“I love it.” He leaned forward, his mouth brushing mine. “Do you know how rarely I’m taken unaware in life? I’m trained to be ready, perceiving behaviors and events before they happen. Except with you. No one has ever snuck out on me…ever. And you did it twice.”
“Glad to be able to keep you up on your toes,” I murmured against his lips.
“Not the only thing you keep up.” He kissed me, pulling away and taking a deep breath. “You need to get some sleep.”
“You didn’t finish. Who was your second?”
He frowned, probably hoping this conversation was over. Tipping his head, his mouth pinned together.
“Right.” My palm smacked at my forehead. “Hazel.”
“No. She was the last one.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, coiling a snake in my gut. A feeling of dread washed over me.
“Who was the second?” Apprehensively, I let the question slide out.
“Katy.”
“Katy?” I sputtered, sitting up. “As in the horse trainer for the Royal House, Katy?”
He nodded, his expression blank.
“I knew it.” I hit my fists into the bed, recalling the way her gaze possessively crawled over him. Behind her sweetness laid claws. “She wanted you so bad, I thought she’d take me out and hide my body under the hay piles, then you told her who I was.” I snorted, remembering the way her shoulders eased when Lennox told her who I was. Not a threat. “Was it before or after that?”
“Does it matter?”
“After then.”
“It was once, and it was a mistake. It was during the time I disappeared.” Yes, I remembered. That week I was miserable, but I didn’t I let myself recognize the reason why. Now I could see how much I hated him being gone. I felt like something was missing. I kept searching for him, then chastising myself for it. “It was Gracie’s birthday. Her family makes it this big deal.” His eyes pinched in the corners. “The years before I didn’t think about it, knowing it was something they needed to do. But this year, it hit me. What complete torture it was for all of us, including Gracie, to be celebrating something she will never have again. A life. And all I kept thinking about was wanting to get back to you, which just twisted my guilt and loathing into abhorrence. I could barely sit still, be in my own skin.” He leaned his head back into the pillow, his attention on the ceiling. “I kept telling myself it was the job I wanted to get back to, not you, but even then, I knew it was a complete lie.
“She found me in a moment of weakness. I was a piss arse drunk in a pub after spending the day at the hospital. Angry at the world. My situation. Myself. You. I wasn’t really in the right frame of mind, but I didn’t stop her when she took me back to her place. Let me say it was awkward the next morning. I was honest, telling her I wasn’t looking for anyone.”
“Have you talked since?”
“She has texted and called, and I’ve tried to be brief in my responses.”
I was never a jealous person. I was okay with sharing Theo with the world, knowing the thousands of women, models, actresses, and singers pined for him and fantasized about him. It never bothered me.
With Lennox, my gut burned with jealousy, but I pushed it back down, liking how open he was with me.
“And then there was Hazel.” My vocals strained. Katy was cute, beautiful even, but Hazel was stunning. I mean, the girl had actually walked the runway in top fashion shows around the world. She was a harder pill to swallow, feeling like a nerdy schoolgirl next to her, and especially because she was also a “friend” in our group. Around him. “In the room right across from mine.”