This was awful to admit, but with Theo, I sometimes got bored, and I would start thinking of other things when he kissed me. With Lennox, there was nothing else, and I never wanted to stop. Standing on my toes, my teeth nipped and tugged at his bottom lip, the craving for him steamrolling over everything else. He grunted, crashing his mouth back into mine, our hands tugging at the barriers covering us. We staggered a few more steps closer to the bed.
“Stop,” he said half-heartedly. I didn’t. “Spen-cer.” His hands moved down to my arms, holding me in place while he took a step back, breathing deeply. “I think we need to talk first.”
Ugh. Damn reality. “Yeah.” I nodded, blowing a breath out of my mouth, my shoulders sagging in defeat. I didn’t want to. I wanted to feel his skin against mine, have him deep inside me. I needed him to make me forget everything.
“Theo…”
His name was an instant cold shower, pumping ice into my veins and pain into my chest. I turned away, running a hand through my hair, my defenses rising.
“How about we talk about your wife first?” I swung back around, anger replacing the fire in my belly. “How could you not tell me you were married?”
He pinched his nose. “I tried…”
“Don’t give me that bullshit. You could have told me at any time,” I yelled. “You kept it from me. You fucked me; you could have told me about Gracie. You should have.”
“I know.” He bowed his head, pacing in an abstract circle. “I keep my personal life very private.”
“Don’t you dare.” I stomped up to him. “You don’t think I deserved to know? I wasn’t personal enough to you?”
“Up until the other night? No,” he volleyed. “I tried to keep my job separate from all my shite. But you kept bleeding in. I tried to keep you at a distance. And honestly…” He rubbed at the back of his neck. “I loved you being separate.”
“What?” I popped like a shotgun. “You liked me being naïve and clueless about you being married?”
“I’m not saying it’s right.” He started to move around again. He breathed out, facing me. “Gracie has been a source of bottomless guilt and darkness. Regret. Resentment. Obligation. And then I would feel worse for feeling those things. The guilt is compounded when her parents are around. They still act like she will wake up at any time, and our life with kids and the farm is still happening.” He put his hands on his hips, staring at the floor. “I’ve tried talking to them, but they don’t hear me. They hold on to me so tight, to the idea of Gracie and me, because if they don’t…they will have to face the fact she is never coming back.” He paused for a few moments. “Being around you was the exact opposite.”
His gaze lifted to mine.
“I felt alive. A different man. Fuck, you drove me mad some days, could piss me off like no other. And let me say, I’ve trained some dumb wankers in the military in my time. Gracie never even got close to what you stirred in me. I realized I loved it, craved the feeling of being near you. You made me laugh, smile. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had really laughed. So yeah, maybe it was selfish, but I wanted to keep you separate—keep those two worlds unconnected. I convinced myself you were just a job anyway. I worked for the King; you were my charge to protect. The girlfriend to the Prince, my mate. I needed to keep you at arm’s length.” He scoffed dryly. “The more I found myself near you even when I didn’t need to be, the more I denied the truth. But after the bombing, how close we came to death, I couldn’t pretend anymore.”
“I couldn’t either. The bombing was my awakening as well. But you still should’ve told me.”
“Yeah.” He strolled to the window, shoving his hands in his pockets, staring out into the night, streetlamps and restaurants glowing from beyond. “In fairness, you were with Theo. I tried to be respectful. Until you came to me that night. To my bed. It was game over for me.”
“Me too,” I whispered, dropping my head. Admitting it didn’t seem to relieve me at all. Our situation felt so hopeless. Whatever we did would cause so much pain and damage.
“I filed for divorce a few months ago.”
My head wrenched up, gaping at his reflection in the window. “What?”
“The doctor signed it, stating Gracie would never recover, that she is brain dead. The machines are the only thing keeping her alive.” Lennox’s voice stayed even, but I could see the pain crawling over him. “All I need to do is file it with the court.”
“But?” I moved my way up to him.
“Every time I go to do it, I see the devastation in her parent’s faces.” He flipped around, leaning his back against the glass, gazing up. “It will destroy them. I’m their last tether to her. And if I cut that tie?”
Jesus…the weight Lennox carried. From his sister’s death to Gracie. How he even functioned, I didn’t know. He didn’t even see how strong he was.
“It shouldn’t be on you to keep their illusory world afloat. It’s not fair to you. You have this one life too. Don’t you think Gracie would want you to live it? Be happy?” I stepped into him, my hand reaching out for his t-shirt, needing to touch him. Be near him. “It’s not fair to them, either. They need to move on as well. And I think deep down, you all know it but are too scared to finally let go.”
He watched me play with his shirt, fisting my fingers into the cotton.
“You changed everything,” he said, so quietly I barely heard him. I glanced up, our eyes locking. He pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around me. Falling against his warm chest, I held onto him. It was nothing sexual or even friendly. It went way past that.
It was home.
I knew I would fight for this, no matter what we had to go through.
We exhaled together, his lips brushing my hairline.
“Now tell me what the hell happened with Lord William?” He leaned back to peer down at me.
Ugh. Right. Lord arsewipe.
“Can we just get drunk and have wild sex instead?” I dug my head into his chest, feeling laughter reverberate in his chest.
“After. Definitely.” He kissed my head again, pushing off the window, leaving my embrace. “Now sit your arse down and start talking while I make you some coffee.”
“Make it spiked, and I’m on board.”
“Already planned on it.” He winked, setting a fever of butterflies through me, the smile on my face making my cheeks ache.
Removing my boots, I crawled on his bed, inhaling his rich, manly smell, triggering instant desire and comfort in me.
Recognizing Lennox wasn’t the only one who had kept huge family secrets, I went back to when I found my uncle with Eloise, and the revelations of my family’s financial problems landing on my shoulders. Lennox sat in his chair, listening to every word, rage lighting his eyes when I got to the blackmail and attack just this morning.
He pushed out of the chair, moving to the punching bag, gripping it until his knuckles blanched. “He. Touched. You.”
“Tried.” I attempted to smooth out the incident.
Lennox shot me a look. “He only stopped because he had a stroke, right?”