Eyes burned into me from across the room as Theo moved me around the space, stopping and greeting nobles and important figureheads with endless chatter and small talk I didn’t give a shite about. I stood there, a false smiled plastered on my face, his hand moving from the base of my neck to just above my arse, his thumb absently rubbing the exposed skin my dress left in the back.
Trying to ignore the scorching sensation of Lennox’s gaze, I still found my own stare sliding to his. Before, I would have thought he felt nothing, his features schooled perfectly into detached aloofness. But now I could feel him under the façade, vibrating and pulsing with fury. His jaw twitched, the intensity of his focus on Theo’s wandering hand.
I hated this. All of us were miserable, and it was my fault. All this hurt, pain, and anger was because I didn’t have the strength to stand up and realize what I wanted earlier. I hadn’t trusted the warning in my gut.
Voices yammered into a thread of buzzing around me, my body flushing with hot and cold.
Taking another sip of champagne, the sensation of the unspoken pull between the two guys felt as real as if they were really tugging me like a rope in the middle of the room. The instrumental Christmas music crashed against my spine. Horns, violins, and drums hitting certain pitches that sounded like screams and metal twisting.
My fingers went to my forehead, patting at cold sweat beading along my hairline.
“Spencer?” Theo’s palm curved briefly over my arse, lifting my gaze. His eyes flicked to whoever was across from us. “Dame Patricia was just congratulating us on our engagement.”
“Oh. Yes. Thank you,” I said absently. By the confused expressions, I knew I responded wrong.
“She asked if we were going to get married this spring? Spend our honeymoon in the Seychelles?” Theo dropped the question on me, looking as interested in my answer as she did.
Everything felt like it was closing in on me. Music, voices, and bodies, packing in heat, enveloped me.
“Uh.” My lungs struggled to breathe, spinning my head. “Pardon me for a moment.” I dipped my head at the Dame and took off before Theo could even respond, heading out the nearest doorway, hoping it was the right one.
Spotting the elegantly designed powder room at the end of the hallway, I darted in, closing the door behind me. Leaning on the sink, I took in controlled breaths, trying to calm the panic attack thumping my heart. The doctor warned me that at unpredictable times, noises and extra stress could cause the trauma of the bombing to hit me. You never believe it until it actually happens. And you can’t stop it.
The sound of the door opening drew my gaze up to the mirror, watching Lennox step in behind me.
“Following me into a loo again?” Annoyance tensed my shoulders. “Jesus, Lennox. Really? The last thing any of us need is someone to catch us in here together. Just go.”
Instead of leaving, he traveled to me. Silently, he grabbed a folded hand towel from the basket, turning on the faucet to dampen it. He pressed the cool cloth to the back of my neck, which felt utterly delicious against my hot skin.
“Breathe,” he ordered quietly.
“I am breathing.”
“Spencer.” Warning filled his tone.
Sighing, I dropped my shoulders, taking in a slow, deep breath.
“Again.” He kept the towel on my neck, demanding more breaths from me. “I can spot a panic attack in an instant. So many soldiers, including myself, deal with them. I’ve seen many fight it, pretend it’s not happening, thinking it makes them weak, only to make it worse. Going through a trauma, showing it, is not a weakness. It actually shows strength. You lived. Survived when so many didn’t.”
My defenses dissolved, and I allowed myself to lean into his build. His nearness, slowing my heart, evened out the temperature frying and freezing my insides.
“Thank you.” I leaned my head into him. “But you really should go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’m not having sex with you here.”
A laugh burst from his mouth. “I didn’t follow you to get laid, Spencer.”
“Then why? You don’t think people would notice?”
“I’m your bodyguard.” He put his hands on my hips, turning me into his frame, his gaze moving over me. His grip moved to my face, cupping my cheeks. “Where you go, I follow.”
“Now you’re just asking to be shagged in the loo again.” I went on my toes, kissing him.
He grinned against my lips, kissing me again before he leaned back. “As much as I’d love that, I don’t think it would be appropriate.”
“And last time was?”
“Fair enough.” His head bobbed, laughing again. The sound was like biting into the creamiest butter and sipping the best whiskey. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah. I am now.” I nodded. “Thank you.”
“What did Paul say to you earlier? You had a funny look on your face.”
“He said something that made it very clear to me.”
“What?”
“Be with someone who you are willing to fight any battles you face with.” I peered up at him, my arms wrapped around his torso. “And I just knew it was not the guy next to me, but the one across the room.”
His nose twitched, trying to control the emotion I could see coming over him. “Do you know how hard it is to stand there and watch Theo blatantly touch you, shoving it down my throat?”
“We have to act like a happy couple.”
“He’s doing it on purpose, and you know it. The smug glances he’s sending me as his hand wanders over your arse. Seriously, I didn’t think I had this much restraint. And I’ve sat in trenches for fifteen hours waiting on a target.”
“Well, thank you for not kicking the Prince of Great Victoria’s arse at the Prime Minister’s holiday party.” I winked. “Might put a damper on the festivities.”
“Not even Dalton could get me out of that one. You’d have to visit me in the tower.” He tipped up his eyebrow, leaning over to capture my mouth. “Conjugal visits.”
“Whips and chains take on a whole new meaning.” I grinned, deepening the kiss. With Lennox and me, we escalated from passion to lust in a blink. He was the first to break off, keeping his head against mine. “Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight? I had to cup my hands in front of me, so the whole room didn’t see my erection.”
“And here I thought it was for Duchess Caroline.”
“The eighty-year-old lady out there?” He nodded toward the door. “She’s got grabby hands, that one.”
“Hey, she’s still got some spunk in her trunk. She could rock your world.”
“Think I’ll have to go say hello to her, then.”
I yanked on his belt, pulling him into me, causing a cheeky smile to pull at his mouth.
“And have me in the tower because I kicked some old duchess’s arse?”
“I’ll visit you.” His mouth brushed mine. “I’m even open to conjugal visits if you ask nicely.”
“Thanks.”
He gripped me tighter to him. “You really do look stunning…but it’s not my favorite look.”
“Careful.” My lids narrowed, playfully.