“Right.” I feel my stomach lurch. “I think I want to try.”
Dr. Taylor nods her head slightly. “Can I offer some advice?”
“Isn’t that why you’re here?” I try to laugh.
“True.” Dr. Taylor shows off her bright smile. “If this is something you decide to do, maybe you should have a friend with you. This boy from school maybe?”
“I don’t know if I can do that. I’m not out to him yet.”
“Understandable, but perhaps just having him close by would inspire some confidence?”
“Maybe.” I can’t imagine asking Nathan to be a part of this. But the idea of him being there, even if he just stands outside while we talk or something, it does make me feel better. That would take a lot of explaining on my part though, and I don’t know if I can do that to him.
“Ben?” Dr. Taylor peers over the frames of her glasses.
“Sorry,” I say, rubbing my hands on my knees. “I think I’m going to do it. I want to talk to them, to hear their side of things.”
Dr. Taylor’s mouth is nearly a straight line. “Just be cautious, okay?”
“I will.”
The second I get home, I head up to my room, making sure the door’s closed. That probably seems a little too suspicious, but let Hannah and Thomas think what they want. I open Facebook on my phone and go right to my messages, rereading the one from Mom again. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read this thing over the last week. Parts of it are burned into my memory, other parts I forget are there until my eyes glaze over them again. I click on the box to type my reply, but the words still won’t come. I’ve tried and tried to figure out how I’d reply, but I still don’t know what I should say.
A text from Mariam pulls me away from the app, their message flashing along the top of the screen.
Mariam: Hey random question…
Mariam: You live in NC right?
Me: Yeah…
Mariam: Awesome!
I almost ask them what’s going on, but they respond a few seconds later.
Mariam: What city?
Me: Raleigh
Mariam: Excellent!
Me: Why?
Mariam: Reasons…
Me: You plan on revealing those any time soon?
Mariam: I’m finalizing my tour schedule
I swear I can know Mariam for the rest of my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever get used to them saying “tour schedule.” Or the fact that they’re basically paid to give speeches and discuss being queer, and what it means to them. Then I realize what they’re trying to get at.
Me: Wait… does that mean what I think it does?
Mariam: That I’m going to Harry Potter World after I talk at the University of Florida? Hell yeah!
Me: Mariam…
Mariam: What! I get really excited about Harry Potter
Me: Are you coming to Raleigh?
Mariam: Maybeeeeeeee ;)
Mariam: There’s this support group there, they wanted me to come and speak.
The support group. The brochure is still stuffed away in my dresser, under piles of useless paper I’ve gotten from school.
Mariam: They partnered with one of the colleges there, NC State?
Me: Yeah
Mariam: A mouthful.
Mariam: They want me to do a little seminar for the group since the university talk is just for students.
Me: Oh cool
Mariam: My friend, you are not nearly as excited as you should be.
Mariam: We’re finally going to get to meet! Like in person, like I’m gonna be standing there and you’re gonna be standing there and it’s going to be magical!!!!
Me: No, it’s cool. I’m excited
Mariam: Really not coming across the chat, friendo
Me: It’s um… It’s weird.
Mariam: What up?
For a split second, I think about telling Mariam, but I really just feel like they’d try to talk me out of it.
Me: Nothing. What’s the name of the group you’re speaking for?
Mariam: Safe Space Project
Me: That’s the support group my therapist wanted me to go to.
Mariam: Oh, did you ever go?
Me: No
Dr. Taylor and Hannah have both stopped bringing it up, thankfully, but I find myself thinking about it every few days. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to start going in the summer, when I wouldn’t have to deal with anyone at school if they saw me at the meeting, so perhaps that would make things easier? Maybe by then I can work up the courage to actually come out.
Mariam: I understand, it can be scary
Mariam: Either way we’re hanging out, seminar or not
Me: You know it
Mariam: Oh, so guess what happened to me today with Shauna…
Everything sort of feels like it’s crowding around me all at once. Like I have to make a fucking list of everything that’s going on. Mrs. Liu keeps asking about the art show. It’s definitely happening, she has the support of her other students, who want to start meeting after school to plan everything.
But I still can’t give her an answer, and I don’t know what’s really stopping me. I just hate this pressure, and her constant reminders aren’t helping.
There’s also Mom and Dad.
I feel like every time Hannah looks at me, she knows. She doesn’t, but I feel so damn guilty. And I still don’t have a proper response to Mom’s message. I keep typing things out, but nothing seems right. What do you say to the people who raised you after they no longer want you?
Then there’s the actual meeting. The idea of being alone with them, it’s terrifying. I can’t ask Hannah to come with me for obvious reasons. And I don’t want to force Thomas to lie to her and go with me. It seems like too big a thing to ask Dr. Taylor.
So that just leaves Nathan.
And somehow, asking him seems scarier than anything else.
“Ben?” Meleika nudges me with her shoulder.
“Huh? Oh, sorry.”
“I asked if you were going to be part of that art show Mrs. Liu’s planning?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Then I think about it. “How do you even know about it?”
“She’s already advertising for it.” Meleika reaches into her backpack. “She wanted the student council to hang up flyers.”
“Why wouldn’t you enter it?” Nathan asks. “That’s like Ina Garten not entering a cooking contest.”
“Ina Garten?” I look at him. In fact, all three of us give him a strange look.
“My dad likes the Food Network, but that wasn’t the point here,” Nathan argues. “You should do it.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, if you decide to do it,” Sophie starts to say, “make sure we get tickets. I’ve got the perfect outfit.”
Meleika eyes her. “You have the perfect outfit for a student art show?”
“Totally!” Sophie says. “Now sit still, I’ve got to finish these nails.”
“And with that, I’m going to get some water.” Nathan taps his knuckles against the table. “Anyone want anything?”
“I’m good,” I say. Sophie and Meleika are too busy focusing on Meleika’s nails. Sophie’s got this new black polish that almost seems blue when you look at it just the right way. It’s so stunning I’m legit considering asking her to do mine. Then it hits me. “Actually, yeah. I’ll go with you.”