“We, um … We’re just confused.” Mom tries to relax. “So, we tried to find things online, and that didn’t really help us.”
“And?” I look at the two of them.
“Honey.” Mom sighs. “We tried, we really did. We’re still trying to wrap our heads around it.”
“It’s not exactly theoretical physics,” I say. “I don’t identify as male or female, I fall outside the gender binary. I use they/them pronouns.” I keep my voice low so Nathan won’t hear me. I doubt he could anyway, all the way across the restaurant, but you never know.
“Well, son, you have to admit that it’s all very strange,” Dad says. I can’t tell if the “son” is deliberate or not.
“I’m not your ‘son,’” I say. “And what’s so strange about it? This is just who I am. Why can’t you two understand that?”
“Are you sure you aren’t just confused?” Dad asks. “Maybe you’re just gay or something and this has just been a difficult time for you?”
Dad makes “gay” sound like an insult.
“Being gay and being nonbinary are two different things!” I should know; I spent enough time having to tell myself that.
Mom looks taken aback for a second.
And Dad looks furious. Always the dramatic one. “Benjamin De Backer, don’t you take that tone with us, we’re your parents.”
“Well, how am I supposed to sound? You two are sitting here insulting me.”
Dad pinches the bridge of his nose and waves his hand around. “Okay, let’s start over.”
“Tell me one thing, what was the goal here? Why did you two want to talk after what happened?”
“We wanted to apologize,” Mom says.
“Well, you’re doing a bang-up job,” I say.
Dad rolls his eyes. “We want you to come home.”
I freeze. “What?”
“We want you to come back home,” Mom repeats, and it’s obvious she seems happier about it than Dad does. “Obviously it’d be hard with school ending, and we’re willing to wait until you graduate. Maybe make the transition a little easier.”
That makes me laugh, but they both stare at me.
“I don’t think it’s very funny,” Dad adds.
I breathe in and out slowly. I never pictured my parents as queerphobic assholes. But maybe that’s my fault for assuming the best of them.
“We miss you. We want to be a family again.” Mom looks at me, those eyes.
I think about their words, repeating them to myself over and over again in my head. They want me back? They want to be a family again?
“Ben, you have to understand how hard this has been on the both of us.” Mom looks like she actually might cry.
“What?” One step forward, a hundred steps back. “You kick me out of the house, and it’s been hard on the both of you?” I make sure I’m talking loud enough so that the people at the next table over are staring. “Do you know how you two sound right now?”
“Benjamin.” Dad looks around; he must realize what I’m trying to do. “Lower your voice.”
“Listen.” Mom sticks up a hand. “We’re still learning here. We made mistakes and we want to work to correct them. We’ve changed, we started seeing a counselor, and we’re working through some things. It was a difficult time. For all of us.”
“You two hurt me,” I spit. “Do you … Do you even realize the shit you put me through? Not just kicking me out, but the months of therapy I’ve had to go through to get past everything?” It’s slowly dawning on me that Dr. Taylor was right, and that I really should’ve listened to her.
“Honey.” Mom puts her hand on top of mine, and I don’t think about pulling away before it’s too late. Her skin on mine, the warmth of it, it’s too familiar and too strange at the same time. I try to suppress the rise in my stomach. “We’re so, so sorry for everything, and we just want to make it up to you.”
“You’ll come home after you graduate,” Dad says, and I notice it’s more of a command than a request. “We’ll take you to the therapist we’ve been seeing, maybe he can help you work through some of the things you’ve been dealing with. And help you with this nonbinary business.”
I’m going to be sick. “I’ve been seeing Dr. Taylor, I like her.”
“Okay, well …” Mom glances toward Dad. “Maybe we could see her? Together.”
I stare down at her hand, still on top of mine. “I have some things to think about,” I say.
“Of course, just do it quickly.” Dad eyes the menus at the end of the table, stacked neatly on top of one another. “Did you want to order something?”
“No.” I stand up quickly and push my chair under. “I’ll message you when I’m ready to talk.”
“Ben, honey.” Mom makes like she’s going to stand up.
I stop her. “Just let me think, for a few days. Okay?”
She looks back at Dad, and I can tell he isn’t pleased. This isn’t how he wanted this meeting to go.
I’m betting they both wanted the perfect reunion where I’d run into their arms and hug them and agree to go back home with them, leaving behind what short life I’ve built here. Hannah, Thomas, Meleika, Sophie, Dr. Taylor.
Nathan.
I look his way and nod. He’s already up and waiting at the door for me. I guess Mom notices, so she turns in her seat. “Is that a friend of yours?”
“No,” I lie.
“Were you that scared, son?” Dad asks, almost like a joke. Except I’m not laughing.
“I’ll see you two later.” I keep myself from running toward Nathan and out to his car.
“Well, hold on.” Mom grabs her purse and starts following me. “I’d like to meet this boy.”
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
But it’s already too late. Mom manages to get ahead of me, stopping Nathan right at the door. “Hello there!” She sticks out a hand. “I’m Brenda De Backer, Ben’s mother.”
Nathan grins, eyes bright as he shakes her hand. “I’m Nathan.”
“Are you a friend of Ben’s?”
Nathan looks to me for approval, but what else can we really do? Pretend my mother’s shaking hands with a person I don’t know? I’m not going to lie, that would be kind of funny, but there’s really no use. I give Nathan a little nod.
“Yeah, we go to North Wake together. He asked me for a ride.”
Mom gives me a look. “Well, isn’t that nice? We were just meeting to talk about some things.”
“Are you ready to go, Nathan?” I ask. I need to get the hell out of here.
“Yeah.” Nathan digs around in his pocket. “I’m sorry, Mrs. De Backer, but we’re meeting some friends downtown, and we’re already pretty late,” he lies.
Bless Nathan Allan.
“Oh, well.” Mom’s still all smiles. “We’ll talk soon, Ben.” I nod, and Mom looks back at Nathan. “It was so nice to meet you. I’m glad Ben’s found friends.”