Reality trickled back and I knew I was still alive when I felt Orion climax in my hand, warm slickness saturating my palm, his whimpers giving me an aftershock that dragged my ebbing orgasm out until I thought I was having a heart attack.
I barely remembered rolling off of him, but once my heartbeat finally began to slow, I was on my back, a sweaty mess blinking up at the ceiling. Orion was fused to my side, damp brown locks spread over my chest where he rested his head, our joint breathing audible.
I haphazardly pulled my ripped boxers back up, then looked down at Orion. He was still exposed, PJs down around his knees, splatters of his release evident on his taut lower belly. His eyes were closed, cheeks flushed bright pink. A purple welt was visible on the side of his neck, and I winced, trailing a finger over it. “Shit. Did I hurt you?”
His lips curved into a grin, but he kept his eyes closed. “No.” He reached down with shaky hands and slid his pants up to cover himself. “A little.” He touched the welt on his neck. “But it’s a good hurt.”
I wanted to apologize for losing control the way I had. In this post orgasm buzz, I was still reeling from the thrill of it, but self-consciousness was trying to wiggle its way in. Christ, the things I’d just done. The things I’d said.
“I figured you never done that before,” Orion said softly. “Just assumed.”
I frowned as he snuggled closer to me. I pulled the blanket up over his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. “Oh, I’ve done that before. Got kids to prove it.”
He snickered. “That’s not what I meant.”
“I know. You mean with a man.”
“Yeah. Guess I was wrong.”
I bit my lip. A minute ticked by, and I kept urging myself to speak my truth—that he was special. That he was my first. I got why he’d assume this wasn’t my first time with a man. I’d been openly ravenous, and once the dam broke, devoid of hesitation. He’d clearly interpreted it as comfort with the situation, when it was more like some unhinged caveman had taken over my body.
“You going mute on me again? Or is this too personal?”
His question shattered my hesitation. “Not going mute. Just thinking before I speak.”
He snuggled into me tighter. “Okay.”
I didn’t want him to think I was shutting him out. I was starting to care for Orion, and it was more than just the reaction he provoked in my body. He challenged me, distracted me when I was troubled, and dragged laughter out of me when I was so sad it didn’t seem possible. I liked him. I’d initially told myself Orion’s appearance in my life had brought chaos, even pain. But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I had to admit he’d brought joy back into my life too. I’d hoped joy would come again eventually, after being so down the past year, but this certainly was not how I’d imagined it would arrive, in the form of this strange, unique, sexy man in my arms.
But I supposed when it came to joy, beggars couldn’t be choosers. I’d hoped I’d feel something besides gloominess again one day, imagining a scenario where I’d meet a nice woman on the dating site and everything would just fall into place. Flowers would bloom in the garden and my kids would come running back into my arms. My father would stop rejecting me, and everything would just suddenly align. But happiness hadn’t arrived in that neat little package wrapped in a bow. It came busting through the door in a stormy crash of wild hair, painted stars, and attitude.
But all that attitude was missing from Orion’s expression now as he lifted his head and watched me, waiting for me to speak. While his eyes were soft, his jaw was tight, like he was bracing for a blow, waiting for me to disappear back inside myself, leaving him out in the cold. If I’d learned anything in my relationship failings, it was that silence and shutting down could be a form of emotional abuse when enacted on someone who needed your words as validation.
“You weren’t wrong,” I said. “I never have before. With a man. You’re the first.”
He rose up on his elbows, a few dark locks plastered to his cheek with sweat. Blinking sleepy eyes at me, he said, “But you…you seemed so into it.”
“I was.” I chuckled. “I don’t regret it, stop looking so freaked out.”
“I’m not freaked out, just surprised.” He smiled, but then his brow creased again. “You’re serious though. I’m the first guy you been with?”
“Yes.”
His brows rose, but then he seemed to lose steam, and flopped back down onto the mattress. “Holy hell.”
I snickered. “What?”
“You just…that surprises me. It was really fucking good.”
I smiled. “For me too.” I decided to take his surprise as a compliment. If he interpreted it as skill, so be it. He didn’t need to know I’d been completely out of control. Teetering on the edge of madness.
Orion’s breathing evened out, and he began to snore softly. I drifted off with him, all ghosts and shadows purged from my thoughts.
Chapter Sixteen
Having awoken in an empty bed, I assumed Orion had fled while I was sleeping. But after bravely returning to my own room and finding no shadow monster in the light of day, I pulled on sweats and a tee shirt, then went down to the kitchen to find a hot pot of coffee brewing, and his bag still sitting on a kitchen chair. Realizing he was still there made me happier than I wanted to admit.
I saw him out by the garage, wearing jeans and the tie-dye he’d had on yesterday. He had a mug in his hand, and walked slowly around the sunroom I’d built off the back of the garage, when I’d imagined my father would be living there. At least someone’s admiring my work, I thought as I watched him peering in the windows.
He abandoned the sunroom, moving to the side door, and looked into the main suite, face pressed against the glass. I wondered if he was regretting what he said last night—that he didn’t think it was a good idea to have me as a landlord.
I poured myself a coffee, then went in the fridge to get my hazelnut creamer. When I finished stirring it in, I looked through the window again. Orion had moved to the back yard and was sitting on top of the picnic table, his back to me as he faced the pool and the woods beyond. I took advantage of him not knowing he was being observed, and just watched him for a moment. Morning sun streamed through the trees and sparkled like diamonds on the swimming pool, and Orion looked like a disheveled angel bathed in radiant luminescence.
He slumped over suddenly, resting his face in his hands, and my heart sank at the sight. The image was still beautiful—Orion bathed in morning sunlight—but I was not looking at the portrait of a happy man right now. Looks more like a picture of regret.
“Shit.” I moved away from the window, leaning over on the counter to gather my thoughts. I’d wanted to ride the high I’d felt when I woke up, enjoying the salacious memories and being sore in mysterious places all over my body. But I couldn’t feel good about it if Orion didn’t. And by the looks of him out there, he wasn’t happy about something.
I ruined it, I realized suddenly. The sex…it all started with him telling me he didn’t think he wanted me as his landlord. I’d offered him the ‘guest house’ as he kept calling it, and he’d wanted to take it. He still wanted it. I could see it in the way he’d just been peering in the windows. But now it probably felt conditional on a weird, inappropriate level. Or if not conditional, at least soured by what happened last night. Things could get messy if you were fucking not only your landlord, but your next-door neighbor.