I figured he was on the same page as me, wanting to do it right, have a courting period and get to know each other as well as we could. He continued to ask me, after each bedroom romp, to tell him something new about me. And I would in turn ask him the same. It was a fun little ritual, and had definitely brought us closer.
Thinking about Orion right now seemed to summon evidence of him, and when I walked through the living room, I paused, chuckling softly. He’d clearly already been here today. The fireplace was stocked with fresh wood, waiting to be lit. Matches and tightly rolled paper for kindling were placed perfectly neatly, in Orion fashion, against the bricks along the side. I took a moment to light the logs and get a fire going, then replaced the screen.
In the shower, I thought more about what I wanted to do tonight, what I wanted to say to him. I loved Orion, but I hadn’t said those words to him yet, and he hadn’t said them to me. But like asking him to move in, I was thinking now that Orion was waiting for me to say it first. It made my heart ache, thinking perhaps I’d left him hanging on that, made him think I was holding back because I didn’t feel it yet. We tiptoed around it a lot, saying, ‘I need you’ and so on. But tonight, I felt something breaking open. I needed to make him mine, without any ambivalence or confusion. I was so ready. I needed that security with him, because I no longer knew how to live without him.
I smiled, thinking again about the guest house. Orion had an endearing way of caring for me when I neglected to care for myself properly, and had made me move my wood carving operation over to the garage space, setting up a new, more professional and functional work area, because he ‘didn’t want me breathing that nasty air down in the basement’ all the time. He was all about fresh air, and insisted I move my projects to the more spacious and better ventilated guest house, where I’d have more room, and he didn’t have to worry about me damaging my lungs.
In turn, I’d decided I didn’t want him going to strangers’ homes to perform individual readings anymore, so as a surprise, I set up the sunroom in the guest house as his own psychic den where he could bring clients. While he was working down at the seaside one afternoon, I furnished and decorated it for him, putting in two love seats, crystals and candles, and all sorts of colorful tapestries and bohemian furnishings. I personally collected the most beautiful seashells I could find on the beach in the morning, and set them out in a big, crystal bowl on a black marble coffee table I’d purchased that was shaped like a star. It wasn’t my style, but it was Orion’s, and he loved it.
He’d gotten very emotional when he saw what I’d done to surprise him, and that was part of what flicked a switch in my brain, making me realize something. I’d been going around assuming Orion knew how deeply I cared for him. I figured he had to know, because I felt it so hard, and he was so intuitive. But he still seemed a little fuzzy on just how much I needed him, and I didn’t always show it properly. I needed to step my game up. I wanted him to come to expect good things from me, not fall apart with shock and tears when I made grand gestures for him.
We’d only had one major blowout fight since reconciling over the summer, but it was a doozy. Surprisingly, it was about sex. The one thing I’d thought we had down pat, and would never be a problem for us. It was my fault. Orion was so gentle and patient with me all the time, but I got in my own head, and convinced myself that because he enjoyed anal stimulation so much, he must be wishing I would fuck him that way. He must be feeling ripped off, or like he wasn’t fully getting what he needed. I said I wanted to try it. He asked me repeatedly if it was something I truly wanted, and I insisted it was.
It did not go well.
I kept losing my erection and couldn’t seem to make it happen, then I got very angry with myself, and I allowed that anger to show. I became moody and short-tempered for several days after until he finally snapped. He shouted at me for a good long while, saying he knew that I’d lied, that I’d only wanted to try anal sex because I thought he wanted it. And that hurt his feelings, because it meant I didn’t believe him when he said our sex life was perfectly satisfying for him.
In my apology, I admitted that he was right to a degree. But what finally calmed his anger was when I confessed a deeper, more underlying truth. I wanted to get as close to him as possible, physically. I did want part of my body inside him sometimes, desperately, for the intimacy of it. Orion, once again, was patient with me, and pointed out that since I’d already been ‘helping’ him with anal stimulation using toys, there was nothing stopping me from using my fingers, my tongue, whatever I felt comfortable with.
Just hearing him say the words had gotten me so horny I’d insisted on trying both of his suggestions out immediately on my living room floor. Since that night, let’s just say our sex life has never been better. He made me promised—once again, because I slip up a lot—always to be honest and open with him. It’s something I’m working on. My father raised me to hide my feelings, and it had been an ongoing challenge to reprogram myself in that regard. I’m still pretty shit at communication, but I’ve definitely gotten better at swallowing my discomfort and speaking from the heart—mainly because Orion hates it when I hold back. And the little shit always knows, even if it’s something I’m going out of my way to hide. Dating an intuitive psychic can be annoying sometimes.
But I still manage to surprise him now and then, as I did with furnishing the sunroom into his den.
Orion had also been storing some inventory for the gift shop in the guest house recently, and in the main house, he kept a toothbrush, razor, and several items of clothing on hand. We were heading toward cohabitation anyway, and I’d had enough fucking around. I was going to ask him to move in with me. Tonight. But first…I had to tell him I loved him.
I felt it so completely, that it was weird I still got butterflies and my throat tightened in fear at the thought of saying those words directly to him. But you couldn’t really ask someone to move in with you before you’d told them you loved them. So I was going to say it. Tonight.
I got out of the shower, dried off and dressed, in soft faded jeans and a green sweater I knew Orion liked on me. After splashing on a little cologne, I texted him. ‘I’m home. Where are you?’
He replied, ‘Be right there, getting takeout. Hope you’re okay! If not, I’ll make it better.’
And this was one of the things I loved about him. His compassion was constant and free-flowing. He allowed me to spoil him, because he knew I enjoyed it. But my well-being was a priority that he made very clear. If I was down, or troubled, or even frustrated, Orion would gently but fervently step in and figure out a way to resolve it, never letting up until he succeeded. For two days before I left to take the kids to college, I’d drift off, worrying, lamenting, and fearing how it would feel when I dropped them off. Each time I went off on one of these mental tangents, I’d catch Orion eyeing me with a little concerned frown, and he’d say, “It’s gonna be all right,” as though reading my mind. And he probably was.
The weekend wasn’t all bad. I was proud to see my children taking this next step in their lives, and while it was chaotic and emotional, seeing them settled into their dorm rooms, excited and happy, was like a weight off my shoulders. Their happiness was a huge reward for all my worry and heartache and silly dad-angst over them growing up on me. Plus, they both told me that they liked Orion, which was another relief.