We just had sex, and it was fantastic, but if I have to be honest, it wasn’t as incredible as when he’s doing the fucking. Something about having him inside me gave me more thrill than all the pounding I’ve done in my life. Don’t get me wrong, I loved giving him pleasure tonight, but having Luke in me was an out-of-body experience I’m ready to repeat.
He’s lying on his back, his hands behind his head. I want to put my head on his shoulder, and I wonder what his reaction would be if I do. I’m the one who said I don’t want to cuddle and the one who put down some rules, but I should be able to change my mind when I want to. I feel strangely safe with him. I don’t know what the fuck is going on, but I want to be in his arms. He might read too much into it but fuck it.
I get closer to him, nuzzle my head on his shoulder, and wrap a leg around him. I feel him freeze for a nanosecond before relaxing. His arm envelops me, and his fingers caress my lower back. The proximity should bother me, but his shoulder feels as though it was created for me to rest on. My heart slows down, and my muscles let go. I’m melting against him.
“I’ve never done this with anyone.” I don’t know what it is with this guy, but I want to tell him all my secrets.
Luke stretches his neck to find my eyes. “I’m not surprised, babe. You’re not the easiest to get close to”
I shrug. “I just never have the time.”
“If that’s what you’re telling yourself.”
That’s something I like about Luke. He doesn’t sugarcoat. He’s not of one of those Willy Wonka kind of guys. I despise those guys who shit butterflies as much as they eat glitter. Most of the time they wear rose-colored glasses and listen to Barbara Streisand.
“The only one I’ve ever cuddled is Virge,” I confess.
“You’ve only cuddled with your best friend’s sister? That’s disturbing, even for you.”
I laugh while I kiss his neck. That’s also something I’ve never done, as well as intimacy, pillow talk, or breakfast with a man. Luke is breaking a lot of firsts for me.
“What’s your deal with her anyway?” he asks with sincerity in his voice.
That’s something only Virginia and I know. A chain of events changed me forever on my twentieth birthday, when she broke my heart by telling me a truth she had never blamed me for until that night. It’s a sour subject.
“Guilt, mostly,” I answer.
He tightens his arm around me. “Everything you say while in my arms will always stay between us. I promise.”
Fuck, this guy is lovable.
“Ian can never know,” I whisper. “If he knows, I’ll lose him forever.”
“Fuck,” he mumbles.
I don’t need to look at him to see the understanding in his eyes, and I want to tell him. I don’t know why. I haven’t felt like telling anybody for twenty-five years. I just want to control things so I never let a situation derail me again.
I breathe in and close my eyes before starting my tale. “I was fourteen, and I realized I was jerking at thoughts of Ian much more than I should. Never Virginia. It was a difficult time for my friendship with Ian. I mean, crushing on your very straight best friend is nothing new in the gay world, right?”
Luke nods. “Yeah, babe, been there.”
“Exactly. But I had nobody I could talk to. Clay was enamored with Virginia. Ian was out of the question. My parents, well… and Virginia was still a risk, being Ian’s twin. So I was doing stupid shit like drinking and smoking pot to evade my budding sexuality. One night, I was on the roof of my house and Virge came to find me. She was worried because she could see something wasn’t right but didn’t know what exactly. She was pre-dating my brother. They’d been circling each other since elementary school, playing with desire but not really together yet. It was strange.
“I wished so many times that I was attracted to her, because I would have been so much better for her than my brother was. She was fighting with her parents a lot. They were always up Ian’s ass and still are—he can do no wrong. The boy was handsome, smart, one of the best students, super athletic. He had it all. Anyway, we were on the roof, and because I was fucking stupid, I showed her the little bag I had in my pocket. I wanted to escape my world, so I had gotten my hands on coke, and I was going to use it. Virge, Clay, Ian, and I had smoked pot together, so I didn’t think it was a big deal to go further. She and I went back to my bedroom, and we each had a line. I remember hating the feeling. The high, the low, putting something in my nose, I fucking hated it. That wasn’t the case for Virge. That’s the night I came out to someone for the first time. That’s also the night I made her discover the drug that would push her to run away and her life to spiral out of control.”
There’s an awkward silence, as if Luke doesn’t know what to say after my declaration. It seems to last for hours, and I almost fall asleep on his shoulder. But the tale doesn’t end that night, and I need him to acknowledge the first part before I can continue.
“Babe, it doesn’t mean you’re responsible for her addiction,” he finally says, and I release the breath I was holding.
“I know. Fast forward six years later, I had a great plan in place to bring her back home to our families and get her out of the mess she was in. She was using so much. I was afraid of getting a call from a hospital telling me she’d overdosed. So Clay decides to throw me a party with people I don’t know, and I think it’s the perfect setup to discuss her addiction with her. They’d been on the run for almost four years already. I tried to get Virginia to leave my brother that night and come back to Michigan with me. She got aggressive and said that it was all my fault that she was an addict and that she would never forgive me for handing her the first dose. It broke me.
“She left, and I didn’t see her for two years. I didn’t know she was pregnant. I didn’t know when Asher was born. In a way, I can’t complain, because Ian didn’t see her for eleven years. But I was lost without her. Those were the darkest years of my life. She’s always been the only one who truly understands me. I met Ryan that night, and he took care of me. He was a model back then. We drank a lot, and he ended up fucking me in a bed that didn’t belong to any of us. Everything seemed out of control for a while and after some hard time, I decided I would never let any situation get that bad again.”
Luke nods as if that piece of information helps him understand me better. It should, and that’s why I shared it with him. I don’t want him to be surprised when I tell him in a few weeks that our arrangement is over. As soon as I start having feelings, I’ll run. I know it. Feelings can’t be controlled. That’s why I’m never with anybody long term.
The silence creeps in on us again. I would love to know what he’s thinking, but I can’t bring myself to ask him. Having him judge me for all that happened could break me again. He’s so pure, so amazing, I never want to disappoint him.
“Enough about me. Tell me something about you, please. Don’t make it weird,” I say while caressing his chest.
“I’m the only sibling who left the farm. My older brother, Aaron, raises his family on a piece of land that used to be part of the farm, and he owns a restaurant next to my parents on a piece of land I used to own. We each owned a piece of the farm, but I sold mine to Aaron when I wanted to establish my tattoo parlor. I knew I was never coming home. My two younger siblings work at the farm and live with my parents. Barnabas, the baby of the family, will take over the farm one day. He loves being outside. It’s in his blood. My sister, Salomé, prefers to take care of all the baking and organizing events on the farm, from the Christmas retreat to weddings.