And holy fuck.
My eyes roll back in my head and I groan as she licks me, tracing the same path she made with her finger. My hand tightens in her hair and I should definitely pull away, but she takes it as an invitation to continue.
Her lips wrap around me, and she pulls me into her hot, wet mouth, swirling her tongue around me and... Shit. I can’t help it, my hips buck. “So fucking good,” I hiss as Em adds her hand to the mix.
Her nails dig into my thigh, and I brace myself on the wall above her head, before I realize what I’m doing and a sense of decency kicks in. “Stop,” I grunt, pulling out of her mouth, breathing hard. I’ll live to regret giving this up later, but it’s the right thing to do.
Em’s eyebrows pull together and she chews on her bottom lip. “Did I do it wrong?”
I turn away from her and rest my head against the opposite wall. “No,” I mutter, trying to catch my breath and think of anything but Em. Anything that will put a stop to the raging boner and worst case of blue balls I’ve ever had.
But I can’t. Nothing works. Because all I see is her. All I smell is her. She’s everywhere, surrounding me, even when she’s not. She’s all I want.
“You need to go,” I tell her through a clenched jaw.
“What?”
“You need to leave, please,” I plead.
“I don’t understand.” She moves behind me and grabs my shoulder, spinning me to face her. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“This.” I gesture between us. “We have to stop. It’s not right.”
“Not right? Says who?”
“Everyone thinks you’re with Austin and sleeping with me. It’s wrong. We can’t do this as long as Austin is in the picture. I’m sorry.” And I am sorry. So fucking sorry.
She lets out a bitter laugh, one of disbelief. “You think I’d have sex with you when I’m in a relationship with someone else?”
“No,. I don’t. I know you better than that. But other people might think it.”
“Since when have you cared what other people think?”
“Since I care about you.”
She snorts. “Funny way of showing it. Didn’t think about the repercussions before screwing me six ways from Sunday?”
I reach for her, but she pulls back, wrapping her arms around her waist. “Em, it’s not...” I try to explain, but how can I? I rejected her. That’s got to hurt.
“Forget it, Colt. It was fun. Thanks for making it special. I’ll keep my hands and body to myself from now on. Make some room in the bed for Jane or something.”
The pain in her eyes kills me. It hits hard, like a punch in the gut when she storms out of the shower, letting the door slam behind her. I hunch forward, gasping for breath like I’ve had the wind knocked out of me, and slump to the shower floor.
It’s the first night in nine years that I’ve gone to bed without Em. And it’s the first morning in nine years I’ve woken up alone.
I don’t like it, but I tell myself it’s for the best.
32
Emerson
My entire childhood I was alone, unwanted, unloved. Until Colt came bouncing through my window, literally. Inserting himself into my life and my bed. Slowly he and his dad filled that empty hole in my chest and made me feel cherished, loved, like I was important to someone.
Looking back, I always thought being alone would be the worst thing I’d ever have to experience. But I was wrong.
So wrong.
Feeling alone in a room full of people laughing and talking and having fun, is worse.
Feeling alone and having to pretend everything is okay with fake smiles and shallow conversation, when all you want to do is escape, is worse.
But the absolute worst, is feeling alone when the one person you share everything with is sleeping right beside you.
There might as well be a concrete wall between Colt and I now. Since getting back from the beach, things have been tense and quiet. Colt has been a lot more subdued than normal.
His normal, loud, outgoing personality, carefree attitude, and grin have been replaced by a quiet, tense and brooding façade.
I threw myself into work, picking up every shift I could. When I wasn’t working, I was at the library trying to get ahead on my studies for the new year. If I wasn’t studying, I was at the coffee shop hoping Keely would talk to me. I really want a girlfriend. Someone I can confide in. Not that I could ever confide in her about what’s going on now. Still, a female friend would be nice.
I kept myself busy all summer, not wanting to stay home and see Colt everywhere I turned. It’s not that he wanted to stop. That’s fine. I get it. It’s more the way he did it. When he did it.
He brought me to my knees in every single way.
I gave myself to him, because he’s the only person I trust. The only person I love. I’d do anything he asked of me. And he waited until I was at my most vulnerable, on my knees doing something I never considered doing before him, to tell me we had to stop.
Well screw him.
I can’t look at him because every time I do, I see that moment he shut down and pushed me away.
“You’re doing it again.” Austin nudges me with his arm.
After the longest summer in the history of summers, I’m back in class and falling into a comfortable routine. Pre-season has started and the team is training harder than ever, for which I’m grateful. Colt is out of the apartment most of the day and night, getting home too exhausted and falling into bed before getting up and doing it again the next day.
“Hmm?”
“I said, you’re doing it again.”
I don’t reply.
“You’re brooding,” Austin presses.
“I don’t brood.”
“Fine. You’re moping. You’ve been like this for weeks.” He directs me over to a tree and sits down in the shade.
I shrug.
“Em, come on. Tell me what’s going on? Colt’s a fucking nightmare. And you’re miserable.”
“What’s Colt said?” I ask, crossing my legs and bringing my coffee to my lips.
“Nothing. He’s just being a dick.”
“He is a dick,” I mutter, but Austin either doesn’t hear or chooses to ignore me.
“He loses his temper. He walks off the court in the middle of training.”
I lift my eyebrows in surprise.
“Em, he’s never done that. Not even when he broke his finger during his second game. He stayed. Now, we’re lucky if he shows up to training. Coach is about to lose his shit. And if Colt isn’t careful, he’ll be out on his ass before the end of the year. Coach doesn’t give second chances.”
I place my coffee on the ground with trembling fingers and sigh. What’s Colt doing? Basketball is his life. He’ll destroy everything he’s worked so hard for and it’s my fault. I’ve been distancing myself from him because it’s too painful to be around him, but I haven’t considered how that affects him.
I keep him grounded. I give him something to focus on, bring him back to reality when things get a little out of control or too much to cope with.