And I haven’t been there for him.
I’ve left him to deal with his thoughts and feelings, alone.
A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away, sniffling. What sort of friend am I to let him work through the chaos in his head, alone?
Austin wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to his chest. “Talk to me. Let me help.”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“Most stories start at the beginning.” He rubs his hand up and down my arm, comforting me.
So, taking a deep breath, I start at the beginning. The very beginning. I tell Austin about my childhood, my parents, how Colt was my hero and how we’ve spent every day and night together for so long.
I tell him about Colt’s mom, and my dad’s role in her death. I fill him in on everything, from mine and Colt’s first kiss, that stupid peck on the lips we swore we’d never do again, to the first time Colt felt me up. I explain my inability to trust anyone and how it stems from my parents. My fear of kissing, or being intimate with anyone, and then I tell him about Colt and I and everything from the first time he touched me, to the first time I saw him naked, giving him my virginity, and the shower incident.
Once I’m done, I’m in tears and utterly exhausted. My head hurts and my brain is fried.
Austin remains quiet and I fear I’ve said too much, then he chuckles. “It’s so obvious. I should have seen it sooner.”
“What?”
“You’re miserable, not because you’re embarrassed he stopped you mid-blow-job—which I commend him for, by the way; that’s some feat—but because you’re in love with him and he broke your heart.”
“What?” I screech, rearing back and looking at Austin like he’s lost his damn mind. I am not in love with Colt. He’s my best friend.
“You’re in love with him.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
I shake my head. “No freaking way.”
He gives me a hard look. “You don’t trust anyone except for Colt. You said so yourself. You can’t hold someone’s hand because it requires trust you’re not able to give.”
Folding my arms over my chest, I sigh. “I trust you.”
“Not like you trust him. And why is that?” He drops his arm from around my shoulder. “Because you’re in love with him.”
“Not true.” I smirk at him and pick up his hand, threading my fingers through his to show I trust him too. “See. I trust you.”
I force a smile. Austin’s hand is all sorts of wrong in mine. His skin is rougher, not as warm. His fingers are shorter, his palm too wide. It doesn’t fit like Colt’s.
“Prove it.” His mouth pulls up into a sly grin.
I lift our joint hands and wave them in his face.
“Not even close.” He pulls his hand from mine, and in a move that lives up to his reputation, he grabs me by the waist and pulls me into his lap, so I’m straddling him.
I gasp in a shaky breath and press my hands to his shoulders, angling my body away from his. We’re too close; it’s unnatural. I swallow.
“What are you doing?” I’m impressed with my ability to keep my voice steady when all I want to do is shriek and run away.
“Do you trust me?” he asks.
“Yes.” And I do. He’s become a good friend. I trust him enough to confide in him.
“As much as Colt?”
I nod.
Austin’s mouth quirks up in a smile. He leans in close, and my breath halts as he whispers, “Kiss me.”
His lips are an inch away from mine, his breath fans my face and my eyes drift closed. I clench his shirt, digging my fingers into his shoulders and lick my lips. My mouth is dry, parched. Austin’s hands slide around my back, pulling me to him.
I part my lips. “I... I’m in love with Colt. I can’t,” I blurt.
I gasp and slap a hand over my mouth, staring at Austin with wide eyes.
He chuckles and moves me off his lap. “Told you.”
“You did that on purpose.” I punch him in the arm.
“Sorry. It was the only way to get you to realize it.”
“I love him?” I say.
“You do.”
“What do I do?
Austin picks up my hand and grins. “I’ll help you get the guy.”
33
Colt
I’m nervous. My palms are sweating as I bounce on the balls of my feet, holding the flowers in my hands. Orchids. Her favorite.
I’ve been an absolute jerk these last few weeks. I ruined things with Em and have been destroying everything else in my life. She can’t stand to be in the same room as me. Coach is about to kick me off the team. The guys walk on eggshells around me after I punched Rome in the face because he looked at me the wrong way. Austin hasn’t been over to the apartment for so long, I almost miss his annoying ass. But none of that is as bad as the way I’ve been treating her.
Turns out I am capable of caring and loving. I just tend to put up walls around myself so I don’t get hurt. She came into my life, smashed down those carefully constructed walls and worked her way into my heart. Now, I have to make amends for being a dick.
I brush my hand through my hair in a last-minute attempt to smooth it down and make it not look like I’ve been tugging on the ends. Waving my hand in front of my face, I breathe in to make sure my breath is minty fresh. I even sniff my armpits.
And then I pace.
I called her earlier, begging for a second chance and seeing if she’d meet me at the park by the beach. I half expected her to hang up on me, but she didn’t, she agreed.
I check my watch and realize she’s twenty minutes late. She must be standing me up. Ain’t that a bitch. Getting stood up when you’re trying to make things right. Repair the damage. I can’t lose her.
I decide to wait. Maybe she’s testing me. Checking to see if I’ll wait for her, as if that proves I care.
I’ll sit here all god damn night if I have to.
And then I see her. Eyes narrowed, arms crossed as she strolls along the path towards where I’m waiting. But I can’t wait any longer, I rush the distance between us and wrap my arms around her. “I thought you weren’t going to show.”
“Unlike you, I keep my word.”
I deserve that. I release her and hand her the flowers. She accepts them, stiffly.
“I’ve been here for a while. I was enjoying watching you sweat,” she huffs and moves over to the bench seat nearby.
“I...ahhh...” Why is this so hard? I can’t form the words I need to say to make things right.
“Yes?”
“Umm. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry. That’s it?”
Chewing on my bottom lip, I shrug. “Really sorry.”
She lets out a bitter laugh.
“I know I’ve been a jerk, and you haven’t deserved that. At all. I’ve just been trying to process everything that happened, but it’s hard on my own.”
She nods once. “You need to sort yourself out. Figure out what you want and what you plan to do about it.”
“Right now?” I ask, and she shrugs. “Well, right now.” I drop to my knees in front her, clasping her hands in mine. I press a kiss to her knuckles, and she sighs. “I want to make it up to you. I want to beg for your forgiveness, if you’ll let me?”