“You’ve accomplished so much for yourself. Your aunt Samantha and I are so proud of you. I know Gage would be proud of you too.”
It’s the first time in a long time I’ve heard her say his name out loud. Hearing her say his name brings me back to all those years ago when we would sit right here, playing Grand Theft Auto on my PlayStation. I would give anything, even my very own life, to have him here today.
“Thanks, Mom. Means a lot,” I say, choking out the last part. Her praise is hard to hear and even harder to accept with the weight of Gage’s memory associated to it. He wanted to protect people, so in my own way I like to believe I’m giving back what he didn’t have the opportunity to give himself.
“Have you spoken to Halle since you’ve been in town?”
As if feeling the whiplash from Gage’s name a moment ago, hearing her mention Halle feels like my heart was ripped from my chest.
There are a lot of things I regret when it comes to me and Halle, especially how I ended things with her. She didn’t deserve for me to treat her the way I did, but I also know there would have been no easy way for me to walk away from her. I deserved for her to hate me just the same as I hate myself.
“Nah,” I say, my own word coming out hoarse. I want to end this conversation as quickly as possible. Talking about Gage and then Halle is not something I’ve mentally prepared myself for, so I do my best to change the subject.
Pressing my palms to my knees, I move to stand. I can feel my mom’s eyes on me as she follows me into the kitchen. I busy myself with looking through the cupboards, making a mental list of all the things I want to pick up for her. I’m so lost in my own thoughts I don’t even hear the back door open until the soft echoing of her voice floats through the room.
“Good afternoon, Sandy.”
Her voice sounds like a song. It’s like I’ve swallowed a bag of cotton, trying to force myself to breathe as I squeeze my eyes closed. My entire body is tense, my shoulders and back straight like my spine was replaced with a metal rod.
I force my feet to move, shuffling enough for me to glance over my shoulder toward the direction of where her voice came.
When my eyes fall on her, it’s like I’ve taken a heavy shoulder to the chest in football. Only this time, there is no pads covering my body. She knocks the wind right out of me with her beauty, just like she did all those years ago.
Her blonde hair is curled in soft waves, pulled over to the side, hanging over her shoulder. I notice the length, how much longer it is since we were younger. I used to pull up her profile on Facebook, but after the last time when I found she removed me from her friends list, I chucked my phone against my dorm room wall and couldn’t bring myself to pull it back up.
Her eyes look bold and bright, her eyelashes so long and her smile so inviting, it nearly takes every ounce of strength in me not to pull her into my arms. Everything about her reminds me of the girl I once knew, but where we are today reminds me how wrong that assumption is.
As soon as her eyes fall on mine, they widen in shock. She clearly didn’t expect to see me, which brings me to wondering what she’s doing here anyway.
“Halle, is that you?” My mom’s voice calls out from the living room. I blink through the confusion; her eyes bounce between me and the other room before landing back on mine.
“What are you doing here?” I ask, at the same moment she says, “You’re here.”
I want to ask her to say something again, simply plead with her to speak so I can hear her voice. Let her words run through me like a balm to my battered heart, but I don’t. I don’t deserve it, just like I don’t deserve to have her in my life.
I have to keep reminding myself that while I’m living here because I know how easy it would be for me to give in and let her back into my life.
“Of course, I’m here. I grew up here, this is my mom’s house. What are you doing here?” I ask, repeating my question, only this time the words come out harsher. My hands itch to pull her closer to me, to touch her tanned skin to see if it’s as soft as I remember it being beneath my fingers.
The look on her face transforms right before my eyes, likely from hearing the bitterness in my voice.
“I’ve been coming over here once a week for as long as I can remember, but somehow this is the first time in years I’ve seen you here. Have you given your mom the same conversation about not leaving her door unlocked and open for strangers?”
My jaw ticks. There’s a hint of annoyance, but I want to smile at her sassy remark she’s throwing back at me.
“Graham, who are you talking to in there?”
I hear the footrest of her recliner close, knowing she’s likely coming to find out what’s going on. I take a few steps to peer around the corner into the living room, checking on her.
“Ma, it’s fine. You don’t need to get up. Halle is here; she said she came over to see you.”
I flash Halle a look that says our conversation earlier is not over, at least not yet. She returns it with a sarcastic smile before following behind me into the living room. She graces her with one of her warm smiles. My heart aches to be on the receiving end of one of those smiles again.
“How are you doing, Ms. Sandy? I thought I’d stop by and finish pulling those weeds. I got most of them done in the front but thought since it’s cooler out today I’d get a head start on the backyard. I just wanted to check on you before I did, see if you needed anything.”
“Thank you so much, sweetie. It’s so good to see you. I was hoping you’d stop by and tell me how your day with Ellie and the girls went.”
“It went amazing. Ellie found the perfect dress. I can’t wait for you to see her. Callum is going to lose it when he sees her. She looked beautiful.”
Listening to Halle talk to my mom makes me realize how much I’ve missed being gone. She always loved Halle, that much was very apparent even when we were young. Anytime she would come over, she would immediately walk to the kitchen to greet her with a smile and a hug. Hearing them talk now though, it’s different. Their bond has grown, and I know a lot of that has to do with me being gone.
Listening to Halle talk to my mom about wedding dress shopping is too much for me. I decide I need to get out of here fast.
“I’m going to leave you two. Ma, I’ll be outside getting started on the yard. I’ll come back in before I take off to the store.”
Halle doesn’t look back at me as I pass by her. There’s a part of me that wonders if she’s thinking the same thing I am. I always hoped down the road it would be us talking about wedding planning, but things have changed since then.
Taking a step back out onto the back deck, I feel the wooden boards creak beneath my footsteps as I make my way down the stairs and out toward the shed. I busy myself with starting the mower and put in my earbuds, wanting to drown out the memory of Dean and his comments about pushing Halle away again.
Knowing she’s going to be starting in the backyard, I knock out that first so when she comes outside, I can focus on the front without having her near me. It’s simply better if we’re not around each other, I tell myself over and over. This is the way it has to be.
The sun beats down on me as Luke Combs blares loudly in my ears. A little while later, with the sweat trickling down my face and over my arms, I cut the engine on the mower and push it back to the shed. Closing the padlock, I use the bottom of my T-shirt to wipe the moisture from my face.