Wrapping my hands around his neck, I pull him closer to me. His heart is hammering in his chest, pulsing like a drum, as I press my lips against his neck.
“Graham, it’s okay. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
It takes him a moment, but I can hear the breath he’s holding ease out of him as his arms tighten around me. We stand like this for a while, in the middle of the dance floor, holding each other. Even with our close friends here with us, dancing around us, it’s like nothing else exists.
When the song changes to something with a faster pace, Graham leans back away from me as he cups his hands on the sides of my face.
“Will you come somewhere with me?”
I simply nod my head, when on the inside I’m screaming, “Yes, you big idiot. I’d go anywhere with you.”
He eases his hand down my arm, wrapping our fingers together as he leads me off the makeshift dance floor and out to the door at the back of the barn.
Callum’s mom and stepfather own the property, but Callum and Ellie’s house is visible as it sits in the distance. There’s a small creek in the back separating the two. We used to come down here all the time when we were younger.
It’s getting late now. The sun has long since gone down. The lanterns lining the outside of the barn give us enough light to lead our way. Other than that, it’s just us and the moon shining bright overhead. Graham and I don’t speak to each other as we walk, but I am taken by surprise when a few yards away there’s a blanket laid out on the ground.
“Will you sit here with me and just let me hold you again?”
I swear, he’s stolen my heart again.
“Of course,” I say, as he unbuttons the front of his jacket, laying it on the ground. He adjusts his dress pants, as he sits down leaving his legs open for me to sit between.
I lower myself, pressing my back against his chest. His arms envelope me in a hug, holding me close to him. He rests his chin on my shoulder, pressing his lips in a line from my shoulder up to my neck.
“Maverick told me what happened, what Krate said to you outside of Hudson’s the other night. I wish you would’ve called me.”
“Graham—” I say, stopping him. I’m frustrated and don’t want to talk about this again.
“No, listen. I’m sorry, I just need to say this and then we’ll put it to rest.”
Letting out a sigh, I ease back against him and let him get this off his chest. No matter what I say, he won’t let it go until he does.
“I wish you would’ve called me and told me what happened. After that night at Brodie’s, I thought I made it clear if he does it again, I want to know about it.”
“You think I didn’t think about calling you a hundred times? I tried, Graham, I tried.”
“You tried?” he asks, confused. “I didn’t have a missed call from you.”
“I’m not talking about just last night, I’m talking about over the past five years. I tried calling you. I tried reaching out to you, checking in to see how you were doing. In the beginning, I did tell myself you were hurting after losing Gage, but the more I tried to talk to you, for you to only deny me, I just gave up. So, forgive me for not racing to you when something happens and for thinking you’d be there for me. I’ve tried that before, and it didn’t get me anywhere.”
“Fuck, I’m sorry.”
“I know you are, Graham, I get it. I know you’re sorry. It doesn’t change that I’ve been without you for the past five years. It doesn’t change the fact every time I’ve needed you, you haven’t been there. Did you even know I lost my Grandma Mary last spring? You think I didn’t want to call you then? I’ve been trying to just get through life not having you around, okay? You’re not the only one who’s lost people, Graham. You’re not the only one who’s been through shit. It doesn’t give you an excuse or an out to give up on the people who’ve been there for you since day one.”
I unclasp his hands from around my waist and push myself to stand, taking a step away from him. I look around for my sandals, wanting to just get away from him and go back to the reception.
“No, stop,” he pleads, reaching his hand out as he fumbles to stand. “Wait, please. Dammit, Halle.”
“Wait for what, Graham? Huh? Wait for you? I’ve done that already. I’ve wasted five years waiting on you, hoping you’d come back for me. I’ve hoped all along I’d wake up, thinking one day this would all be a terrible fucking dream. But it’s not, okay? It’s real life, this is reality. This is who we are now. We can’t sit out here, staring up at the sky thinking we can go back to the way things were before. It’s not that fucking easy.”
“Don’t you think I know that? God, Halle, don’t you think I haven’t thought about how I wish we could go back? If I could go back and change everything, I would.”
“It’s not that easy, Graham! You’re not listening to me!” I yell, holding my hands up to my head.
“Nothing in life is easy, Halle. Nothing.”
Behind Graham, I see Kinsley run out the barn door. Her eyes are wide and frantic as she looks around presumably for us.
“What is wrong with you two? Why are you yelling?”
Rolling my eyes, I look back at Graham. I want to yell at him for making me so damn frustrated. I’m standing in a fucking field shouting at him about the past and everything we can’t change.
Graham reaches up, running his hands through his hair as he turns to look back at Kinsley. “Sorry, Kins. Everything’s fine. We’re just talking.”
Kinsley looks back at me. I can read the question in her eyes. She trusts Graham, but she wants to make sure I’m alright too.
“We’re fine, Kins. Sorry, we just got carried away and forgot where we were.”
“Well, everyone in here heard you so you may want to remember before you carry on. We’re about to cut the cake though, so if you want some you may want to come back in soon.”
“Yeah,” I sigh, “I’ll be back in there in a minute.”
With a head nod, Kinsley disappears back into the barn, pulling the door shut behind her giving us a little privacy. Maybe she doesn’t trust we can keep it down, who knows.
“Halle, I’m sorry. I didn’t bring you out here to dredge up old feelings or argue with you. I just wanted to forget everything that’s happened, everything going on right now and just be with you. Just you and me. You always had a way of making me forget all the bullshit going on around me. I just needed to feel that again. I needed you.”
Whatever is going on in his life is starting to wear on him. For the first time tonight, I notice the bags under his eyes and the tiredness weighing on his face. He still looks every bit of handsome he’s always been, but there’s a lost look to his eyes. I feel bad for adding to it even though we needed to talk about this.
“Is it your mom? Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. I promise. She misses you though. She’s been asking about you.”
I feel bad, it’s been a while since I’ve been by to see her. I knew Graham was home and, to be honest, I was staying away for that reason. I hate myself for it now.