I can’t decide whether or not Austin knew about him. He must have, my logic tells me. But right now, I’m crazier than Bear and the loons he’s always bringing home. I picture my future, running circles around the lake like Willow. I review my options. And finally, No, I wouldn’t even stay here. It’s not like I could stay with Maggie. I’d probably have to go back to Raleigh. It’s probably what I need to do. My only option. Call Julie, have her call the wedding off. Transfer to a different school. Why? Why, Austin? How? I close my eyes, refusing to let him make me cry and, before I know it, I’m sleeping only inches away from Austin’s son—still, afraid to touch him. Even in my dreams, I reckon, I don’t want it to be real.
9
The truth is that I probably could have reached Austin if I really needed to. I did have his commander’s private cell phone number in case of an emergency. They are a little more relaxed with rules around contact once a soldier has graduated from boot camp. But I really didn’t want to. I had no idea what I would say, wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop myself from saying things I’d regret, and certainly didn’t want him to have the upper hand in any way.
Driving Julie’s car to the airport, my stomach floods with regret. I wish I’d called him, had his sergeant make him call me. Something. I imagine what this will be like for him, who expects me to jump into his arms, babbling away like an idiot about wedding plans.
Seeing signs for the Raleigh airport temps me to keep driving. If I didn’t have Julie’s car, I might just visit old friends from high school—hide out for a while. Let him figure it out, when Julie brought Tristan back to him and told him he was in big trouble. But there was no chance of that. She needed her car back almost as much as I needed this over with.
I wonder if he has any suspicion at all that anything’s up. He borrowed his battle buddy’s phone to text me flight confirmation numbers. But those texts were short and business-like. Still, I didn’t answer him when he said he loved me. He probably figured I didn’t see it. Missing texts are sometimes an issue in Endings, with its often-spotty cell reception.
Back in the city I love, I consider what life would have been had I never met Austin that first summer with Pappy at the campground. Things were so much simpler then. There was Rainbow, with her fancy boots, and her silly pug dog. What was his name? Stinky! Remembering playing with him brings me right back where I don’t want to be: To Austin. I see him, at ten years old—the dimples. A bigger, taller version of Tristan.
I press the pedal to the floor. I pray there hasn’t been a flight delay and wonder why Austin didn’t just rent a car. I try to come up with a plan of what to do, what to say, and how to act when I first see him. Finally, I concede, this is a situation that’s simply impossible to plan for. Just let it be. Whatever happens, happens.
I park in long-term parking. I’m supposed to be returning here in exactly one week to pick up John and Sonya for the wedding. I still need to call them to tell them to cancel their flights. The last thing I want is them bringing Hunter on a plane for no reason. He’s still a baby. We don’t need to bring another baby into this mess.
I watch people coming and going from Terminal C. Austin’s plane won’t land for another twenty minutes. I have to look away as couples embrace. The last thing I want to think about is how this reunion with my fiancé will go. I have no choice. I need to face it.
I pull the keys from Julie’s ignition. Unlatching my seatbelt, I tell myself—out loud—that there’s no turning back. If anything, I deserve answers. And, there’s only one way to find out.
I cross the street to the terminal entrance. It’s not hard to find baggage claim between two escalators that lead to where passengers are unloading from another plane. Determined, I ascend to the second floor, where I find a bench tucked in the far left corner, before the security check point, but close enough that I can watch each and every person who exits the passenger-only section. I sit down, leaning into the wall and holding my breath.
I jump when my cell phone goes off, alerting me to a text message. It’s Austin, from his battle buddy’s phone, telling me they’ve landed and asking me if I’m already at the airport. I don’t respond. I slide to the furthest corner of the bench, tucked as far away from the arriving passengers as I can get. I need every advantage when I first see him. It’s been months, and I know there’s no way I can prepare—for certain—how seeing him will feel.
It occurs to me, for the first time, that it’s possible he has even more secrets. I grit my teeth, shuffling my feet under the wooden bench as I consider Hannah might have been one of many flings. It strikes me that he may have even done it recently. I scour my mental rolodex of names of female cadets he’s mentioned. Nothing really sticks out. Sure, there have been a few, but nothing more than me talking about Drake coming over to fix something in Maggie’s yard or the guys at the shop helping build our trellis. There’s no way. This had to be a stupid thing he did when he was younger and didn’t want to hurt me with—something he wished would go away.
But still, even if he had only had the one fling, he’d neglected to mention something that big. And, I conclude, if he was capable of that, he is capable of anything. Could he have other kids? What else could he be hiding? How much contact has he had with Hannah these last few years? Was he there when Tristan was born? He was on the birth certificate…
I’m so lost in thought that I actually jump when I hear my name.
“Cal? Callie? Come here, you!”
I look up. Austin’s rushing toward me. So much for the upper hand. His familiar smile and broad shoulders cause me to betray myself. I stand, and then, run toward him. Killing him, can wait. First, I want—no need—a hug from the best friend I’ve had since we were twelve.
Austin’s not stupid.
By the time we reach the car, he knows something’s wrong. In fact, he’s asked me three times. It’s when I fumble around on the dashboard, looking for the parking stub that will get us out of long-term parking for the hourly rate that I can’t hold back any longer.
Frowning, he asks, “Cal? Why aren’t you wearing your ring?”
I don’t really think. I knew I wouldn’t. It would inevitably just come out:
“Well that wouldn’t exactly be worth a dog gone now would it?” I snap.
I ignore the fear on his face. I plow right through the tears beginning to build in his eyes. It takes under two minutes to inform him of Tristan’s arrival and the developments that will reshape our lives. I don’t mention what Pappy would think of this, how he’d call Austin a coward. I don’t have the heart to say those things out loud, but I think them.
He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t give any answers. He just stares at me, like he’s watching something he loves die—which, he pretty much is—while I toss grenade after grenade at him.
Part of me wants him to fight back, to tell me I’m wrong and to call Sally a liar. Or, even if he’d call me names back, something other than silence. Anything to help my ending our engagement seem more, well, official. Still, there’s nothing. Like a soldier without his platoon and no weapons, he just seems so … weak.