“I’m not anything as far as Oliver is concerned.”
“Does he know that? Cause I’m thinking he doesn’t see it the same way.”
My mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water gasping for air. No words come, not one coherent sentence can I force from my brain to my mouth to the outside world in between us.
* * *
I was still confused about Drew’s words long after he left. Oliver, saw what exactly? And what way did he see? Clearly, they had been discussing me at some point. Shaking the feeling off I go back to work, Oliver was gone again, so spending any time at all thinking about him was pointless. So why couldn’t I get his handsome face out of my mind. The way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he smile was enough to make my body react in a way that should be unwelcome. The scent of his aftershave was still familiar to me, of course it would be when you consider I still had his half empty bottle that’d been left behind in my bathroom cabinet, I couldn’t bring myself to throw that bottle out and as silly as it sounded I had needed the reminder that he’d left it behind like it didn’t matter, in the same way he’d left me.
11
oLIVER
* * *
The day had drained me, I was exhausted from what felt like an interrogation at the shrinks’ office. I might have been a little defensive with the probing line of questions and I might have been a little prickly to deal with given the lack of sleep.
I knew she was just doing her job, trying to assess me to mark me fit to return to work and that was all I wanted. Instead, she had told me she was recommending another session with her in a fortnight. I couldn’t see the point of it and had told her as much. The way she looked at me over her glasses that were perched on the end of her nose made me feel like I was in the Principals office all over again. She had sighed at me before shuffling back in her armchair.
“Oliver, these sessions are mandatory after going through the experience in which you have and all I can do is put forward my recommendation to your superiors and right now my recommendation is that you are not fit to return to work.”
“My experience? You mean the one where my partner was killed? You can say it, Ginny was shot by the suspect we were trying to apprehend. Tell me, Doc, what sort of state should I be in? As far as I can tell I am not balled up in your corner rocking backward and forwards talking to the ghost of my partner.”
“Trauma like that takes time to process, grieving takes time and it’s been less than a week. Are you trying to tell me you are unaffected and ready to go back to work?”
“Yes. I am fit. Sitting around in my old bedroom of my parents’ house is doing nothing for me, being back at work with my buddies is the best thing for me as far as I can see.” It wasn’t the complete truth but maybe by saying the words out loud, I might have a chance of convincing myself as well.
“How do you feel about being back at your parent’s house?”
“Honestly, pissed off, this is bullshit. I am fine and should be back on duty.”
“You’re fine? You assaulted a suspect. To me, that doesn’t tell me you’re exactly fine.” The pen was poised in her hand above the notebook that rested against her crossed knees.
“Ginny had just died, I was under a lot of pressure. I wasn’t thinking straight.”
“What will happen the next time you’re under pressure? Are you likely to lash out again?”
“I guess we won’t know since you’re not going to declare me fit for duty.” My movement to stand up didn’t faze her, I had expected a little reaction at least but she continued the stony face expression in my direction as I dug my keys from my pocket.
* * *
Now, I sat at the breakfast bar back in our apartment with a beer in my hand, spinning the bottle top on its side between my fingers over the counter top. Trent was on late shift so I didn’t expect to see him for another couple of hours.
I’d had a call from my sergeant not long after I had left the doctor’s office. She must have been on the phone with him as soon as I had left the room. He’d barked down the phone at me with an order to attend the next session, the concern in his voice was lacking when he tried to placate me about not being fit to return to duty, it was for my own good or some shit. I needed to be in the right headspace and that was about when I started to tune him out. It was about the time Daisy would have been closing the shop and I missed her so much my heart gave a tiny squeeze in my chest at the thought of her walking home alone.
“Look, Sarge, I’ll go to the sessions but I think it is a waste of time.”
“Oliver, this is serious and you need to treat it as such. An officer was killed in the line of duty and there is an on-going investigation, you’re on leave until it is completed and if the brass wants you to jump through a few hoops to get you back on duty sooner, then jump through the fucking hoops.”
“Am I allowed to know how the investigation is going?”
“You know it’s against protocol, you’ve given your statement and now you have to wait, IA will be in touch if they want to know anything else. Just hang in there, Ollie, okay?”
I had given my statement, I had spent more than eight hours in debrief going over every minute detail of the takedown, everything from the time I arrived at work to the drive to the scene to the moment we stormed the building and chased down the suspects. We’d gone over the shooting at least half a dozen times, asking specific details of different aspects of my statement. The suspect had pulled a gun on us, what more did they need to know?
* * *
I’m still sitting at the island bench when Trent walks in a couple of hours later, by now I’m on my fourth beer with a slight buzz.
“You’re drinking alone?” Trent asks as he tosses his gym bag on the bench next to me.
“It’s been one of those days.” Lifting the bottle to my lips, I take a swig and focus on the cool liquid running down the back of my throat.
“You saw the shrink today?” Trent retrieves his own beer from the fridge and grabs another for me before taking a seat next to me.
“Yeah, and it wasn’t even the highlight of the day. Sarge rang as well, I’m not cleared to come back to work. I won’t be until the shrink declares me fit for duty and IA completes the investigation.”
Trent lets out a low whistle. “Protocol can be a real bitch.”
I clink the neck of my bottle against his. “Cheers to that.”
* * *
Sleep is on a different schedule than me, I lay in bed with the bedside clock illuminating the red numbers. It was after midnight and I was still lying staring at the ceiling with an arm tucked behind my head. I was beyond exhausted and a little drunk but I can’t fall asleep.
It has been a long time since I had felt this hopeless, with no idea how my future was going to play out. The last time I felt like this was before I left for the academy. The idea of telling Daisy I was leaving gave me a dose of ulcers and a lot of sleepless nights.
The day the acceptance letter and paperwork arrived in the mail should have been one of the happiest, a real dream come true. I had applied without much consideration of what would happen if I were accepted, the odds in my favour were one in ten with thousands of other candidates applying.